Im writing an essay...how do you think its going so far..?

Question

THIS IS ALL I'VE WRITTEN...

They have six legs,crunch when you squish them,and make most girls scream.If you guessed cockroaches then you were correct.They always make walking to the kitchen at night a hassle because you never know what you're gonna step on.Most people have had experiences with cockaroaches.I've had to many to count!I guess they're attracted to my perfume

I remember when I went to key west for the weekend and on our way back home we stopped to get something to munch on.We went to sonic and i ordered an oreo sonic blast.After we drove away and went through the long,excruciating task of giving everybody what they ordered,I got the straw,and stuck it inside the sonic blast.I took one fast sip!At that very moment a cockroach was sitting quietly in the straw and was sucked into my mouth.I could feel this squirmy little thing swimming aroung in my mouth and at first i thought it was just a piece of ice.After the first bite it kept moving so i spit out.I was so discusted!I threw up about five times,it was like something out of a movie,chunks flying everywhere.

THE TOPIC WAS...

MOST PEOPLE HAVE HAD EXPERIENCES WITH COCKROACHES

think about your own experiences with cockroaches:seeing them, killing them, being scared of them, etc

now write to describe your experience with a cockroach.Be sure to include details you think will interest your readers

Answer 1

My first suggestion would be to use the active voice rather than the passive voice.  Also try to get as detailed as possible with the description of how you felt during the whole ordeal, and its okay to embellish a little to add dramatic effect.  Don't say that the cockaroach was sitting quietly in the straw.  No no, the roach scampered menacingly up the straw with ill intentions.  Make the roach the antagonist, not just a ancillary character.

Answer 2

You aren't a good writer, to be honest.

Please do not describe throwing up.

I feel very ill now.