In the middle of a bad family situation

Question

My brother in law is my best friend. Granted, I got to know him through my wife...but there is a friendship there beyond being related. In fact, my wife has said she is jealous of my relationship with him because they don't have that much in common. I see him at church and maybe a couple of Saturdays a month doing whatever stuff the other might need help with.

Well, he is getting married soon. He and his fiance decided to have a very small wedding...only parents and siblings invited...no grandparents or extended family. While I don't agree with this...it isn't my wedding and not my place to say anything. It is what they decided.

My wife has diffent feelings and gets angry every time I mention his name. She was out of town recently and I had dinner with him and his fiance. My wife told me she was angry I did that and I shouldn't do anything with them because of how they are being about the wedding. Over dinner we talked about doing a canoe trip and cookout one Saturday. I briefly mentioned this to my wife and she got even more mad.

I like doing stuff with my brother in law and his fiance. However, making my wife mad isn't fun at all.

Should I stop talking to my brother in law because of what they want to do with their wedding? This would make my wife happy but I don't think it is any of our business what they are doing with it. How can I share my opinion to my wife without sleeping on the couch?

Answer 1

You shouldn't let your wife's problem with your brother-in-law prevent you from keeping in touch with him.  Your wife is in the wrong and being petty about the whole thing.  He feelings have been hurt because she feels left out by not being invited to the wedding...let her mope around and throw herself a pity party, but don't join her.

Tell your wife how you feel about the wedding and about her ridiculous idea that you shouldn't talk to or hang out with the people you've been haing out with for a while.  Tell her she is the one with the problem and she can either work it out, accept things the way they are and be happy for the engaged couple, or wallow in self-pity by herslef.  You are a man and can decide on your own how you treat people.

Answer 2

Before running your marriage car off into the ditch, have a heart to heart with your wife.  Let her lay out her anger at him (and at you).  Ask about what he did that irritated her when they were growing up.  My bet is that there are hard feelings and anger under the surface.  It may take several tries and maybe even the help of a counselor.  She must know there are guy things and guy-girl things as well as brother sister things.  Hope you get it sorted out.  It's a toughie.

Answer 3

Stand your ground. Sleeping on the couch is not the end of the world. What they do on their wedding day is their business. Let it be known that it is and you are going to keep in touch with him anyway. She will get it sooner or later if you keep being open with her about it. It will take a few times on the couch but, eventually she will give up. After all it is her brother, not some other women.

Answer 4

I would just explain to her that maybe they don't want a big huge wedding and that it shouldn't matter how there wedding is it is there chioce to do with it what they want. Flip the situation around a bit and tell her thay maybe they didn't like something about her wedding and how would she feel if they quite talking to her cause they didn't like something about it. I think that a wedding day is more or less to make the bride happy. SHe should just be thankful that he is getting married and is trying to start his own family. I don't think that cutting your family off because of a chioce they made about there wedding is not a resonable excuse, and say just that. Tell her that just because she choices not to want to spend time with them doesn't mean that you have to. I would just say ok honey you have the right to feel the way you want and although you dont agree with it either( just to let her know you are on her side) you dont think that it takes derastic messures inorder to get the piont across. Plus in all honesty it is not her wedding. Tell her that you personally are not going to choose to cut them out and you just wont discuse it with her anymore. She will probably be mad but at the same time she will realize after awhile how stupid it is to be that mad about that when she is standing alone on the situation. Might casue a couple of nights on the couch but she will get lonely and want to quite being stubborn after a while..... Good luck and hope the couch is comfortable>> jk

Answer 5

Wow this sounds like my little thing i had my wife hated my best friend and his wife. But they way i did it you have to tell her you know its there special day as well but they are allowed to invite who they want.Tell her she has to be a good sister and allow him to have his day even though she dosn't like it.  Also let her know you enjoy hanging out with him it allows you your little man time. (trust me it's nice to hang out with a guy friend every once in a while) but also tell her she doesn't have to even talk to him if she doesn't want to. Be prepared to sleep on the sofa for a while i slept on mine for 1 week then she said fine but i don't want to talk to him at all.