In any decision I make, I feel that either way I'll make the wrong choice and I just want life to end already?

Question

I'm 25 years old. My only dream in high school was to beat Michael Johnson's record in the 200m dash. I was fastest in the state, but I tore the hip flexors in my right leg and was never able to fully recover while running my second event at the state meet.

I feel like I've never known my mother and she's never known me - only the person I tried to be to satisfy her when I was around her.

My "father" spends all of his money on crack and would rather get high than take a real interest in my life (I met him when I was 20)

I was always the one who made people laugh and helped everybody with their problems.

I hooked up a few couples in high school who ended up getting married, but the only three girlfriends I've had all ended up being... well... I guess evil would be the most suiting word.

I'm always told that I'm a really good looking guy, but even after putting my picture on that "HOT OR NOT" website and receiving a 9.5 rating out of 95 votes, I still feel ugly.

I don't like all the things everyone else me likes, or I enjoy things to a lesser degree (s*x, music, dancing, movies etc.)

I do good in my college classes, ( I have a 4.67GPA) but I hate going to school and not going to practice... I hate the fact that neither of my parents graduated from high school and I can't share any of these experiences with them... I hate the way it seems my "father" want to spite me... I hate the way women treated me and accused me of being a 'player' when I would never do anything of the sort...

I used to be fun-loving and able to get up after anything, but I've been feeling like **** for months now. I was screwed out of my job due to discrimination, and I can't do **** about it because I live in an at will state and in addition, I'm getting the runaround in places I'm overqualified for.

I got my A+ certification in computer science while still in high school. Everyone else got a job right away... but not me.

I tried hard. I try and I try, but I've gotten *(explative)* around every corner, and now I just realized that for the past six years I've felt as though it is impossible for me to make the right decision because there can be no right decisions in my life. Even things as simple as what to eat or which store to go to.

I've been living in my dad's garage watching him get high and his girlfriend pop pills because my mom wouldn't let me stay with her for the simple reason that I chose to move out when I turned 17.

I've lived alone and on my own basically for the last 8 years and I just want the next 80 or so years to pass instantaneously so I can finally rest in peace.

I can't shake this feeling. It's been growing worse and worse. What do I do? What can I do? I don't even know if I want to do it any more

Answer 1

OK, you are spiraling into clinical depression and all from an upbringing of rejection and emotional abandonment, most likely.  I would call your local mental health number, even a suicide prevention hotline for your county and get connected to the mental health system so you can get some counseling and meds.  That is, if you do not have health insurance.  If you DO have insurance, call the number on the back of the insurance card and ask customer service for  some names to psychiatrists and counselors. Ask for a counselor who knows about addictions in the family. Go see one of them!  Also, there is a 12 step program called adult children of alcholics (ACoA) which is very helpful for the adult kids of drug and alcholic parents to learn to have a good self esteem, self confidence and to like themselves! Google ACoA meetings.  Hey, you have nothing to be ashamed of!  Give yourself the attention and love you haven't gotten elsewhere and others will follow...I promise!  PS.  Your dad is jealous.

Answer 2

Dustin, You are in between a rock and a hard place.You should move away from these conditions that you are living in as soon as you can afford it.Associate only with people that are successfull and do not do drugs or alcohol.Clean up and go to a large church of your choice on week ends.Ask the pastor if he can guide you so you can improve.Stand tall,stand proud of your name.Smile at every one.Only say good things about people.At church tell them you need a job and will not let them down and mean it.When you get up go to church and God will lift you up.Make your father proud.I believe in you and wish you the best.Ask God to help you right now.

Answer 3

i know this feeling trust me, You have to be grateful though your living a dream life compared to some peoples. To me it just kind of sounds that you held things in for too long and you are obviously getting depressed. I mean i really dont know what to say but to just talk to someone, talking helps ALOT even though it may not seem like it sometime. Maybe therapy a close friend family. You could even email me i really hope you feel better

Answer 4

you have accomplished so much in your life that others have not,or would like to have.do not give up now your life is coming together just around the next corner.never stop trying to get what you deserve.so sorry for what your parents can not see from you.you are something and some one to love,you go after what you want and do not give up,some one os out there for you but you have to go after what you want.good luck and may God bless you.just do not stop now.

Answer 5

Sounds like you are seriously depressed. I would talk to your doctor, and consider going on anti-depressants.  But what I think you really need is a different environment.  You need to move out, get away from your toxic parents.  Work, get into a routine. excercise. take care of yourself.  Work on developing a positive attitude.  Meditate. Focus on what is right in your life, at least you are not deformed, or in physical pain.  You are intelligent, attractive.  There are many people who could go far with what you have.

Answer 6

you are suffering from major depression and it is not something one can just snap out of, no more than a person can snap out of having asthma or something.   so, please go to a doctor.  i understand because i have problems too.  my son is a drug addict with cirrhosis.

i feel sick and tired of seeing him high and sometimes he even shoots up.  i have had him hospitalized so many times,only for him to go back to the drugs.  if you don't want to go to the doctor, at least go to the health food store and get something.  around here they have deprex, which really helps.  i have taken it.  but now i take wellbutrin.  but you are so depressed, how will you get out to help yourself?  call your crisis line.  just look in the phone book.  they will talk to you as long as you want them to.  look under crisis or help or call your local mental health.  please.  i don't know you, but i care and understand how it feels to be so disappointed.  my son just left.  what is he on now, i think.  his behavior is strange.  sometimes i even have to call the police.  life is still worth living.  in the past i felt i wanted it all to end, but if i did that i would not know my 15month old grandson. and i adore him.  is there one happy place in your mind that you can think on?  or one thing you could look forward to?  please live.  please.

you matter.

Answer 7

i think i see what you mean. sometimes just because people think you have everything, doesn't mean you do. its understandable that you are tired of putting on that constant happy face for everyone around you. i know, personally, that it gets tiring. im always trying to hide everything from people i know just so they're happy, when i might be having a miserable time. i think that you can handle this though. start with getting away from any negativity. people that get you down. and i know everyone says this, but find someone to talk to. im not going to say go to a 'shrink' simply because i hate that particular word, but go to someone like that. i can tell that you can do this though. you can get past this because from the sounds of it, you're a good guy, with some tough luck. but it's just a rough patch in your life. wait and see. it'll get better.