In 1998 I put my son up adoption and now i fear that i was a bad parent?

Question

My parent adopted him and now hes nine and I see him how do i tell him why i put him up for adpotion

Answer 1

the best thing here is to be honest. not only with the child but to yourself also. was the reasons behind this adoption because you wanted better for him or was it because you were selfish? if you did this in his best interest that shows...you not only would have been a good parent it also shows that you are. even in secret.

Answer 2

i guess you could just sit him down and tell him the truth. were you young? didnt have the money? didnt have the proper skills and attitude to take care of him? this question is lacking details so i dont know much of what to say. my advice, stick to the truth.

Answer 3

I am sure you are a generous and living parent who made the best possible decision you could make for your son at the time.  

How do you explain that?  By telling your son that you wanted so much for him, and did not want him to do without anything, so you made this decision to give him stable parents.  You felt like it would give him the best life possible.  If you made the decsion today, it might be different.  But you are so grateful to be able to see him and be a part of his life, and you always will be.

Answer 4

Listen what is done is done so don't beat yourself up. You had your reasons and at least you had him and gave him life so that means you are a good person. Now does your son think your his sis or his mom ? I think it was interesting your parent adopted him and I hope they are honest with him aboout who his mom is. This adoption is not like a stranger taking him so I hope that haven't lied to him. If they have then that is strange. At least you have a chance to see him . i hope you do. and one day he will know the truth. You are not a bad parent. If you were you wouldn't give a c**p. Hang in there.

Answer 5

Does your parent want to tell him yet?  You should make sure you know what they want too.  You should just sit down and tell him what the situation was and why you thought this was better for him.

good luck!

Answer 6

Does he know he was adopted? And that you’re his birthmother?  If he has asked questions just tell him that you couldn’t provide for a baby at that time in your life, so one of your parents agreed to raise him as their own.  Does your birthchild have a good life, is he happy and healthy? If so then you were not a bad parent you did what you felt was best for him.

If he doesn’t know you’re his birthmother if he has questions about his adoption assuming he knows he is adopted he’d likely direct them at his adoptive Parent(s).  If he does not know that he is adopted I don’t think its your place to tell him. Instead you should discuss it with his adoptive Parent(s), which are your Parent(s).

Answer 7

Be honest with him that's all you can do and remember you were not a bad parent you are a wonderful parent you gave him life!

Answer 8

If he already knows that he's adopted and you feel that he's mature enough to hear the truth then sit him down and explain everything to him. Let him know that not only are you but your parents also are there to answer any questions he may have. The hard part is if he does not already know he was adopted. I was adopted from within my family also but I never knew until I was like 19 years old. Pretty much everyone in my family knew but me. I understand why my adoptive parents never told me but I still have some issues even now processing the fact that everybody knew but me. I was like the family secret or something. So if he does not know and you and his adoptive parents think he should then I would tell him as soon as possible.

Answer 9

Well at that age it it hard to tell explain all this to him of course, but i am sure he will be confused and all about this, but the best thing i can say is that you can explain what was happening when you put him up for adoption. Something else you could do is take him to a park or someplace fun and talk to him.Sounds easy,but its hard to do.And don't blame yourself for being a bad parent you did what you had to do it is better to put up for adoption then abortion. At least your son lives.

Answer 10

If I were you I'd do one of two things.  Either wait until he asks or bring it up as part of his life story.  I tell my bio sons the story of my pregnancy and the birth with them.  I tell my adopted daughters their story...including why they were available to be adopted and what we went through to bring them into our family.  

Always approach it in a way that protects his self image.  Answer questions in an age appropriate fashion.

Answer 11

Ohhhh, I feel for you.

My daughter is only six, but I've been thinking about what I'll tell her for all six of those years.

You simply have to tell the truth.

And that sounds so easy, but it's not... for multiple reasons. One of the biggest reasons, for me, was that even I wasn't aware of the truth for several years. It took a long time for me to become self-aware enough to look hard at the situation surrounding my daughter's relinquishment. I spent a lot of time in denial, thinking I had done this wonderful thing for her and gave her a better life... when in fact I had just given her a DIFFERENT life, and risked feelings of abandonment for her.

So, while I don't know what is true for you, I can tell you, roughly, what I'll be saying:

I'm sorry I relinquished you. From my perspective, it was a mistake. I love you so incredibly much, and always have. I just didn't understand adoption fully when I let you go. I should have been stronger, and I'm sorry.

Answer 12

You made a really good choice to put him up for adoption.  Explain to him that you did it so he would have a better life.

Answer 13

I can not begin to imagine the guilt of giving up your child, however, I know first hand of the joy of adopting one. My husband and I adopted my Great nephew.I could never think of my neice as being a bad mother, HOW COULD I?, She gave me a blessing, IS THAT BAD??? The bad thing would have been if  she would have kept him and couldn't have cared for him. It's people like you who show the greatest love when you have to sacrifice something so precious and then have to bear the guilt. Sometimes love comes at a cost. Just be thankful that you can still be with him and watch him grow. But as far as speaking with him about his adoption and the reason why,leave that to his parents. And then one day when he's older, if he asks you then(with love) be honest.

Answer 14

You should allow his PARENTS to determine when and how to tell him that he was adopted.  You are no longer his parent, and have no right to divulge this information to him.

When the time does come, just tell him the truth-that you could not be a parent at the time, and you made the decision to both give him life and give him a family that could take care of him in ways you could not.  Tell him that you are happy that he could remain in the family so that you had the opportunity to watch him grow, and be the best sister you can be to him!  But do NOT try to be a parent to him.

Answer 15

it doesn't actually mean that you are a bad parent. Maybe you just weren't ready for the responsibility for your son. But it's ok.

Answer 16

At nine he probley doesn't realy understand about being grown up and the "ability" to care for another person.  Give him tid bits of information AS HE ASKS for them.  DO NOT LIE.

If you were young explain that fact.  You can not have a baby and go to high school.  Maybe explain your could not feed him or clothe him and that you needed somone who could care for him and you loved him so much you couldn't bare to see him go to "strangers".  By letting your own parent adopt him he got to be apart of your life forever.

Answer 17

NO, you are not a bad parent.  You did the best you could possibly do with the information, support and resources you had at the time: based on your age, your finances, your network of medical and professional help, living conditions.  There are many factors that make up a decision like that. Of course circumstances change....but at the time, you did the best you could!

Keep in touch with your child. Let him know that you are there for him when he needs to talk.  

Good Luck!

Answer 18

If he's not asking or acting as though he's aware its best to just let him have his parents and not wonder about such things.

If he's wanting to know, just tell him the truth. YOu were unable to take care of him, and wanted him to have the best mom and dad you know of. Thats why you gave him up for adoption. Its not that you didnt love, its that you couldnt take care of him like he needed.

Answer 19

Chances are you couldn't handle a child at the time. You made a good decision if you couldn't financially/emotionally support a child at the time.

I would only tell him if he asks. Otherwise, why ruin a good thing?

Answer 20

email me,