In protecting kids, What are the limits for male adult friends. ?

Question

I have a three year old daughter. My husband has a collegue who typically invites himself every week end to our home. By saying "I am visiting some place near your home" on the phone. My husband says "you can stop by" on the phone with him. I have a new born at home and very busy. My husband takes care of my daughter typically on week ends. This collegue plays a lot with her. I have also cooked dinner for him (once a week when he stopped by our house) at my husbands's request for several weeks.

Few weeks back , I saw him inviting my daughter to sit on a chair with him. Not on his lap, but his legs spread wide and daughter in between. We were just chatting with friends and there few chairs. I had new born in my lap. I did not feel comfortable with what he did.

I told my husband to not him inside our house again. My husband followed it for two weeks and he allowed him in our house this week end again for dinner. Next day morning we had a fight about inviting him. He thinks I am craz

Answer 1

I understand you wanting to protect your child.  First, establish the boundary of no sitting on laps or with any adult.  Your children should have their own chairs to sit in.  Perhaps your husband may feel you went too far by banning the colleague from your home, modify your stance by sticking to the boundaries of supervised play and no sitting or or with adults.  This man may be harmless, but EVERYONE should be interested in the safety of children and mom's comfort level.

Answer 2

I would have your husband talk to this friend about it. And just to be safe (you already know this) don't let him alone with your daughter. I'd say it would have been fine if he had his legs closed. But opening them up having her inside of them like that is just wrong. Who knows maybe he doesn't realize that it's creepy. I'd definately have your hubby say something and if it doesn't stop make a HUGE issue over it. Who knows if your hubby doesn't listen you may have to leave for the sack of protecting your daughter.

Answer 3

You are not crazy. The safety of your children is paramount to your husbands friendship with this man. Whether he had good intentions or not, trust your instincts. Mothers are rarely wrong.

Answer 4

he needs to respect the fact that you have a funny feeling about this guy mothers know best and when you have that feeling its usually right

Answer 5

Depending on how old your daughter is, you may want to talk with her about 'good touching' and 'bad touching'. And if she's old enough to tell you if anything bad happens. I know you don't want it to go that far if anything bad happened, but just never leave them alone if your scared of what could happen. He might just have the best of intentions though. My dad had a really close friend, and he would read me stories when I was about 4, since he was such a close friend he was over all the time. I seen him as an uncle figure. He even saved me from getting run over from a car once. And you can even do some homework and check the s*x offenders list to see if he's on it, if he is, then talk to your husband about it. If he's not, and your husband still has him over, then just keep them supervised.  Good Luck!

Answer 6

Trust your instincts. Its your duty as a parent to protect your children. You may be way off the mark but its better to be safe than sorry.

Answer 7

Is this the only inappropriate thing he did and only one time?  Or is there other weird behavior going on?  If its a one time only thing, he probably did not see anything wrong with it.  Maybe he didn't want your child on his lap (physical contact) and instead opted her to sit in between his legs.  I wouldn't worry so much about it IF it was a one time thing.

Answer 8

I think you're asking two questions.  Is this guy being inappropriate with your daughter and do you have to entertain and feed him whenever he feels like coming over?  

From your description it's hard to say that he's being inappropriate, especially since he did what he did in front of you and a lot of other people.  But if you were creeped out by it, you should respect that.  

On the second question, no, you don't have to entertain or feed him whenever he invites himself over.  Maybe you would get farther with your husband if you just told him that you are busy and tired and you don't want him over so often.  Maybe you can compromise, once a month or something.  Would you mind if your husband went out somewhere with this guy once in a while?  

Ideally your husband will be direct with him, just telling him "no, today isn't good for a visit".  If he can't do that, and the guy shows up, then you don't have to cook for him, that's your choice.  Say I'm really beat, the kids ran me ragged today, you boys are in charge of dinner.  Then sit down.  Don't bring him drinks, don't make conversation.  Good luck.

Answer 9

Question when this friend sits does he normally keep his feet together or does he normally keep them spread.  When I sit in a chair with the room my legs are about at 11 and 1.  It hurts my knees to have a child sit in my lap for too long and if the child swings her legs when she sits then she would be kicking the person in the shins plus considering her age he may not want a wet lap if she has a potty oops if you get my point.  IF it bothers you why don't you tell the friend.   He may not even know it is a problem.  I have male family members who sit with their legs apart and my children sit there in the natural well formed.  IF he was talking with friends he may have had his feet spread and saw the girl looking for a seat with a friend and without thinking just picked her up and keep up the conversation without a second thought. Also I don't think he is inviting himself over rather it is you husband who is offering the visit when he calls.  Maybe your husband told him to call when he was in the area to see if you all were up for a visit so as to not just drop by unannounced.  When the weekend is coming have a talk with your husband and let him know in advanced whether this weekend is a family only weekend or if you are up for guests.

I have a rule of thumb if someone I know does something I don't like I go and tell them personally in a calm and polite way because that is how I would like to be treated. Hope this helps.

Answer 10

It's a no-brainer. It's your kid. If you're uncomfortable with the situation, trust your instincts. Put your foot down.