In what ways are adoption and pregnancy comparable?

Question

And in what ways are they NOT comparable?

More specifically, from people who are directly affected by adoption, when people compare adoption and pregnancy, are there any specific "parts" that offend you?

I ask this because it can be hard to find that line. My best friend (who has one natural child, and is pregnant with her second) still insists that my adoption plan is similar to her pregnancy. For instance, when we think we might have a match and it falls through, she compares it to miscarriage. I have tried explaining that the two aren't comparable, and I've tried explaining why, but she doesn't seem to understand. I don't have much to draw from except that I've heard it's offensive, and I "get" why...I just don't know how to put it to words.

Also, are there any ways that pregnancy and adoption are comparable, that are NOT offensive?

Answer 1

I was adopted and now have 2 of my own biological children with #3 due in 8 weeks. I do not feel that my Mum had a similar experience going through the adoption process as i did and do being pregnant. For starters, when i was pregnant with my first child my Mum experienced that with me for the first time. She had never seen a baby be born before and had no experiences to pass down to me. As an adopted baby, when i gave birth to my first child, that was the first blood relative i had ever seen or met before in my entire life time. I was 23 years old. It was very emotional to look at her and finally see someone who may resemble me physically. I acknowledge that having your own biological kids you still have to get to know them etc but there is already a sense of familiarity. I carried my kids inside me for 9 months, i could sense that my first child was very active, i knew her sleep patterns as she would kick me all night long! She knew the sound of my voice...i found that it took me til i was 19 years old to understand that being genetically related was not everything. That my Mum was my Mum because she had been there for all the ups and downs in my life and knew my life journey. She had laughed with me and cried with me through my childhood heartbreaks etc......but it took all that time for me to understand that that is what makes us family. I feel very blessed for this lesson, as i do not take for granted that my biological kids are my kids, i make sure that i share their lives with them and play a big part in their every day life, because at the end of the day.....that is what counts. Being available for your kids......I am not regretful it took me so long to figure that out with my own Mum.....im sure she would have a different opinion though because i was a real **** head to her and my Dad for a long time.....because i was angry and upset and felt like i didnt belong anywhere.....but in the end we have a happy ending......I think in your case, you may not be able to change your friends opinion. She has this opinion because she has not experienced anything different. If she can liken adoption to pregnancy perhaps the light side of that is that she would view the adopted baby in the same way a biological baby. And realistically, that is easier said than done in many circumstances. Good luck!

Answer 2

Gaia, my friends and family have also said the same things about my adoption being the same as their pregnancies. I believe they are showing their support. They want us to know that they see us as the same. I may disagree on principal, but I am touched at the intent.

I believe they are only comparable on an emotional level: excitement, fear, joy, anticipation, anxiety, uncertainty and of course blinding, overhwhelming love.

Everything else about the 2 are so very different. Pregnancy is a physical act while adoption is a bureaucratic process. The goal maybe the same (to be a parent of a child), but the roads getting there are very different.

The only things that really offend me are when people ignorantly claim that I got a baby the easy way. There is nothing easy about adoption, perhaps physically, but certainly not emotionally. Or, that my joy on adopting my daughter pales in comparison to giving birth. How would they know?

They are both hard and wonderful, but very different. I think people get offended when they think that people are claiming that "different" must mean less than.

Answer 3

Like the difference between p**n and art.... you know it when you see it, but it's hard to describe.

Personally, anything that promotes either way as better is offensive.

Being adopted doesn't make a child more loved because they were 'chosen', being born doesn't make a child more loved because they're blood.

I haven't gone through the adoption process myself, but I can see how it would be similar.

You're both waiting, and wanting a child.

I'm sorry I'm not much help.

Trouble is, they are so similar, yet so different.

Answer 4

I can think of 100 similarities and 100 differences.

But when it comes to miscarriage It think it's so different. Sure it ends n no baby, but with a miscarriage, a life ended, with a change of heart, there is hope that the child will grow to be happy and healthy. Also there is a not knowing what happened the the child and if he/she's okay. I guess there's just no closure. Miscarriage is more like getting fired from a secure job, with no reason. An adoption falling through is more like just not getting the job, knowing that someone else did. Sometime it can make you sad even though it was for the best.

I remember when my son was born, he was so sick. At 2 weeks old he came home and I was scared a c**p. I knew that I didnt have then "new mommy hormones", like I did with my daughter. Thank God I did have mommy instincts.

Proudmama, While I understand your sensitivity, I think pregnancy is much more involved than adoption, at least it was for me. Pregnancy is life threatening, adoption is emotionaly threatening. Pregnancy leaves physical scars. I almost died with my daughter, it gave me a whole new respect for women how chose to continue pregnancy, even when they know they will not keep the child.

Answer 5

They are both very different but yet they both result in adding a new member to your family. To me that is probably the only real similarity.

It reminds me of when a couple will say, we are pregnant...EXCUSE ME... SHE is pregnant.."we" are expecting a baby. Until the man has to deal with the hormones, weight gain and hemorrhoids, "We" are not pregnant!

I have friends that are adopting and they actually said, "we are pregnant" when they were selected by an original Mom. No, they are  not...

I think your friend that compares a miscarriage to a failed adoption may have good intentions, but they are two very different things.

Answer 6

ADOPTION IS NOT THE EASY WAY OUT!

It hurts to hear that. We are currently in our 7th month of adoption. We didn't get to pick whether it's a boy or a girl, one or two. My husband and I were told we couldn't have our own children. We're both teachers and it killed us to have to teach others and not have our own. Then a boy in my husbands class told him he was up for adoption.

We went through the classes (30+ hours--don't compare this to any pregnancy class....when you're told not to stack cribs on each other, you get pissed), had our home inspected from the health and fire depts., had a homestudy (takes about 6 hrs.) where they ask you personal questions--basically judging whether or not your a good parent--pregnancy doesn't, we have many cousins who are drug addicts who are pregnant at this time. We went through the selection staffing--here we brought this kid to the table and now someone else might walk away with him--if we hadn't he'd still be sitting at the foster home....oh and they told us that we need to consider his 11 year old brother.....we weren't able to choose. Now we're waiting for them to complete their psych. evaluations--I don't even want the evaluations, I want the boys.

After many people asking "are you sure?" we said yes without reallly thinking about it....how could you say no?

To answer the question......adoption and pregnancy can be comparable--the time you wait=the pregnancy--I have a shirt that says "Pregnant on Paper, Adopting, bump not required. But with pregnancy you can see it, feel it, know it's there, updated often on the status--adoption you don't. You don't get to pick the s*x of the child--if we didn't know the little boy, we would have just waited to be matched with kids....old, young, boy, girl.---same as pregnancy.  My children may never call me "mom"--they know someone else as mom and dad. Different with pregnancy--they only know you.

Sorry to rant....but it's a sensitive subject with me, there are similarities and there are differences, but above all---ADOPTION IS NOT THE EASY WAY OUT.....we could easily not have kids and take the summers to travel around the world, but we love kids, and these boys we are taking into our home WANTS a family.....tell them it's the easy way out, and I can guarantee you they will make you think differently.

Answer 7

They are not comparable in the least.

This is the fundemental myth in adoption (that the two can be compared or that one is no different from the other)

The 'grew in my heart, not under it' drivel makes me want to spew.  It does nothing to make the child feel any more wanted or any less 'abandoned' and only serves the APs - but hey, what's new

Answer 8

I found that it is comparable in many ways that are not particularly insulting...

You both wait for the child to come.

You both wait to get to know the child.

You both have no gauruntee that the child will be physically and emotionally healthy.

You both have the excitement of adding to your family a new little life.

You both have the same dreams and expectations for the child to have a healthy and happy life.

You both worry about parenting the best you can for the child.

The one thing that I found insulting was...you DO NOT get the same support system...for some reason extended family and friends do not always recognize the child with the same happy excitement as a newborn birth child.

and this is especially true when you are fostering with a view to adopt.

Answer 9

Well, I've gone through a pregnancy and I'm also an adoptive parent.  I think there are a few basic comparasions: it's a sense of anticipation, an understanding that a series of events, or a process, must occur before the child arrives, understanding that nothing about a child, whether from birth or adoption, is guaranteed.

But for me, it really doesn't go much further than that  While we were waiting for the adoption process to move along, we didn't feel "pregnant", we didn't have an "adoption shower."

I certainly would never equate an adoption plan falling through like a miscarriage!  Usually if an adoption plan falls through (unless it WAS a miscarriage) it is because the family decided to parent, not that a tragedy occurred.  I just can't relate the grief from a miscarriage to having an adoption plan fall through.

So, to answer your question, drawing the comparasion to be a sense of anticipation and excitement to add another member to the family is fine, in my book. But I don't take it further than that.

Answer 10

Comparable? Hmmm........

Pregnancy means having to go through the hormones, discomforts, & eventually the labor.

Adoption is the easy way out. But not easy also.

I'll try to explain that better, Adoption you don't have to do the above but you do have to run through hoops etc to get a child which can be harder than just having one of your own.

If your unable to have your own I love the fact that adoption is an option. They may not be your natural child but they will be your's as soon as the papers are signed & just because you haven't given birth to that child doesn't mean you can't still love that child as much as one you gave birth to.

Also adoption you can choose whether you have a boy or girl, where in pregnancy you get what your given.

Hope that makes some sense.

Answer 11

pregnancy and adoption both bears a common denominator - child- only in pregnancy its your own blood that will run through while in adoption iys someones baby wherein you dont know what kind of generation it comes from that is mainly what your friend wishes to impart to you.