In this day and age how can a natural mother be TRICKED into making an adoption plan for their child if...?

Question

...it they REALLY don't want to?

Answer 1

If it is a teenager who is choosing to give up her child, there are so many dynamics that can be involved.

I don't think many parents of pregnant teens realize it would be a very traumatic thing for their daughter to give up her baby imediately after giving birth. There are insticts that kick in and immediate love, loss, hormone levels rising and falling like a rollercoaster.

It's one thing to plan and discuss it during a crisis pregnancy, it's another to actually go through with giving a real baby up.

Think how most teens would react - they would use the term "tricked" because no one would have told them exactly how it was going to make them feel.

I have a stable and loving marriage and we had 4 children. I cannot imagine going through labor with my 1st, let alone any of them, and being able to part with her. I could hardly stand having anyone but my husband hold her. This protective and loving instinct was immediately there as soon as she was born.

There's my 2 cents - hope that helps.

Answer 2

I'm not sure that "tricked" is as accurate a word as "pressured."   If a teenage expectant mother has very strong, controlling parents who wish her to give up the baby, it is likely they could intimidate her into making that decision.

My three kids were adopted from China, and I have been reading recently that one of the biggest reasons for infant abandonment in China is the husband's mother.  If a baby girl or a handicapped child is born, the mother-in-law will put pressure on the family to give the baby up, in the hope that the next child will be a son, and healthy.  The problem of the one-child law still exists in China.  Hopefully this will change over the next generation!  I am so grateful and happy to have my three daughters, but I wish for their sakes that the situation in their homeland was different, and that the need for adoption didn't exist there.

Answer 3

yep. but i wouldn't say "tricked" as much as coerced. here's some examples:

-the hormones are talking. you only THINK you want to parent.

-OUR adoption counselors are skilled in birthmother issues and will help you through your tough decision. (PS. A-COUNSELORS ARE PAID BASED ON PLACEMENTS! big-time corercion.)

-your parents/clergy/school counselors, et al, only want the best for you.

-you'll be sad for a while, but you will get over it and move on.

-the aparents have tried to have a baby for years and really want nothing more than to love your baby.

-being matched with aparents before birth is BETTER for you and the baby.  this way you can get to know the parents and will feel more comfortable with the decision. (ps. pre-birth matching can be very coercive.)

-the aparents spent a lot of money, and you might have to pay it back to them if you change your mind. (THIS IS NOT TRUE, BTW!)

-this is a way to correct a mistake.

-you have to think about your baby.  if you LOVE him/her, then the BEST thing you can do is ensure that they have a good life with two loving parents.

-you can have an open adoption.

-you can have other children, when you're older.

-the father will  not be there for you and you will be a single mother.

-you will not finish school.

-children of single mothers are more likely to grow up poor and get into trouble with the law.

-there are so many good people who can't have children.

-babies are expensive. there is NO way you can afford to take care of a child.

-you are giving up your own childhood.  this is your time to have fun.

-promises for help by family and friends are usually not kept. many will say they'll help then walk away from you.

i can go on...

Answer 4

Let us not believe we are so naive so as to be immune to the tricks of advertisers.

And if we can be lulled into wanting and buying things we do not need, and things we should not want, is it really so hard to imagine that people cannot be manipulated and cajoled into doing something against their interests?

It's called peer pressure.  It's called deference to authority.  It's called guilt.  So many mechanisms are available to trick people into all kinds of things.  

If you know just a little something about human psychology, it's not hard at all.

ETA:  Maybe you didn't read my answer?  I didn't say anything about intelligence.  Really, really smart people can be tricked into really, really dumb things.  It is the nature of advertising, it is the nature of Catholic and Jewish mothers worldwide, it is the nature of poker players.  Why do people still fall for the Nigerian banking scam?  Because people can be fooled.

Just as giving birth doesn't make one less intelligent...  We're not any smarter today than we were forty years ago.  If people could be tricked in the BSE, they can be tricked now.

What's so hard to understand?

ETA2:  I, for one, am not claiming that APs tricked anyone.  Anyone who thinks I'm saying that needs to reread my responses to questions.

Answer 5

There are multiple ways but it kind of all depends on the natural mother herself. If she is young, older, poor etc; A young woman may be told that it is going to be too hard for her to raise a child and that adoption would be the easy way out. She could be pursuaded and tricked or guilted by PAP. The one thing I think that makes the difference though is that in this day and age there is so much information available to anyone thinking about placing their baby for adoption so with any hope that person who might have been tricked our guilted could be counselled and realize again that they truly don't want to do it.

Answer 6

In this time, it would be an extremely rare and isolated case for a birthmother to be "tricked" into adoption.  Possible, yes, of course.  But if the birth parent can READ, it is near impossible.  Attached is a sample Mother's Affidavit of Relinquishment.  You decide.  My expereince in working with over 1000 birthmothers over the last 20 years, is that they fully understand what they are doing.  But then sometimes relatives or strangers (like some people on this board) make them feel guilty for their choice. Then they may feel that the only way t'o "justify" this decision to others is to alledge they were tricked.  Others, because they are hurting, think of how to stop the pain, and undo what they have done. Realizing they cannot, they may rationalize that they must not have known what they were doing.  Haven't we all felt this way about something?  Please keep in mind, that in the majority of cases, the woman seeks out the adoption agency.   She decides which agency to call.  She makes the phone call.  She make the appointment to talk with the agency.  She asks for an information packet to be sent to her.  She chooses an open or closed adoption.  She chooses the adoptive family.  She waits to sign the papers until the specified legal time period in her state.  She signs the paperwork with "Permanent"  "Final" and 'Irrevocable" written all over it.  Tricked?  Birthmothers know what they are doing.  THAT is hard for some to accept.  But it is not up to others to question this decision.  If she chose abortion, would we spend the rest of our lives making her feel guilty?  How cruel.  Compassion! Support her and move on.  People can be supportive and help her feel good about her decision, or they can break her down and make her feel guilty about her decision.

Answer 7

From your question, I'd guess you've never been pregnant or given birth.

A woman in a vulnerable condition with surges of intense hormonal changes can be led to making decisions not in her own or her baby's best interest.  Sometimes it is very difficult to think straight while your body is growing another person within it. This is why NO MOTHER should be allowed to sign away her rights before she has a chance to hold, meet and nurture her baby. There needs to be longer periods for post natal bonding.

Answer 8

I agree with others that it's not so much tricked as coerced. Both still happen, but I think "coerced" is much more prevalent. Mothers considering relinquishing are emotional, often conflicted, scared and nervous about providing for their child everything that they think they need. They see advertisements or talk to people who tell them that relinquishment is the ultimate heroic act. Coercion can come in many forms - from the APs directly paying for their healthcare/living expenses ("I owe them") to people pressuring them to "give a gift to an infertile couple." I don't think it has anything to do with their intelligence, and there is a difference between telling them what the process of an adoption is and educating them about ALL of their options - including services and assistance they would qualify for, and the aftermath of relinquishment. Many do have that information, and still choose to relinquish, and stand by their decision.  But way, way, way too many DON'T ever get told the complete truth. I went to an orientation at an agency (not the agency we are working with) where they discussed different legal issues surrounding TPR and the putative father's registry and they TOLD us that they don't "emphasize" these legal issues to the mothers. (read: we keep this information from them at all costs)

And then there are circumstances where the agency/lawyer does trick them - outright lie to them. Still happens.

Answer 9

I think if a natural mother does her research on adoption than she can't be "tricked".  The word "tricked" implies some dishonesty on the part of either the adoptive parents and/or the adoption agency or social worker involved.  One avoids being "tricked" by simply being informed and educated.  

Now the guilt trips and the family pressure could certainly cause a natural mother to feel "pressured" into adopting.  That's a different scenario altogether.  

Research, research, research!

ETA: Wynner is right about international adoptions sometimes being a matter of trickery and deliberate deception.  My bad there.  

My response to the question was geared more toward infant adoptions/relinquishments.  If a natural mom educates herself on the process and her legal options, she's less likely to be tricked by someone deliberately withholding information or giving disinformation.

Answer 10

Our daughter's nmom was older then we were when dd was born. She had two other children and the nfather was a married man who went back to his wife.

We did not use an agency and she had her own attorney.....she was not coerced in any way and made the decision to allow us to adopt in the last few weeks of pregnancy.

It is unrealistic to equate adoptions forty years ago to today's adoptions. Young woman have access to countless sources of information. This argument is thinly veiled to insult adoptive parents just the other tripe thrown around here.

I was tricked into thinking dd's nmom cared about her then she told us "I have to move on with my life." this when we were fighting to keep dd from being sent to live with nfather a convicted rapist and registered s*x offender. She then jumped a plane and got married to a foreign national.

Answer 11

In 2005 Allison Quets was driven by her then boyfriend who also happened to be related to her children's adoptive parents and held in a lawyers office for 11 hours with no meals or rest while several people attempted to force her to sign relinquishment papers.

It happens.  Even today.

ETA: So because Gaia has an opinion that is different than yours, she is "weak"?

I don't think so.

Gaia seems to have a lot of compassion for adopted people and she doesn't view them as property or things that owe her gratitude.

I think she would make an excellent adoptive parent.

Answer 12

I don't know about tricked.... maybe missinformed about the situation...like if DHS has terminated the rights of a parent and the parent doesn't understand the determination of the childs "adoptability"(....i hate that they use that word).

Some parents think they still have rights and that it's worked into the adoption papers that they can stay in contact with a child when it is actually up to the adopting parents how much involvement the bio parent can have.

Answer 13

It happens a good bit in international adoption. Illiterate women sign papers that they think provide for temporary care for their children. When they go back to get their children, they find out they were adopted by people living in the US, France, Spain, etc.

A site that is pro adoption, but VERY concerned with ethics is:

http://www.ethicanet.org/newslist.php?pa...

I don't know what news stories are up there now, but in the past I've seen cases from various countries with documentation, that these things do happen.

I adopted internationally myself.  I believe there are lots of kids in desperate need of homes, but there are also people out there who see an opportunity to make money off children and their mothers.  Prospective adoptive parents have to be careful and do their own research as far as possible. It would be nice to just accept what the agency says, but we're the ones who have to answer to our children one day.

Answer 14

As an adoptive parent of a child from Guatemala I'm sure you know the illiteracy rate in Guatemala is very high. How does a woman sign her rights away on a piece of paper if she can't read?

Some woman believe that they are sending their children overseas for a better education, yet have no idea it severs their rights and relationship "legally."

MANY women are promised OPEN ADOPTIONS by adoption agencies who sell open adoption "contracts" as something upholdable by a court of law when its NOT. That is TRICKING the mother into thinking she's getting a lot more than she potentially could.

I don't want to be tricked in life for many things, but it doesn't mean I won't. Some people, especially those who've invested money into marketing and terminology that encourages surrendering, are really good at "tricking" mothers because it makes them thousands per placement.

If you don't want to believe it. Fine, thats your problem. I know its true.

Leave Gaia alone.

Answer 15

Its pretty easy. Some countries get tricked into starting wars looking for imaginary weapons of mass destruction.

Answer 16

Does it matter how one "defines" unethical behaviours on the part of agencies?  Trickery, coercion, pressure --  no matter what method it is, IF one of these methods is used in order to get a young woman to relinquish, it is unethical.  

I noticed that the poster who brought up the Alison Quets case received a few thumbs down.  Why?  She's simply relaying an incident that occurred.  I don't like the incident either, but I'm not going to thumb down the poster for making such an ugly incident public on the board.

I will also not judge a young woman who falls for unethical tactics.  As humans, we are ALL susceptible.  I am under no delusion that no matter how savvy I may think I can be, that I am an human, and therefore capable of falling for something foolish.  Who am I to question or judge someone else doing such?  The most important thing I can do is to support such a person.

BTW, I don't think that most of the time the AP's are any wiser than the mother if unethical tactics are being used.  I put the blame on the agency/attorney that uses unethical methods.  I thinks AP's, being human, can fall for these tactics as well, considering their own state of mind.  Some may have no idea  whatsoever that it's occurred.  I can't say for each and every situation.  I WILL say, however, that unethical tactics occur and human beings are susceptible.  It's just part of how the human condition is.  

I live in a part of California where the housing  market is considered one of the worst markets in the nation right now.  Many people -- intelligent, educated people -- are losing their homes in this market because they opted for loan options that weren't in their best interest considering the market forecast at the time they purchased.  However, many lenders didn't tell the whole story to these buyers, some of whom should have never truly qualified for the homes they ended up purchasing.  But, the lender's manipulating of the numbers on paper put some of these folks in a qualifying category.

I think people need to cut other human beings a break and realize that no one is immune to falling for a line, so to speak.  This is particularly the case when someone is in a vulnerable position, such as finding oneself with unplanned pregnancy and lacking all of the resources one would like.

ETA:

There ya have it folks.  Thumbs down for suggesting people not be too quick to judge.  This place is a riot and a half.

Answer 17

i think a lot of it is based on guilt.  if the ap's pay for her living / medical expenses, etc.

also, lately i've seen too much pre-birth matching.

and then, too, i see ladies maybe changing their minds and people are telling them, "oh, you'll get over it!"  or "they're depending on your gift of your child!  don't disappoint them."

guilt, guilt, guilt.

"you could never give your baby what these adopters could!"

Answer 18

unfortunately i arrived too late for this question.  i can't add anything more than Roverpavlova, Wholelottacats, Wynner, and Laurie.  And something i thought would never happen, i agree with adoptionissadnsick.  you have some really good answers here.  

I'd like to think we are all adults here and we can voice a difference in opinion without personal attacks.  To say that Gaia is weak, seeking acceptance, and afraid to go against popular vote is untrue and childish on your part.  Gaia is intelligent, insightful and compassionate.  She listens and learns from adoptees.  Now why would anyone do that?  Maybe because she is going to be an awesome Mom raising an adoptee.  There's a thought.  Instead of getting caught up in your emotions as how people are viewing you as an aparent maybe you should try seeing things from your son's point of view as an adoptee.

Answer 19

Here is something every woman who has been pregnant, and gives birth to a child knows--when you are in this 'condition' you are more vulnerable than you have EVER been in your life.  It's what Tish called 'hormones'.  

Combine that with VERY sophisticated negotiating techniques from adoption 'professionals'.  As you've certainly noticed here, lots of people have very positive feelings about adoption--the work of decades of 'adoption is wonderful' propaganda.

Here are a couple sites to look at:

http://www.motherhelp.info/finding_babie...

http://www.originscanada.org/adoption_co...

http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?page...

As for your son's mother, I'm sure financial security for her other children was the primary motivator to relinquish.   If she had the financial opportunities you do, she would probably not have given her child up for adoption.  Poverty  in third world countries doesn't give people opportunities and hope that we take for granted in the U.S.

Answer 20

Does sand taste good when you stick your head in it?

Answer 21

Parents can influence a girl a lot at this point - so they could trick the girl into (thinking it was for her own good). Also boyfriends have great influence so if he doesn't want the child he could influence her to do it even if she didnt really want to.

Don't forget how young most of these girls are who do adopt out a child.