In need of mom advice..thanks!?

Question

I will try to be brief. I am 31 and single and I also work. My mom has had cancer for 3 years and is in treatment. She is also very bored because she retired and doesn't have many friends and is divorced from my dad who also has cancer. I try to live a good life and try to be kind and loving but, my mom calls me ten times a day. I love and care about her so much. She call and asks where I am all the time. She almost needs to know where I am at all times, which is has been going on before the cancer. When I say I am at dinner with friends she asks to come by. I kindly say I just want to be with my friends and then she tries to make me feel bad and guilty. When I have other plans she also makes me feel guilty. If I say I had a long day at work and need to be alone she questions me and implies I am up to something which is not like me at all. She is so touchy and mean also. She says I am a bad daughter and then changes her feelings one hour later. I see her 3-4 times a week. What should I do? I am being selfish?

Answer 1

It is very difficult to be a caregiver to someone with such a serious illness, but it sounds to me that you are doing that best you can.  In order to be able to take care of those closest to us we need to refresh our batteries and spirits (alone time and time with friends of our own choosing).  If your mom is that needy, try to find people in the same situation as her own (cancer treatment) from either her doctor or hospital (they usually have support meetings, etc).  And also make the time you spend with her special - ask her to go to dinner on the evening you are available, or to a movie, or even treat her to a spa treatment (manicure, pedicure or massage).  If you can make a set visiting day (you said you see her 3-4 times a week) so she knows she can count on seeing you on Wed (or Sunday or whichever day is best to dedicate to her).  Take her to church on Sundays, or choir on Wednesdays.  Get her involved in things that she's capable to joining (you said she retired, but is she capable of some activity?).  Have her volunteer at the local library or animal shelter.  Helping others who are less fortunate than herself should help her spirits also, she could try volunteer to read at the senior center or take the newspaper or magazines to patients in the hospital.  Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 2

Your mom needs to get involved with groups like book clubs or start a hobby. Learn a language. It's normal for her to want to talk to you but she has to live life outside of you and her house. Try groups for her age or the rec center.

Answer 3

You said you see her 3-4 times a week.  During these times, enjoy them.  You don't know how much time she has left.  Explain to her that you want to spend time with everyone.  Do something special, dinner or a movie with her, once or twice a week.

Answer 4

Wow, you are dealing with a lot. Remember she is your mom and she loves you. She is dealing with pain and confronting death and is lonely. Clearly you are not a "bad daughter". You need to assert your self in a loving way, and explain to her that although you do love her, you are trying to live your life too. I know this sounds harsh but maybe you could turn your phone off once in awhile. You can not be helpful to her if you are run-down and resentful. You are an adult daughter, be one.

Plus she is a mom and their main defense is guilt. No matter what age their children. Just love her and do your best. How is your dad doing? is he alright? You have a hard road to travel, keep your friends close. You are going to need them.  

Answer 5

Charlie, sad that your mom appears to have such a co-dependent relationship with you.  But if you are really the only support she has at present than she, like most parents, will end up trying the old guilt bulls**t.  Why not speak to her doctor and see if there are any support groups in her area for people who are suffering from or also have cancer.  This could be a great social outing for her and give her a chance to see that she is not alone with this awful disease.  Also if your mother has any interest maybe she could join a group of like minded people, I don't know maybe making those scrapbooks that so many women are interested in nowadays or quilting or whatever she might enjoy.  Although your folks are divorced they are both suffering from the same disease so many they could at least befriend one and other and use each other for support and conversation.  You are a young woman and need some space.  Although it may sound mean and uncaring I think that you need to sit down with your mom and be honest about how this is affecting you also. That you love her as much as ever but still have to live your own live etc.  Here again she may very well attempt to guilt you into whatever but just don't buy into it and let her know you are not buying it.  I have many relatives in the States and one of my Aunts has cancer also, she has 8 children all adults now, and the ones that live closest to her are always getting the guilt trip laid on them.  One of them especially is always giving the guilt most often as she is single and literally lives around the corner from my Aunt.  But she also has grown a backbone and informed her mom that she cannot be there for her beck and call.    I believe that you are an only child so you cannot just ask one of your siblings to have a turn but if there are Aunts or other relatives maybe you could ask them to go over and visit your mom more often.   I really have no other suggestions but want to wish both you and your ma the best of luck.

Answer 6

No you are not being selfish. In fact your being good at this point.

misery loves company, find her a older friend, So you can get off the hook.

Answer 7

holy c**p!!! your mom sounds like she needs a hobby, Seriously even seeing her 3-4 times a week PLUS phone calls every day is way to much for you to handle, you grow up and move out for a reason - that's to have your own life, it kind of sounds like your mom is trying to control your life even though you have it under control, you need to talk to her about this right away, she shouldn't make you feel guilty for not being around her, and this could effect other relationships you have... friendships and otherwise.... I live a few blocks away from my mom and I see her maybe once a week - I love hanging out with her and we have a blast when we are together however I still have other things going on in my life and she totally understands that.  Tell her you love her but you are a grown up now and have been for years, she needs to let you do what you do and to not smother you ... she may be mad at you for a while but she will get over it, the truth hurts sometimes.  Good luck

Answer 8

Have you tried looking into getting her a HCP (Home Care Provider). A provider will come to her house and mainly be a caregiver and a companion, especially if she sick. I don't think you should stop living your life just to please your mom. Just sit down and have a talk with her about it. You can set some time aside when the two of you can get together and do something like having lunch at one of her favorite places or a movie. This doesn't have to be a every day thing, just maybe once a week. It seems to me your mom doesn't have anyone else to socialize with, so she considers you to be her best friend.  May God Strengthen You & Your Mom

Answer 9

honestly find her some friends, try and go into an activites club with her and let her loose, so to speak, there she can find people that share same interests with her.

also try and join a cancer society help group kind of thing, where she can also find other friends and people who understand to hang out with

Book clubs if she reads

this way she has someone to hang out with who is also going to take care of her, and you don't feel guilty and are being a good daughter

heck, maybe you can get her to volunteer at cancer-help events and even do some of it with her

Answer 10

you are not being selfish, your mom should be  happy to have such a caring loving daughter. its good to spend 3 -4 times a week with her. treasure those times because you dont know how long you will have her in your life. that's the thing with cancer, do something special with her to treasure your time. take her out for a movie, for dinner etc. also spend time with your other family and friends . let her know that you cant be there for her 24/7 i am sure she will understand.

do something special with her whenever you see her , also help her find a hobby that she likes so she can go there too like a woman's group, art et.

good luck  dont forget you are not selfish