In what ways do APs and PAPs have the ability to become catalysts for change in the U.S. adoption system?

Question

Since adoptive parents & prospective adoptive parents have the power to generally make all the choices such as where they adopt, how they adopt, & who they adopt, how could those choices positively affect the U.S. adoption system?

Also, are there different things they could do before and after adopting? Could their choices have huge impacts upon the results of people's lives? Why or why would they not choose to utilize choices that could change the adoption system for the better?

Thank you for your thoughts on this.

Answer 1

Marsha, that was....amazing. I have absolutely nothing else to add.

Answer 2

First I think everyone should be a catalyst for change. Your assumption that PAPs know their is a problem with the US adoption is incorrect.  Most have no clue, and why would they when they are fed the "Loving option"  by the adoption industry.

I went into the process with knowledge that I didn't like the system the way it was but not really sure why.   I did tons of research online and never came across anything other than agency links, and happy adoption "stuff."  Sadly anyone who is not already aware of the problems with the US system are not going to find it when searching online.

Second, APs who have gone through the process should do more to educate and share their knowledge with those in process or beginning the process.  My agency hosts information nights pretty regularly and they offer anyone who wants one, a copy of the attendance list (with e-mail addys). This is a very simple way to send links to forums and blogs to help educate people.

Just my .02 cents FWIW.

Answer 3

Wow Spydermom - it's rare to come across adoptive parents like you

Be careful or you'll be lumped in as being 'anti adoption' like the rest of us who care about ethics in adoption! LOL

Thank you so much for caring

Does anyone else hear an eerie silence from the anti-adoption reform croud?

Answer 4

Well I don't live in the U.S (I'm in Australia), but to me it stands to reason that if potential adoptive parents are the ones who are driving the industry, so to speak, their voices are (unfortunately) likely to be heard a lot louder than those of parents who have relinquished children, or those who have been adopted themselves.  I remember reading some figures on the adoption industry in the U.S -can't quote the source, sorry!- and I was just absolutely staggered to see how many young children and infants are placed for adoption every year.  I'm sure there are some genuine circumstances, but surely there aren't that many people who are truly unable to care for their children?

I realise Australia has a much better equipped social security system, over here there are so many resources to assist families financially and practically, and obviously these resources are in much shorter supply in the U.S.

As far as before/after adopting a child, I would have to say: do your research.  I would want to know everything I could about my child's biological family, both for my benefit and more to the point my child's.  It has to be strange (to say the least) to live being so disconnected from where your life first started from.

I'm a foster parent, at the moment I have 2 children in my care.  We don't 'adopt' from the foster system over here, but eventually orders are placed for permanent care if the family is unable to reunify.  There is a high probability my current children will stay until 18, and I'll most likely take guardianship.  I have, and will always continue to have an excellent relationship with their parents.  They will continue visitations, have regular visits and photos, and be included in the children's lives.  I personally do not understand why this can't happen (to some extent) in adoptions.  I don't understand why an adoptive parent wouldn't want their child to grow up feeling as complete as possible.  I also don't know that I could live with their parents pain on my conscience.

If adoptive parents pushed for similar situations to happen in ALL adoptions, then eventually the beaurocrats in charge of adoption practices will start listening.  If they were to push for more honesty in the system and the families affected, then that's what would have to be introduced.  And if they chose ethical and moral reasons and ways of adopting, then eventually the unethical practices would start to be stamped out.  

I'm sure it's not all that simple, but it seems like it would be a good place to start.  If you're the ones in the drivers seat, then why not turn the wheels the right way?

Answer 5

Before adoption, a'parents could do some simple, open-eyed research about what adoption is like for adoptees so as to be prepared for what their own children will go through.  They could research the ethics of any agency in any country that they deal with, and refuse to deal with the bad ones no matter how much they long for a child.  They could look deep inside themselves and see if they have what it takes to adopt a foster child rather than an infant.  If adopting an infant, they could research open adoption.  If adopting internationally, they could plan the trip to the home country while they were there picking up the kid.  They could insist on getting all the records of the kid's original identity they could get their hands on.  They could join the battle for open records, and push for legal contracts in open adoption.  

After adoption, they could tell the child the truth at all times, and not make up Rosie O'Donnell stories about how the child "grew in the wrong tummy."  They could talk about adoption whether the kid brings it up or not, and keep a respectful attitude about the first mother.  They could avoid well-meaning but hurtful words like "chosen" and "real."  

I think a lot of a'parents step into the adoption maze with no idea of what awaits them there.  They assume everyone must mean well because adoption is supposed to be n the best interests of the child.  This trusting attitude is what leads prospective adoptive parents to get scammed.  Adding a child to your family ought to be researched extensively, with an eye to considering the pros, the cons, and the in-betweens.

Answer 6

Wow.  There are so many great answers here, I really couldn't begin to think of anything to add.

Working together, demanding ethics and accountability, demanding open records for their adopted children, demanding to know exactly what their hard-earned money is going for (those fees are outrageous...I know I'd like to know!) Researching their chosen agency or lawyer and refusing to use any one that has been proven to use unethical practices; making open-adoption agreements legal (of course keeping the safety of the child the first priority though!), and always being honest with the adopted child about the adoption.

And always being there for their adopted child...communication is so important.  I was so afraid to talk about my adoption with my adoptive parents, because I didn't want to hurt them.  So it's very important to let your adoptee know that they can talk to you.

Answer 7

Oh sheesh, Julie, ask a simple question, why don't you?!

Okay, I don't have time to do this justice right now, and I'm headed out on vacation in about 29 hours, meantime working 2 jobs! But here's some quick thoughts.

Adoptive parents must DEMAND that adoption agencies follow ethical practices. See Ethica's guidelines, first of all. PAPs have a LOT of power, because they have the money that is driving adoption. If they do not use an agency, it folds, simple as that.

But it isn't that simple, because I have met few PAPs who have really thought all this stuff through -- myself included as a PAP. I thought a good bit of it through. I thought I had considered the important things. But now that I am parenting, and hearing from adopted adults, and especially internationally and transracially adopted adults, as my daughter will be -- well, now I know I hadn't considered a HUGE range of important things.

But see, PAPs are often in pain, desperate for a baby. People who are desperate and in pain do not make good consumers -- and they rarely make good advocates.

Sigh. So then it is probably up to us, as Adoptive Parents, to work to change the system. But when we no longer have the money the agencies want, then we also no longer have nearly as much power to get them to change. Which puts us in a similar boat with adopted adults and natural parents.

One advantage we do have, is that we are not as often or as easily dismissed in the media, in popular culture, in personal communication, and places like here. All too often, adults who were adopted are infantalized, painted with a great big "Angry Adoptee" brush, and shoved aside. And the name calling and shaming that natural mothers face is beyond belief.

So as adoptive parents, we may be better listened to in the fight for change. We do not not know the pain that others face. We cannot walk in your shoes. But we can be allies, and stand beside you.

Sorry no specifics. I will see if I can get to them tomorrow.

ADDED:

Marsha said it all, and much better than I could have. Whew! now I have more time for packing.

MARSHA: Could I copy this and spread it around to other APs and PAPs?

Heather H: Too late, apparently, I seem to be already blocked by at least one person. Must be anti-adoption. Maybe it was her fault I had those ectopic pregnancies? Sterilization at birth gone wrong?

ETA: Marsha, thanks, I copied it. I should have asked also how you would like to be credited? Just Marsha R. of Informed Adoption Advocates okay?

Answer 8

APs and PAPs have a tremendous amount of ways they can become catalysts for change. Aside from the first mothers ability to not place the child at all, adoptive parents I believe have the most power when it comes to influencing adoption.

Here are some general things I believe APs and PAPs can do, though its early here and I might come back later to add more I think of later -

1. RESEARCH!!! The number one thing any PAP or even AP can do is research, research, research. Educate yourselves not only on how much adoption costs and how to get a baby the fastest, but on ethics, corruption, attachment, bonding, grief, loss, post institutional autism (for children in orphanages), read blogs by adult adoptees (domestic, international, transracial) and first parents, learn what happens to a baby when it is separated from its mother, etc. When you've read so much you think you could write your own book about it, research some more.

2. Accept only necessary placements - the first mother may be torn in so many directions she doesn't even know whats right or wrong anymore. Don't be one of the voices trying to convince her to give the baby up, make SURE there is absolutely no way she'd be able to raise the baby before you agree to adopt. Help her find the resources to parent if you can, let her know that you will be okay if she chooses to parent. I know how much it would hurt to have the placement fail and I am not trying to be dismissive of the feelings of the hopeful PAPs, but this is going to have to happen more often in order for needless adoptions to stop happening. Kudos to all APs out there who made sure there was positively no way the mother could raise her child before the placement. Not only will this make a difference in the individual cases, but if all aparents start demanding only necessary adoptions, these agencies will be less likely to be coercive themselves.

3. Demand open records! - No one is listening to the adoptees on this, so its time the APs step in and help. Demand an original birth certificate and as much information as you can get for your child. If we all band together, people will have to take notice.

4. Support organizations that promote family preservation - of course this isn't just for APs and PAPS, everyone should be helping out. But, just like people whose lives have been touched by cancer are most often those to donate to the american cancer society, I assume those whose lives have been touched by adoption or the need for family preservation are those more likely to donate to these organizations.

5. Write to your congressmen and representatives - Amyburt who posts here, I can't remember her entire screename, but she always has some great letters that you can copy and send off to the powers that be. Look her up, see what you can do.

6. Support adoptee rights at rallys and protests - Gershom is the go-to girl here. Imagine what we could do if 3 sides of the adoption diamond came together to support adoptee rights? WOW!

7. Keep up with the news and laws in countries you consider adopting from - why are there so many children for adoption? What can be done to relieve the situation? What laws are being passed to help or exacerbate the situation? Is there anything we citizens of the US, Canada, UK, Australia, etc can do to help?

8. Support aid workers in foreign countries - who is over there offering free or low cost health care to people in need so that they don't have to surrender their children? Who is providing food and clothing to the poor and starving? Find out and support these people. Sponsor a family, sponsor an aid worker, or just send a note of encouragement if there is nothing else you can do.

9. Research and learn the following -

--"The Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC)"

--"The Convention on the Rights of the Child Optional Protocol (Sale of

Children)"

--"Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption"

--Human Rights documents, including the "Protocol to Prevent, Suppress,

and Punish Trafficking in Persons, Especially Women and Children,

Supplementing the United Nations Convention Against Transnational

Organized Crime.

10. Find out where your money is going - the #1 reason for corruption in adoption is the large sum of money adoptive parents are paying. Find out where yours is going, and hold people accountable.

11. Know your agency - dig past the prices and niceness of the rep, find out how ethical your agency really is before you sign with them. Are they helping families stay together when possible, or are they coercing women out of their babies? Are they willing to grease a few palms to get you a child faster (yes thats a bad thing)? Do they turn their heads at possible corruption to stay in business? Sure their Vietnam program might be stellar, but what about their Guatemala program or domestic program? How clean are their hands there? Do not sign with any agency that participates in unethical practices even if its in a country or program you are not adopting from.

12. Make sure any child you adopt is really in need of a home - Sure we aparents get lied to. We are told half truths or have things hidden from us, it happens. BUT, that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to find out and let our agencies and reps know its important to us. Lets not be like Madonna and in a sea of parentless children somehow adopt one of the few who has a loving parent who loves and cares for them. Be aware of the fact that in many of these countries, they do not realize that "international adoption" means they will not see their children again or cease to be the child's parent. They many times believe that they're sending their child off for an education or for temporary care and will have the child returned after awhile.

13. Share your knowledge - So you have become an advocate for change and reform in adoption, good! Now share what you know with others! Don't let them drown out your voice. Not everyone is going to like what you have to say, but say it anyways! Say it until they listen! When adoptees say it, people dismiss it saying they must've had bad childhoods or bad aparents or they're just miserable people; when first parents say it people dismiss them saying they're just remorseful over giving up their child, or that they are bad people to begin with because they must've been poor, uneducated, on drugs, promiscuous or what have you in order to give up their child so their opinion doesnt count. That leaves US, the aparents, to say it!

14. Always be honest - Stop the cycle of lies and deceit in adoption. Be honest with your children. Don't hide information from them, even if it hurts.

15. Support your adoptee - Let your child know that its okay to have questions, to feel loss and pain, to wonder about their first parents, to want to search, to want information. Help them in any way you can, back off when they need to do things themselves and be someone they can really talk to.