Im writing a script for a short film, and i would like some feedback on the opening?

Question

the story is about a samurai during the 1800s after the Meiji restoration (after a violent civil war) reflecting on his past as he walks down a forest where certain events in the plot took place. after the ban of swords and samurai, he became an unknown legend. this is all irrelevant right now as all i need is some feedback on the opening narration. this is spoken as a camera pans around a forest showing the beauty of life and nature.

"every man has a secret. a poison streaming through their vains. this poison, kills them little by little, day by day. to some, however, they embrace this pain. some say, its what causes a man to a slow death. others say, however, that its this pain, that their life and soul feeds off of, to live just one more day, one more hour, even. its been said that this pain echos from the past, grasping you from years away. to this very day, only a few men have felt this kind of pain. and of those few men, only a few allow the words carried by this pain to be heard."

Answer 1

please make this into a book it sounds so good.............. i say go for it ................... please

Answer 2

thats good!! i cant even write stories like that cuz i suck at writing lol!!

Answer 3

"Every man has a secret, a poison rotting their soul. It kills them little by little, day by day. Some, embrace this pain. They say, it's what gets me through the day. This is my way!"

I think less would be better. We're not concerned with how

others feel, we want to know how he feels. Just a suggestion,

it sounds interesting and I think you have something here.

Good luck.

Answer 4

first, your bad spelling & punctuation made reading this difficult.  anytime you ask someone to read something you wrote you should make sure everything is correct.

second, i'd rewrite it.  there's a bit too much of "some say" this & "some say" that & "others say" something else.  it sounds like you're trying to present too many points of view so it's confusing.

"others say, however, that its this pain, that their life and soul feeds off of, to live just one more day, one more hour, even."

this is very awkward.  try something like:  But there are those who feed off this pain, who use it to live one more hour, one more day.

also, if "every man has a secret, a poison streaming through their veins," then why have "only a few men felt this kind of pain?"  shouldn't every man feel this pain if every man has a secret?

"only a few (men) allow the words carried by this pain to be heard."  what the heck does that mean?  only a few men listen to their pain?  only a few men talk about this pain to others?  what words is this pain carrying?  how can pain carry words?

this whole thing is very convoluted, almost like english is your second language.  try to be plainer.  think about what you are trying to say & write that down.  don't try to be clever or too poetic.