In Cyrano de Bergerac, what is the quote I am looking for?

Question

When Cyrano is fighting in Act 1, he explains the different ways his nose can be insulted, like in a certain way. What is the whole speech he says?

Answer 1

Is this what you are looking for?

"My nose is Gargantuan! You little Pig-snout, you tiny Monkey-Nostrils, you virtually invisible Pekinese-Puss, don't you realize that a nose like mine is both scepter and orb, a monument to me superiority? A great nose is the banner of a great man, a generous heart, a towering spirit, an expansive soul--such as I unmistakably am, and such as you dare not to dream of being, with your bilious weasel's eyes and no nose to keep them apart! With your face as lacking in all distinction--as lacking, I say, in interest, as lacking in pride, in imagination, in honesty, in lyricism--in a word, as lacking in nose as that other offensively bland expanse at the opposite end of your cringing spine--which I now remove from my sight by stringent application of my boot!"

Answer 2

Twenty Ways to Insult a Nose

DE GUICHE: Will no one put him down?. . .

THE VISCOUNT: No one? But wait!

  I'll treat him to ... one of my quips! ... See here! ...

(He goes up to Cyrano, who is watching him. With a conceited air):

  Sir, your nose is ... hmm ... it is ... very big!

CYRANO (gravely): Very!

THE VISCOUNT (laughing): Ha!

CYRANO (imperturbably): Is that all?

THE VISCOUNT: What do you mean?

CYRANO: Ah no! young blade!  That was a trifle short!

You might have said at least a hundred things

By varying the tone ... like this, suppose, ...

Aggressive:  'Sir, if I had such a nose

I'd amputate it!'  Friendly:  'When you sup

It must annoy you, dipping in your cup;

You need a drinking-bowl of special shape!'

Descriptive:  ''Tis a rock! ... a peak! ... a cape!

--A cape, forsooth!  'Tis a peninsular!'

Curious:  'How serves that oblong capsular?

For scissor-sheath?  Or pot to hold your ink?'

Gracious:  'You love the little birds, I think?

I see you've managed with a fond research

To find their tiny claws a roomy perch!'

Truculent:  'When you smoke your pipe ... suppose

That the tobacco-smoke spouts from your nose--

Do not the neighbors, as the fumes rise higher,

Cry terror-struck:  "The chimney is afire"?'

Considerate:  'Take care, ... your head bowed low

By such a weight ... lest head o'er heels you go!'

Tender:  'Pray get a small umbrella made,

Lest its bright color in the sun should fade!'

Pedantic:  'That beast Aristophanes

Names Hippocamelelephantoles

Must have possessed just such a solid lump

Of flesh and bone, beneath his forehead's bump!'

Cavalier:  'The last fashion, friend, that hook?

To hang your hat on?  'Tis a useful crook!'

Emphatic:  'No wind, O majestic nose,

Can give THEE cold!--save when the mistral blows!'

Dramatic:  'When it bleeds, what a Red Sea!'

Admiring:  'Sign for a perfumery!'

Lyric:  'Is this a conch? ... a Triton you?'

Simple:  'When is the monument on view?'

Rustic:  'That thing a nose?  Marry-come-up!

'Tis a dwarf pumpkin, or a prize turnip!'

Military:  'Point against cavalry!'

Practical:  'Put it in a lottery!

Assuredly 'twould be the biggest prize!'

Or ... parodying Pyramus' sighs ...

'Behold the nose that mars the harmony

Of its master's phiz! blushing its treachery!'

--Such, my dear sir, is what you might have said,

Had you of wit or letters the least jot:

But, O most lamentable man!--of wit

You never had an atom, and of letters

You have three letters only!--they spell ***!

And--had you had the necessary wit,

To serve me all the pleasantries I quote

Before this noble audience ... e'en so,

You would not have been let to utter one--

Nay, not the half or quarter of such jest!

I take them from myself all in good part,

But not from any other man that breathes!

-- Edmond Rostand