In retrospect, what would you have done differently?

Question

Natural/First parents - If you knew then what you know now about adoption, what would you have done differently pertaining to the adoption of your child?

Adoptive parents - If you could do the process over, would you have done anything differently before, during, or afterwards, based upon your current knowledge of adoption?

Adoptees - Sorry, we didn't have any control over anything at the time of our adoptions, so it's not like hindsight can make any difference for us. If you would like to contribute your thoughts, you're welcome to also.

Answer 1

Oh, my goodness, yes!  This is my soap box.  Know what adoptees need before you adopt.  Understand the realities of adoption ahead of time.  IF you are committed to giving the adoptees help for any healing that they may need because of trauma before the adoption; IF you understand that adoptees always FEEL adopted no matter how much you love them, or how much they love you;  IF you accept the adoptee's need and RIGHT to know where they came from and who they are;  IF you can accept that adoption truly is complicated and is NOT the same as having your own baby, then go ahead and adopt.  

I'm not saying that YOU won't love the adoptee with all the love you have in your heart.  I'm saying that no matter how much love there is between adoptees and adoptive parents, it is still DIFFERENT for them.  

If I had it to do all over again, I would be a lot more alert to signs that my children needed counselling for adoption issues even before the signs were knocking me over the head.

Answer 2

I'm an adoptee so obviously didn't have a choice about my actual adoption. But looking back, I wished I'd asked my parents to put me into therapy when I was a teenager. I was struggling with many issues, mostly caused by adoption, which I hid from my parents, but somehow expected them to know that I was struggling and get me help. I am in counselling now but believe I could have saved years of pain if I had started it when I was younger.

Answer 3

I was forced by my parents and adoption agency to surrender so I would have done a disappearing act and raised my son.

Answer 4

I would have gone directly through DHS.  It's great to know that our adoption will be ethical and necessary...but it's NOT great knowing that we are supporting an agency that uses all the typical adoption language that I've learned is SO wrong.  They are obviously involved in coercing mothers into giving their children up for adoption, and other shady practices.  Thankfully, the only thing we had to pay them for was the homestudy, and in comparison to those folks who pay 20-30K for their child, our piddly little fee probably made little difference.  But still...it's too late to get it back and go directly through DHS.

There are a lot of other things I'd change (like finding Y!A sooner, and learning all this long before starting the process), but most of it isn't directly related to our adoption process.  It would have been great to know all these things while I was working with troubled adoptees.  I could have done a better job back then.  I'm sure I did an ok job, for someone who knew nothing about what they were going through...but it would have been great to know that their issues weren't solely based on what happened BEFORE the adoption.

Answer 5

All I can say is I wish my parents did say " SHE LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT SHE GAVE YOU A WAY!" Which tought me that if you love some one  they will leave you!   Please all adoptive parents or those of you who are going to adopt. Never tell your kids this!  It is not good.

Have a wonderful day!

Jennifer

Adoptee

Birthplace: Sonoma, California

1-7-73

Answer 6

I simply would not have surrendered my son. No question about it.

Answer 7

I would have done nothing differently, with regard to our choice for the adoption route best for us.  But if there was one thing that we sorely underestimated, it was the impact the adoption had on our biological son.  He was 13 at the time and though he was completely supportive and involved with the entire process (even going to adoptive parenting classes with us!) when the time came and he was instant Big Brother, it was quite a shock for him.  All the planning  and discussions paled in comparasion to the Real Thing.  If I could do it again, I would have put more supports for him in place before the adoption, instead of after.

Answer 8

I am a parent who gave my daughter up for adoption.  Not because  I wanted to, but because she deserved it.  The couple I found was though a friend.  It seemed right from the beginning.  I still see my daughter, and so does all my family.  We babysit often and go on vacations together.  Instead of thinking that I gave her up because I loved her I think of it as I extended my family.  I was only 17 years old.  They were thirty and had been married since they were 21 and 22.  They were ready after many miscarriages.  I love my daughter, as does anyone who gives their child up.  I think that by having the adoption so open it makes her feel special.

Answer 9

"Natural/First parents - If you knew then what you know now about adoption, what would you have done differently pertaining to the adoption of your child?"

Well, if I'm completely honest, I would have never relinquished.

That being said, wishing I never relinquished is of no reflection of what my son's life is currently.  I value very much the person he is now, and have difficulty stating I wish I never did that because it seems to state that I wish he wasn't the person he is now.  So, saying I wish I never relinquished cannot for me represent changing what has happened.

It does reflect though how much I think is wrong with how expectant mothers and fathers are treated by society and their families into doing such an act of relinquishment.  That anyone can say to another person that they can leave their children behind and it be a wonderful thing is horrible.  That I believed such lies is horrible.

Answer 10

to the above woman who suggest an abortion would have been better than giving child for adoption....you are wrong that abortion gives closure. Abortion causes major emotional pain and i do know from experience...i too was raped and had an abortion at 19. i regret that decision made over11 years ago. every abortion anniversary, holidays, and a million other  times  i think of the child that could have been. finally after contacting other women with post abortion trauma am finally on a path to healing. As a child given up by my mother i should have realized better that my child alive in my arms or someone elses would be better than what i did. Just an FYI to those who think abortion is a cure all....it is its own disease with its own horrible consequences.

As someone who was informally adopted by my grandmother at 16...i wish i had been given the opportunity for therapy and that she would have told me more about my father...she knew him and it is hard for her to talk about her dead child but i still have this yearning to know, and with someone who can tell me but does not, makes it very weird...

Answer 11

Adoptive parents - If you could do the process over, would you have done anything differently before, during, or afterwards, based upon your current knowledge of adoption?

Before:  Not much differently... I may have been a little less naive in assuming that Foster Children are given a full evaluation... For some reason I was under the impression that children in Foster Care would have more specialized care then turned out to be the case... I have learned that the issues and needs of children in Foster Care are only driven by Red-Flags and people willing to notice them and obtain proper services....

During:  No--I do believe we were well trained and offered many supports during the process and post-placement period.

After: Hummmm, A lot! First, I would have refused to send a newly placed 5 year old to pre-school and insisted that she be given time to feel more connected before being ordered by the government to send her right to pre-school within a week of joining a new family.

I would have demanded that the school system evaluated her needs in Kindergarten rather than let them roll-me with the standard "blow-off" used with parents to avoid providing special education service....

and I would have liked to realize sooner that our society would rather have parents contian--hide and keep their emotionally damaged children from public view. Meaning I would have been far more aggressive in obtaining the proper services for an emotionally and traumatized child rather then let things boil over and become a crisis....

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Answer 12

My son would never have been adopted. I would have left home and lived with my grandmother until my college degree was completed.

Answer 13

I would have had an abortion. I should have had one. I was raped. That alone is enough reason. It's legal. I would tell any woman that it's better to have an abortion than to relinquish a child to adoption. I rather have an abortion than not parent my child.

There's nothing I can do, but hopefully help women who find themselves in crises. I lost the support of my family when I didn't have an abortion. I lost the support of my friends when I moved away to a new city to finish college. I had no one. Then I was in an accident and left physically unable to function.

Even with all that, SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME I COULD CHANGE MY MIND.

I HATE THE WHOLE D@MN THING. NOTHING BUT A LONG FRIGGING NIGHTMARE.

Now I have to live with the guilt of what I've done to my daughter. The life she is condemed to live. The cr@p she will endure all her life..... it's endless. Even if we were ever to have a reunion it will be another frigging rollercoaster ride. h**l for everyone for a lifetime.

There are some really wonderful PAP's and AP's.... it has nothing to do with you. It's just me and my h**l.

ETA:

Never got to finish college.... THEN ....

ETA:

I had an abortion because of medical reasons - no lifelong trauma. Bothered me for a few months to maybe a year, but that's it. For my generation abortion was very common. I don't know ANYONE who is having trauma.

Have relinquished and it's h**l. You haven't so you can't tell me that it's better. You don't know. I wish I had been able to keep her.

Have a son. Best thing that's happened to me.

"Lauren's" first mom

Sam's mom

Answer 14

As an adoptee first I would have tried harder at an earlier age to find out all I could regarding the circumstances surrounding my birth as I am finding it almost impossible to discover anything at all now.As a relinquishing mother I just wish that I had passed on to my daughter"s adoptive parents\,through the adoptive agency as there were no open adoptions in my country then,so as she would not seem to hate me so much now and not want to know me.I know that when she was born it was nearly impossible,given the circumstances and the time,but I just wish that she would meet with me or another member of my immediate family so I could feel better in myself.

Answer 15

As an adoptive parnet, who is not ruling out another adoption again in the future, I'd do the whole process over the same way. Why?  Because it was all legal and I wouldn't have it any other way.

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Gaia- it's never too late to go back- you can stop working with the agency if you disagree with their practices so much.

Answer 16

I am sorry as I am straying a bit from the topic, but I see all these adoptee's answers up.

I went from adoptee, and was fiven back due to I am part Puerto Rican. I was with my adoptive parent for years when this was discovered. I did not know I was even adopted at that time.

I think the best reason a person can give up a child for adoption is becuase of selfless reasons. A reason like I could not provide for you properly, I  was much to young, generally anything with trying to make a better life for the child. Decision made out of love, not selfishness. My egg doner was a drug addict, prostitute, selfish, and mentally ill. Any of the other reasons are much better than that. Some things are better left not knowing. The one thing she did tell me was who my bio father was, and he was aware of me but she did not put him on birthcert bcuz she was only 15, and he was 19.

He tried and tried to see me, but no such luck bcuz of legalities. I than went to a friends house, whose parents were doing the foster classes to get me. I was nieve than, I thought they wanted me I was unaware of the money issue. My friend held a knife to my neck, but getting removed from a home is not easy. I told my Social Worker and she let that go. I tried to commit suicide to get out of that situation. I figure why go from one miserable situation to another. I was admitted to a psych ward, and than I had to go back. I just ran away down the street to my friends house. They called the police, and I got put in orphanage. That was pure he11. I bounced around from foster home to foster home. I was pegged a behaviorally difficult teen. I decided I was done taking the crud these people were dishing out. I would get grounded from: washing my clothes, eating food, slept on a cot in the attic with a thin blanket and froze, fosters were not aloud to sit on the furniture, watched a foster parent call a mentally handicapped kid retarded, watch fosters getting beat, some would take away my depression medicine saying god would heal me, pad locked  frigerators, lived with 5+ foster kids at a time, had to stand out in the cold as punishment. The list goes on, and if I told my social worker she would take their side. So, I would be forced to do something to get out of the situation. The very last foster home I went to made me believe in people again. They offered to send me to private school, that they would pay for. They let me be me with in reason. They treated me no different than one of their own. I had anything I needed and more. They were doing this to help teens, bcuz they spent every last dime of that money on me. They understood that I needed so much emotionally. Pure and simple they just accepted me for me. They offered me to stay after I turned 18, but I had a mission to go on.

I met my bio father who had been waiting years for that day. He was great, and I cherish the last 11yrs of his life that we shared together. Reunification is not always that way, as you can see from bio egg doner.

I was 23 with one child age 3, and one due soon when social services called and said my bio(maternal)  sister had been removed from the home. I did not want her going through what I did, so I took the classes and she came to live with me. I had my second child 1 mo. later. I was 23 with a 14 yr old that I hardly knew, a 3 yr old, and an infant. I was also a single mother, but I worked 6 days a week, with 1 18 hour shift. This went on for about 3 and a half years. I than got a call that my adopt sister was removed from the home, again I did not know her at all but I took her. 26 single and 2 teens and 2 young children.

Long story short, HAPPY MOM is right that the agencies try to hide the children's issues just to get them out of their hair. The services I requested were never provided but promised! Most of these kids need a lot of emotional, and mental help.

I adopted the bio (maternal) sister, and she does look at me like her mother. The other sister was removed at 17 bcuz I would not let her date a 25 year old man. She ended up pregnant, and he ended up fleeing the seen. I also ended up with one more sister, that thanks me daily for "saving" her. I did not know these kids, it was as if they were coming into a normal foster home. Only my home was loving and accepting.

Do not become a foster parent for a paycheck. Do not treat the children differently than your own.

Expect there will be some type of special needs.

Do it because you love children, and you want to make a difference.

There will always be hidden skeletons in the closet

ALL THE KIDS IN FOSTER CARE WANT IS LOVE AND A FAMILY!!! They just may not open up to quickly, bcuz I am sure they are hurt. This is where adoptees' and fosters differ.

Adoptive parents are special people, unless they are doing the paycheck adoptions for the money not the kid. A true adoptive parent loves the adoptee just as if it were her egg, or his sperm. When an adoptee that suffered no abuse prior to adoption, is treated as an equal child, and that is provided for, there is no reason for all the upset.

Why worry about things that you can not control. The only thing it takes to be a bio is an egg, sperm, and a womb for 9 months. What conection is really there. I dispise my materal egg doner because she is of all selfish. If I had met my last foster family sooner, and they had adopted me I would never have reunified because they proved to be my parents.

I would do nothing different because I saved 3 of my siblings from some bad experiences. Two I raised to get their lives together and change the cycle. I did it out of love, the only reason to do it.

The biggest reason I would not change anything is bcuz there is a lot of flaw with the system, and I am working on changing that. These kids need the proper support, treatment, and help. The families need to be screened much better, and checked more regularly!!!!!!!

Do it for love only; whether that is giving the baby, or taking on the baby/child/teen.  Sry about the length, no one will probably read it. O

Answer 17

I would not have changed our daughter's name.  I've learned that "fitting in" and not having an ethnic sounding name that is difficult to pronounce is not a good enough reason for the identity loss that comes with a name change.

Answer 18

As a natural mom....I'm with red & sassy.  I wanted an abortion when I first found out I was pregnant with her.  I only chose adoption because I was too far along for my own moral code to obtain an abortion by the time I had access.  Might make me look absolutely terrible, but I love her, and miss her and have to deal with the decision I made every time I look at her big sister. How do you explain to children that you just were not ready for it again?  How do you explain to anyone that you just did not feel emotionally ready or stable to handle a second child?  How do you explain to your children that you basically had to choose one over the other?  I would have aborted, if given the opportunity.  End of story.  At least there would have been closure.  Not this endless wondering and endless questions I can never answer to anyone's satisfaction.

Answer 19

Oh, my goodness, yes! This is my soap box. Know what adoptees need before you adopt. Understand the realities of adoption ahead of time. IF you are committed to giving the adoptees help for any healing that they may need because of trauma before the adoption; IF you understand that adoptees always FEEL adopted no matter how much you love them, or how much they love you; IF you accept the adoptee's need and RIGHT to know where they came from and who they are; IF you can accept that adoption truly is complicated and is NOT the same as having your own baby, then go ahead and adopt.

I'm not saying that YOU won't love the adoptee with all the love you have in your heart. I'm saying that no matter how much love there is between adoptees and adoptive parents, it is still DIFFERENT for them.

If I had it to do all over again, I would be a lot more alert to signs that my children needed counselling for adoption issues even before the signs were knocking me over the head.

Answer 20

As an adoptee I agree with the counseling issues.  It took me til my 30's to realize why I feel like no one really loves me 100%, even though they do....and it's all in my head, seperation anxiety...being abandonned at 2......adopted  at 3...messes with your self acceptance.  I really needed counselling...feeling like anyone could leave at anytime..leave me to find my way out emotionally.....I get it now, my bio mom had it rough, couldn't deal, but I have a babe the same age I was when she took this path to leave me with a stranger....I look at my babe and think there is no freekin way I'd ever leave you anywhere...no matter what....

long story, sorry...I only wish she had left behind a photo...my nationality...a love wish goodbye...it would have made sense then............but nothing.....it's not right.     blessings to you

Answer 21

I would have taken a picture of my daughter's natural father while I had the chance. He came to the hospital when she was born. He held her. Then he left.

At the time I thought taking a picture would be in bad taste. But now, not knowing much about him and no picture I have very little about him to share with my daughter. We have an open adoption with her nmom so hopefully someday she can come up with more information about him.