In love outside of the marriage and unhappy inside the marriage-what is your opinion?

Question

My friend is going through a situation at home. She feels unappreciated, unloved, and unstable due to her husbands lack of an ability to keep a job. She tries really hard to please everyone else, she puts everyone before herself, and makes sure her families needs are met before her own. She makes sure her husband is satisfied whether she wants to or not, and she feels all used up. She finally told her husband she was done, then after years of marriage, hurt, disappointment, and showering him with love even when he was wrong, she told him she wanted out and the hurt became too much. That is when the husband said he would change for the umpteenth time. She met a man in the same situation at home and he is unappreciated. He does everything his wife could ever ask a man to do: work, cook, clean, take care of the kids, buy her cars, jewelry, clothes, loves on her, and when he asks her, "Why don't you love me anymore?" all she could say was, "Well...". So long story short, the two who were hurt began to look to each other for comfort, and fell in love. I know many people say he is just using her, or she is using him, but he tells her he will help her with her kids, and he offers to buy her gifts and tells her he ginuinely loves her and wishes he met her before he met his wife. To top it all off, she feels the exact same way. Do you feel they are wrong? Has anyone ever been in a situation where this has happened? What is a man or woman to do when they cannot get love or appreciation at home, but they know they have taken vows with someone else? Any answers would be greatly appreciated and maybe I can take them to my friend and give her insight as to what she can or cannot look forward to. Thank you.

Answer 1

It's hard to make a judgement with only one side of each story.  But based on what you say and as long as both parties have left their spouse and made it clear they have no intentions of going back, I would say go for it, but be really careful to keep it a secret until after the divorces are final.  No need to be miserable

Answer 2

your question is sooo long i stopped reading after the 2nd sentence.

edit and make it brief and to the point, you will get more answers that way.

Answer 3

Her husband wasn't treating he well and she found someone else. Good for her. My only concern would be this new man won't be any better. Because sometimes we continue our patterns. But hey, that's for her to find out. But she doesn't owe her husband anything. If he didn't want her to leave, he should have been a better husband.

Answer 4

Both should file for divorce, and when the divorces are final, they can start dating.  Just only be friends during the divorce, and after the divorce they then can start dating.  (They shouldn't do anything that can cause for a delay in the divorce.)  As for the lazy bum husband, she deserves better, and he can get his butt off to work, he'll have to now anyway to pay child support.  They should not move in together or anything like that that an be brought up in court because of the children, custody, etc.  

Answer 5

Way too long to read, but in a nutshell?  People with integrity finish one thing before starting another.  In your friend's case, that means that if she is unhappy in her marriage, she should have the decency and honesty to get divorced first, THEN go looking for someone she is better suited to.

Answer 6

From my personal experience, the man stated that he was unhappy and mistreated in his marriage. Unlike your friend, I was not in a relationship at the time.  So, Since I wanted to be there for him, and understood what he was going through, (from a previous relationship, where I, too, felt unappreciated), we began our relationship.  I loved him, he loved me... We were going to be there for each other, right?  Wrong.  We both entered into an extra-marital affair... and that is wrong, even though we felt as if we were being there for the other person...

We took it a step farther.  And this is what your friend should know.... Some people say married men don't leave their wives.  Well, that is not true.  Because this guy left.  He divorced his wife, and married me.  Just like your friend, and her friend think, we will make everything all right. We both felt so unappreciated and unloved where we were, so we got together, and knew that we really loved for and cared for each other, so we were going to learn from our mistakes, and do it right this time.... right? Wrong.  It was very rocky... because the same issues arose in the relationship.  Not only that, there were children involved.  His children felt that Daddy left them, to be with another family... and understandably so, they were hurt by it.  No one really explained anything except, it was supposed to be better, but in essence, it wasn't.

The truth is, that we were wrong, because even though we tried in our own ways to justify our feelings, we were cheating, and entered into a situation, that was wrong to start with.  We were also wrong in the way in which we left the current spouse.  I believe the lesson here is that if the situation is bad at home, leave to make your situation better, not neccesarily to be with another person.  The two need to work on themselves BEFORE they look to try to have a relationship together, and make sure that if they do anything, they do it for the right reason.  Would either party contemplate leaving the situation that they are in, if it wasn't for the other person? If not, then they need to re-evaluate the situation.  In this world, you are going to get exactly what you give...

In conclusion, my marriage with this man, lasted less than two years.  In the end, he told the woman that he left me for, that he felt unloved unappreciated at home.(sound familiar).. Do you see the cycle?  If you are going to do something, do it for the right reason.  If your friend is going to leave, she needs to leave to make a better life for herself and her children... not for another man.  Besides, both parties are already showing each other that once they become unhappy in the relationship, they are not above going outside of the relationship for comfort...would they ever be able to trust each other???

Just a thought...

Answer 7

Tell "your friend" that it's not too late to try to fix her marriage.  Everyone feels unappreciated from time to time.  It might sound rosy to be with someone who showers his current wife with housework and material possessions, but how do you know for sure that it won't be like that in the next relationship?  Bottom line, marriage is not easy.  It's not self serving.  It's work.  You took vows.  Unless the husband is a complete bum then try to stay in it.

Answer 8

I was in that exact position and in the end I followed my heart and am so grateful I did. I was unappreciated and he was unappreciated now we both feel adored everyday! We made sure that there was nothing physical between us until we were well and truly separated and also realised that there were no guarantees that we would work out after beginning in such circumstances. We made sure we were leaving our partners because our marriages were over and not for eachother. I think our feelings for eachother were indications that the marriages were over. Anyway, I never looked back. Life is too short to feel miserable everyday. I'm now been living with my soulmate for 18mths and love him more and more everyday. We both have amicable relationships with our exes (who are happier now too as they didn't love us either) and share custody of his 2 children and my son. Your friend should take some time away from her new man and her husband to sort through her feelings rationally, but honestly it sounds like her marriage is in real trouble. If she does leave it has to be because her marriage is over not for the new guy....  

Answer 9

I always vote for going for love. If they're not getting what they need and desire at home, then they're wasting their lives. I mean, really. Would you rather spend your entire life unhappy, trying to please someone else, and never being happy with someone you love? Or put your own needs first and go for the happiness you deserve? When you're on your death bed, do you want to look back on your life and say "I wish I would have..."?

Marriage and vows are getting to the point of being outdated. It's been basically an exchange of 'property' (women) for centuries. Now we women are forging our own way in the world, and there's no need to stay at home and do the June Cleaver thing trying to please our men. Don't be afraid of the world. Go out there, grab the man you love, and don't put up with beating your head against a wall with a man who doesn't appreciate you. Why bother? To stay true to 'a vow'? Vow to put your own happiness first, and you'll live longer, be happier, and smile more.

FYI, if people trash your friend for straying (or her boyfriend) know that there's atleast one person out here who understands the complexity of the 'side' relationship. My last 5 boyfriends have been married. It's a heartbreaking existence from all angles. And there CAN be love there, regardless of what the so-called 'moral' people say. I believe you. And I think you should go for it!