Im so confused about keeping or adopting!!?

Question

Im due in Oct and I need advice, I dont want my parents involved or my bfs because mine are really strict and his are drug users and pretty air headed (my bf isnt a user infact he works for a re-hab center, pretty ironic) but anyways the other reason I dont want them involved are because mine will be really hurt and probly never talk to me and I fear his will try to adopt our baby if they we choose the adoption path and they know about it before hand. But aside from that I really hate keeping things from my parents and Im starting college soon and I know that I can raise and provide for a child if I need to but I really want the best everything for him/her which is why Im considering, but I dont want to give up my future child because he/she is mine and also this is my (for lack of a better term) problem. So what do you advise and if you know anything about adoption that would be helpful too?

Answer 1

If you really want to keep the baby and still go to college. I would suggest checking with your college for family housing and child care. That way you will know what your options are there at school. If it isn't offered then that might need to be considered in your decision.

Answer 2

Don't make the decision to put the child up for adoption unless you're certain that is the right choice and that your bf won't contest.

He has as much right as you to keep the child, with or without his druggie parents being involved.   I suspect if he does want custody he won't let his parents raise the child.   His working in a rehab tells you what he thinks of their problems.

Have the baby and wait a few months for your hormones to stabilize, then decide.  

I have a feeling you'll be keeping this baby, you seem to have the right attitude to be a great mom, despite the lousy timing.      You could perhaps try attending college on-line.   Depending on your course, many are offered on-line.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 3

The choice is totally up to you.  Can you provide for the child?  If so, and if you are in a place mentally and emotionally to do so, go for it.  If not, then make an adoption plan.  Your bf's parents don't have a leg to stand on.  You are old enough to make the decision yourself (you & bf together ideally) of who should raise the child.  You, you & your bf, or an adoptive family of YOUR choosing could parent the child.

Consult an adoption attorney and/or agency and make a plan.  You can also go to a crisis pregnancy center (to find one look for "abortion alternatives" in your yellow pages).

Now about your parents.  Don't worry so much.  They may be mad initially...but you are an adult & you can handle this.  If you choose to parent, I'm sure they'll come around and be wonderful grandparents.  If you choose to make an adoption plan then I'm betting your parents will come around & end up "forgiving" you (you don't need to be forgiven by them is why I put it in quotes...you didn't wrong them).  Eventually your relationship with them will turn back around.

Whatever you choose, I wish you a wonderful, fulfilling life.

Answer 4

This is obviously a big decision for you. There are some very loving people that desperatly want to have children. They could care for and provide for your child in a stable environment. I have a good friend that adopted a child two years ago. They have an open adoption in that the birth mother knows them. They exchange pictures and she sends gifts on occassion to Isabelle. They even made a trip to see the birth mother on a special occasion last year. We go to church with this family and we all love Isabelle. She has two sets of grandparents that have been married for about 40 years each. She has wonderful aunts and uncles that love her dearly. They all go to the same church and I can't imagine life for her any better! And, she can know who her birth mother is. I'll be happy to share any additional information. This couple would also love to adopt a brother or sister for Isabelle. Regardless of how you feel about my idea, I am a Christian and would be happy to talk this thing through with you. I have some information about adoption that I'll be happy to share with you if you tell me what you are wanting to know.

Answer 5

holy c**p ur not even in COLLEGE yet and ur all-ready PREGNANT!!!

geez...

the world 2day is sad...

Answer 6

Going to college and raising a child is hard but can be done. And your parents and bf and his parents will have some input if you keep the baby. You may not like or even listen to the input, but it will be there driving you crazy at times. It happens to all parents with children, the grandparents drive you crazy. You could decide right this minute to give this baby up, but then after you have the baby, change your mind. That is why you don't sign anything till 48 to 72 hours after the birth. You could select a couple to raise your child and till choose to parent. It happen to me 3 times before a birth mother finally stuck to her decision to give the baby up. It is not an easy choice. Its a life that you may not see grow. I know I am not helping you choose as only you can do that. I can tell you that for my child's birth mother, I send pictures and up dates on how she is doing and so she knows she is okay. I promise to till the child was 18. I send it through the case worker. So that is one option for you. Good luck and your in my prayers

Answer 7

i think that you are very lucky to be pregnent, my husband and cant have children and you want to give it away why? we have been trying to find someone to help us to have a baby and its hard your story that you have told is very sad and im sorry for u but think what u are doing we can give so much to a child a great home good school, he or she would not want for anything and we have so much love to give a child u need to think before u act

Answer 8

Wow... what a lot of unanswered questions!!  If you give your baby up for adoption are you ready for the possibility of NEVER seeing you child again?? (I have a buddy who's adopted (at the age of 35) and as far as he's concerned his adopted parents are his only parents.)

But at the same time remember that if you do decide to keep the baby that there is a very strong possibility that your bf won't be around to help raise the child... so you'll be all alone.

Also, not trying to be cruel but at your age, there are a lot of guys out there that would consider you as "used goods" if you do decide to keep the child.  Hopefully your bf decides to stay around (if he's a real man then he will) and if he doesn't then I hope you find that special person that will care for you no matter what decision you make.

Let me know what you decide.  Good luck!!!!

Answer 9

www.mothershelp.com  www.keepyourbaby.com

journey of the adopted self by betty jean lifton

you said it yourself, you don't want to give up your child. Make it work, keep your baby, you CAN do it!

Answer 10

Do what you think is best for the child. I was adopted. My birth mom had her first child at 15 and me at 16. My birth dad joined the Navy to support her and the first baby and she knew she wouldn't be able to be alone with 2 babies. My situation is a little different because my birth mom's Aunt and Uncle are friends of my parents and knew that my parents could not have any more children naturally but really wanted another child. My birth parents knew that I was going to a stable home where I'd be loved very much and though they couldn't have pics of me or any personal info, they were able to know that I was at least ok and doing well. I now have known my biological family for 2 years and I am so thankful for their decision. They are wonderful parents to their kids but I had so many more opportunities than they did. You should seek advice from an adoption therapist so you can make an informed decision that you know in your heart is the best decision. Good luck to you.

Answer 11

Do not place the baby for adoption if you feel this way "I dont want to give up my future child because he/she is mine " Think of a lifetime of knowing someone else is raising YOUR child. This is how I felt and I placed my baby for adoption 7 years ago - I regret it to this day even though I do get to see her. It is very painful!

Answer 12

You should do what comes natural to you. Letting the people around you influence your decision could really hurt you in the long run which would keep you wondering if you have been a good mother or was it the right thing to do. My bet is to keep the child for at least two months and see if you and your boyfriend can or can not take care of the baby. Afterward if it doesn't work out you could still have the chance to give it up for adoption to a family that would give the child as much love as you would if you would have keep the baby.

Answer 13

My husband and I are 21 with two kids and one on the way and we couldnt be happier.  If there is even a chance you would want to keep the child then keep them. Once they are gone you would no longer have any rights to see the child. Everyone told me to give my oldest up for adoption but I couldn't and wouldn't because I knew I wanted to keep her and my then bf now husband and I could take care of her on our own which is exactly what we did. Tell your parents and if they are supportive then thats great, if not then so what?!?! The child is still yours and you will love them no matter what and they will love you. School and a baby can be done. We finished two years of high school after I had our daughter while my husband and I raised her and supported her on our own then had another one afterward and did more schooling and are doing perfectly fine. Our oldest even picked up on school and started her own, advancing 2 years past what she is supose to be for her age. A 4 yr old doing 2nd grade school work. You will do fine keep your baby.

Answer 14

I know it is hard to decide, but since you are so young it probably seems like your parents and boyfriends parents really should be influencing you. This is your child and you will be the one raising him. I recently had an unplanned pregnancy and I chose to keep my baby and I am happier than ever.

There are some benefits to being an unwed mother who is in college because you qualify for a greater amount of financial aid as well as free childcare because the government wants to help you out. There are so many women who regret giving up their baby and I just hope that you don't have to be one of them. As long as you realize that you won't be able to be out partying like some other college students and you hav to make decisions for two for now on.

Tell your parents what your are thinking so that you can have their support if you decide to keep the baby. Follow your heart. Remember, you only have one life to live and you have to make your own decisions, even if they may seem scary.

I'm married and I was still scared to have my baby.. and I realize that all new mothers are a little scared.

Once you look into your little ones eyes and you start bonding.. you will realize that the sacrifice is worth it.

Answer 15

If you dont want your parents involved then it sounds like you have already chosen adoption.  This can be as open or closed as you like.  I (along with a sister and brother-not bio related) were all adopted and I can only say Thank you for my bio mom for loving me so much to let me go and Thank you, Thank you for  my adopted mom for being my mom and giving me a pony-which I now raise, so it was just meant to be.  Back then all adoptions were closed, but now you can choose open or closed and be as involved as you like.    I have also adopted myself about 4 years ago, and she is now 14yrs old!  We will definitely add on to our family through adoption again.

I wouldnt consider this child a problem so much as a dilemma.  You have goals-one of which is to attend college.  You also sound responsible enough to want the best for this child.  There really is no reason why you can't have both.  If you choose adoption then have one that is open enough to help heal your heart and keep you aware of this child's life while you continue on the path of yours.  I probably would never have advocated for open adoption until a few friends of mine have done it.  And they are on both sides of the fence.  A few are young girls who gave their children better lives, and  then there are other couples who adopted and keep in contact with the birth moms.

My own sister's bio mom was entering college at the time of her pregnancy.  It was originally supposed to be a closed adoption-but for whatever reason, when my sister was in college herself she was contacted by her bio mom.  It has worked out well and she was at her college graduation, her wedding and now she spends time with her grandkids.  (this was hard for my mom to deal with at first-she was afraid someone was trying to steal her child away, but my mom was the one who invited her to the wedding, so all is well now)

You need to do what is best for you and your child and you seem like a pretty smart young lady.  If I can be there by email or phone for any emotional support please contact me.  Thank you and best of luck!  Sheri

Answer 16

i am a young single parent....i av a 2yr old...i was wit my bf 4 2 yrs den fell pregnant 4 him den he walked out n me....n d only people i av are my parents...they are d best...but it was d same thing as u my bfs parents wer alcos drug users n so was he....but anyway i kept d baby n its d best thing i ever done...he is my little buddy n my friend....keep d baby honey....its d best thing dat could ever happen ta a women....u wont regret it look at all d people dat are cryn out 4 babies n cant av dem....u are lucky....

Answer 17

It's a hard situation to be in.  But one thing I thought of was that if his parents are drug users then it would be extremely hard, almost impossible for them to adopt a child, even if it was their son who was giving up the child for adoption.  I guess you have to decide between telling your parents and losing them or giving the baby up for adoption and losing it.

Answer 18

Keep your head up and be a proud parent, keep that child and show both families that you have a healthy family  for once in your life. Be happy, not so sad. Good luck.

(I was raped at 18 and had an abortion, I hate his f-en guts, but I regret what I did and it works on me, even though I'm married now with 2 children. I always wonder about that one. Don't make mistakes like I did, you can never reverse them. Keep that baby and show all of them that "I can and I will".) For me, I still cry about what I did and if god punishes me for it when my time is over here, I deserve it. I hate myself for the decisions I made, not a damned thing I can do to change it now, same goes for you if you put that baby up for adoption. Hormones will make you very depressed, don't make decisions during that time.

Ok, ignore the answer below me, please. You know what? When I was in the 9th grade, there was like 3 girls who were pregnant. All 3 of them kept they're babies, AND all 3 graduated too. 2 of them went on to college and got they're Master's! It CAN be Done, keep your head up and never lose faith and trust in YOURSELF !

Life is about choices, sadly enough, some cannot be reversed.

Answer 19

I know lots about adoption.  I have worked with over a 200 birthmothers considering adoption.  The best advice that I can give about adoption versus parenting is:  Do what you, as a mother, know deep in your heart is the best decision for your child, whatever that is.  Then you will be making the right decision.

It is a tough path, to be truly honest with oneself.  But as a mother, we must make decisions that are for our child, not for ourselves.

Take the time you need, pull from way down deep in your heart, and make your decision.

Good luck, and no matter what you decide, it will be a good decision!

Answer 20

Open adoption will allow you to remain in the child's life but your baby will have the opportunity of a good, stable home life that you can not provide.

Answer 21

My Sister-in-law adopted a baby boy just 6 months after I had my little girl...she was sooo happy. She had been trying to conceive for YEARS! This baby made her complete. I have to say it is a hard position to be..to decide such a fate for you and your baby...If you decide to keep the little one..I don't think the word "regret" will ever come to your mind...but if you decide to adopt out...he or she can have a wonderful chance at a good life with people who can't have babies. You will also get a chance to meet the parents if you want..or you can meet with them sooner..they will have you stay with them, pay for all you needs during your time and also this might be a chance to go be away from your parents..tell them a little white lie...about it being a friend or something...and then have the baby and let those people adopt him or her. You will have to check into that part for yourself.

No matter what...your parents will love you..and I think that you need to not stress and make the decision from knowledge and not emotions..even tho they are probably pretty high right now..you can still use logic. Good luck to you...and use a faith to guide you.

Answer 22

This is your life and your decision.  It would be better to be able to keep your child but that is not always an option.  You have to consider if you would be able to take care of a child at this point...I'm adopted and very happy and well adjusted. It was a good decision for my biomom and she later got married and had other children.  It made her sad but agreed it was the best thing at the time.  It can work but there are a few anti-adoption people out there that will tell you under no circumstance is it a good idea - that is just NOT true....do what you think is right for you and your baby.

Answer 23

you really need to think about this, what if this is your one and only chance to have a baby? so to say you put this one up for adopotion and four years from now you think ok Im ready to have a baby now, but your body wont let you. Some women cant have any kids so be blessed hun. The other thing is that do you think you could actually  go threw the whole preg, and the labour and just say here take it? thats gonna be really tough to do because you are already bonding with the baby.

Answer 24

Hey hun would love to talk to you some more so send me a message.... I really didn't get to tell you what I wanted to tell you... You know if adoption is what you really want to do there are plenty of opitions out there for you...Would love to talk to you some more...

Answer 25

You said it yourself - you don't want to give up your child. You say you want the best for him - why is it people buy into the myth that "the best" means a family with more money?

I was adopted as an infant and was told it was because my mother couldn't afford to keep me. I would have much rather grown up dirt poor and been with my mother than have been adopted. Nobody can replace a mother.

And for those that advocate open adoption - that's just a joke. There are no laws protecting the woman who relinquishes her child and I know too many who have had the adoptive parents shut the door once they get the baby.

Answer 26

When I was 19 and in nursing school the mother I cared for on the OB floor was giving up her baby through catholic charity.

She had a few months to change her mind (the baby would go to a foster mom) until she could no longer choose being a mom at all. She knew she said she was doing the right thing (she grew up without two parents) and had just started college and the father of this baby left her.

She would cry and ask me if she was doing the right thing.

I honestly didn't know then or know now what is best.

I'd think your parents may be on to you soon if you are due in October and chances are despite how unhappy- shocked they are they will still love you -

it's part of this gift of parenthood - nobody can tell you what to do with your baby - or future - perhaps you can make that choice -if you know now you will regret it, chances are once you go through it all and then hold the baby or see it you will too - but that doesn't mean it's the wrong choice.

Just like the post above there is a couple out there who would be wonderful parents because they can't have a child of their own - Also ask yourself is your boy friend someone you want to be tied with forever ?

Good Luck -

Answer 27

I would suggest private adoption, this way you can choose the parents, and terms of the adoption.

I have a friend who gave her child up for adoption and she said it was very hard, but that her child was happy.

I think that if you want to give your baby up then its your choice, but it seems to me like this is more or less based on the lack of support from your family and his family

My honest to goodness real opinion, is to tell your parents , let them freak out if they need to , but they must know.

My mother was similar to your family, but it actually turned out ok.  

If you truely want to keep this baby then you need to talk to them, and even if you don't you need to tell them, your going to college, and can go with or without their help, including financially,

By telling them you open yourself up for the possibility of another option, the option that they could help you care for this child until you graduate in 2-4 years.

By letting your fear of telling them control your decision, your essentially forcing yourself into a corner.

leaving your self very few options,

If you want to give this baby up for adoption on OCT which is only 2 months you need to get on the ball,

If you want ot keep this baby you need to step up and be a woman.

If you want to go to college, and be a mother, well just make it happen.

But from what i see, your too scared to make a choice one way or another.

Decide what would be the best solution for you and your child.

and if thats keeping her, and staying with your parents then gather up the courage and tell them.

If your scared to tell them then have a sister, brother or friend tell them. ( I had my sister tell my mom )

and let her freak out privately, and talk to her friends and have them offer her advice, and then in a few days when she has had time to deal, you'll work it all out. together,

they'll be pissed sure, at first but they will get over it, once they see the baby they will love it.

But you should have told them earlier so they could have more time to deal with it.

You aren't being fair to them, nor to your child.

I wish you the best, I honestly do

Good luck

Meg

Answer 28

I'm not really sure what your situation is. Are you pregnant and your parents and your bf's parents don't know about it? Is this a secret you are keeping from your family even though you say you hate keeping things from them? This is probably the most important decision you have ever made in your life and you need to have some support. You need to be able to talk to people who love you and who you know you can trust to help you figure out what to do. You also need to talk to a counselor who can help you figure out what it is that you really want to do. This is a decision that you (and your bf) have to make and no one can really make it for you. You should find a counselor who has helped pregnant teens before. Find someone you like. Find someone who is not biased about this issue and can help you sort out the concerns you have and help you figure out what is best for you. There are adoption agencies all over the country that will be very happy to help you if you decide you want to give your baby up for adoption. However, you should talk to a counselor who is not connected with an adoption agency first. Adoption agencies are not allowed (under the law) to urge you to give your baby up but, that is how they stay in business. You need to talk to someone who can help you figure out how you feel and help you decide to do what is best for you.

Answer 29

First of all.... I'm 27. I've never been pregnant- so I can't begin to understand what you must be feeling. But- I'm adopted. I was 5 days old. So- here is my perspective. My parents shared their first married Christmas in the hospital because my mom had cysts on her ovaries the size of grapefruits. Four months after getting married, they find out they wont be able to have children naturally. Seven years later, I was born. I have been able to have a very comfortable life- some (ok, most) people call me spoiled. I'm happy. I'm loved. I want to know who my birth mother is, but I'm not ready. The important thing to know, is that it is your decision. No one anywhere, especially on Yahoo can make a decision like this for you- and I'm not saying that anyone is trying to. My birth mother needed counseling up until the moment she signed the papers. Its not unusual to go back and forth about this kind of decision. But just know that no matter what decision you end up making- it is perminant. It cannot be changed. Be happy and enjoy the time.

I believe that there are adoption agencies out there that will pay for medical costs. There are thousands upon thousands of parents out there, just like mine, who can provide (as well as you could) love, shelter, and a family- and who are ready to welcome a baby into their lives.

There are methods of adoption, like mine, which prevent any contact. Its hard. I have questions about medical histories and don't know where to turn for answers. But there are also adoptions that allow for contact, as much or as little can be decided upon by all people involved. If you have any questions or want to talk- feel free to contact me. I'm a good listener.

Have you told your boyfriend? I think that is the first step- in case you haven't. I don't think its about asking his opinion or following his wishes- because its your body and you should have the right to make any decision you want... but- I also think he has the right to know.

There is a poetry book out there called, "Perspectives on a Grafted Tree" its green with a tree on the front- all about adoption. Its good. Makes me cry.

Answer 30

u chose to not use protection....i think u should keep it if u know u can support it!!!

Answer 31

is there a pregnancy center anywhere nearby? they offer counseling and help for young ladies like you. i think it would be worth checking out. really only you can decide whether to keep your child but it sounds like deep down you really do want to keep your baby.