In tears again I hate being in the middle, advice please?

Question

About a month ago my in laws bought my 15 year old a 4 wheeler, they did not ask my husband and myself. Their son my first husband passed away in an accident and I have tried to maintain the relationship with his parents for the benifit of my 3 kids. I am now remarried and my father in law from my first marriage does what he wants when it comes to the kids ( like buying the 4 wheeler with out asking my current husband and myself). Today my son called his grandpa with out my knowledge and of course he brought the four wheeler up and was almost at our home before I knew it was coming, he is now out with his friends on it. The last thing that was said to me was that we could make sure it was picked up tonight and was where it would not get wet (by my father in law). We do not have the place to put it as we live in town and both sheds are full. Now my husband is ticked off and is not speaking to me at the moment, so here I am in the middle again, he is refusing to pick the 4 wheeler up cause we did not want him to have it in the first place. I dont want to upset the in laws but I dont think I have been put in a very good position. I feel I should listen to my husband, but I cant seem to get the backbone to stand up to my in laws, and put even more strain on the relationship. Today I also found out when my son turns 16 in a week they are going to sign it over to him and they expect me to put it under our insurance policy. Like most families with 4 teens we are having a hard enough time making ends meet and now this!!! I dont want my son to get a job during the school year as he already struggles in school and needs to focus on his education, so the insurance will fall into our responsiblity. Any advice how to handle this and not hurt any one. I am sure once my hubby calms down he will talk about the situation. But like I said once again I am in the middle. Help?

Answer 1

The person getting hurt here is you.  Your toes must be about to drop off from all the tiptoeing around everyone elses feelings.  Your former in-laws don't seem to care how much they stomp on your feelings and undermine your authority with your son.  Their behavior is unacceptable and your husband is correct but you have to make the choice to change the way you relate to your dead husband's family.  Get over your guilt,  you have no reason to have any, and stop being their doormat.  It is a lousy example to set for their grandson, how will he respect you or any other woman (future wife?) if this is what he thinks is normal.

There is no way to deal with this but directly and firmly.  You and your husband must make a united front.  It is your belief and your policy in your family that a four wheeler is not an appropriate gift for them to give to any of your children.  You will not be storing it on your property, you will not be paying the insurance on it or buying fuel for it.  If it shows up on your property without your express permission you will confiscate the keys and not return them.  Ask them to make a contribution to your children's, all of them, college fund in an amount equal to the value of the machine if they are determined to give such a large gift.  Have this talk with your children before you talk to your former in-laws so everybody understands there will be no room for manipulating or sneaking around the rules.  This will require some of the toughest love you will ever need to use but you have your son's best interest at heart and you are rightly concerned for his safety.

Answer 2

Until you decide you have had enough of being in the "middle" you will stay there. Send back the 4 wheeler. Tell your in laws that they must have your permission when it comes to your children. You are the parent, not the in laws. They are very overbearing and disrespectful people. Your children will turn out just like them. Also, this will ruin your marriage if the both of you do not stand united. Quit being afraid of them. Stop feeling guilty because their son died. Good Luck :-)

Answer 3

Hi tess,

I've read some of the suggestions and it's all very fine to say stand up to your in laws but if you have not got an assertive personality that is quiet difficult to do. Maybe if you spoke to your father in law and say you just cannot afford the insurance  just  now, and suggest maybe he hold on to it until your son is a little older and responsible and your more financially secure. Remind them of the guilt every one will feel if you son was killed on the thing or was responsible for the loss of someone Else's life........You'll just have to tell you boy neither you or he is ready for this Right now. Your hubby will cool down. It's difficult for him not be be the master of the family. It's a difficult situation. Just Explain it's your in laws not you that in undermining him. You'll do the right thing !Good Luck

Answer 4

Tell your former FIL that you have no room at your

place for the 4-wheeler and no money to pay insurance on it. Tell your

son he does not have your permission to own a 4-wheeler.

You cannot solve anything without being assertive. Somebody always gets hurt. That's life. Your FIL was wrong to buy such a gift

for your 15 year old son without consulting you. Since your current husband is not related to the grandpa of your kids, it is up to you to settle this situation. Talk to your FIL in a respectful but firm manner.

You are in the middle because this is your problem. Make up your mind and stick to your decision. If you don't this type of thing will

happen over and over again.

Answer 5

your husband seems angry but hasnt said anything yet, then maybe you should talk with him about how you feel and not make it seem like you arent aware of how the inlaws are being controlling. the maybe you all should invite them over to discuss your concerns with then and together share with them who you feel and lay down your ground rules. also with the kids you consult with you all before the except any futher gifts. tell inlaws that things not consulted with you all will be returned.and let them know that you value them in their lives but controlling the whol situation is causing a problem in your household.

Answer 6

I don't know what will work with you. It is just a suggestion. Try telling in laws that you are tight on budget and will not be able to pay the insurance. Also you do not have the parking space. Will it be possible that they keep the vehicle at their place and your son gets to drive it when he is with them.  

Answer 7

Friend, you have got to stand up to the in-laws!  That's all there is to it.  

You have to firm with them.  You don't have to be hateful, but let them know in no uncertain terms that the 4-wheeler will be sold should they sign it over to your son.  Tell them you cannot afford to pay the insurance on it, have no place to keep it, and did not give them your approval for your son to have it.  Tell them you appreciate the gesture, but that the timing is off.

You may also need to have a good talk with your son, who may be playing you against his grandparents (kids are never beyond doing that, you know).  He might need more supervision.  You may need to check his homework before he goes off on this 4-wheeler or out with friends.  You may need to set down some rules and guidelines for him to follow.

Talk to your current husband, too and tell him you really could use some help in standing up to the in-laws.  Maybe he could tell you what to say or the two of you could figure things out together.