In what whys are TRIAD members treated differently by society?

Question

How is it different being an adoptee, first parent, or adopter?

Answer 1

I can't recall anyone ever turning away and looking embarrassed when I talk about my girls. Mention my son and the room stands still. People don't use my daughters to hurt me and abuse me emotionally. Every day someone makes a rude or ignorant comment about my eldest, sometimes as small as "so you have THREE kids then?", sometimes as major as "what kind of mother gives away her child? You should just give the baby away too." People use the fact that my son isn't with me as a way to weaken me and strip away my identity as a mother. Once a relinquisher always a relinquisher.

Something tells me nobody would question my parenting if I had not signed those papers so long ago.

Answer 2

I was a saint that walked on water when I was pregnant and during the time before the papers were finalized. Then 2 weeks later I had done something so horrible, no one could tell me what it was, and I was told I could never see my daughter again.

I have heard people say things like, "How could you give your child away?" It has been used against me so many times... My psycho EX, while we were in court for charges against domestic violence, said, "Judge, did you know that she gave her baby away for adoption?" It has absolutely nothing to do with anything and I must say, that his attorney looked just as dumbfounded as everyone else. He was found guilty. But, it just goes to show that most people think of it as a strike against me. My EX told my son when he was 2 and a half that I was going to give him away.

Oh, and when I had my son, I was separated from my EX. They had me in the hospital under a different name and security outside my room. The doctor said as I was literally  birthing my son, "Well, are you going to keep this one?" As if I didn't already feel like cr@p.

People who I'm very close to, and don't know that I've had a daughter, talk about women who give their children up for adoption like they are the scum of the earth.

I never talk about it to anyone anymore. I've learned.

Answer 3

AS an AP, I have nothing but tremendous respect for Em's bmom.  

The other thing that was interesting to me was the pedestal I was put on, like I am this great hero for taking in this child.  It was almost as if what I did was saintly or something and while I am not the devil, I certainly am no saint either!

Answer 4

aparents-saviors

b/fn-mothers-unfit breeders

adoptees-grateful that they were saved from their unfit breeders; or not aborted.

my opinion of society's view of the adoption triad.

Answer 5

I told my best friend I had a baby and gave her up. Then when she was 1, I got drunk and told another girl, with my best friend, she always wanted to talk about her and it was just to painful for me, so I shut her out, with the second girl, she just kind of never invited me over again so I never told anyone ever again, that was in 1972/73. I made new friends over the years and I never told them, I had a son and I never told him, so when I searched and found her, I had to tell my secret. My son was mad and hurt as was my best friend from work. But when I started to tell my story to everyone else, they were of course shocked but they were kind to me too. I had also had another friend at work confess to me that she had, had a baby and given him up in 1974. When I found my daughter I told her my secret and I said I think my search angel can find your son too. We found them both in 2001 and both reunions have been good. I think my fear was far worse than anything thing else that happened.

Answer 6

Regarding Ghost Writer:

I was disgusted by the experiences you've dealt with. The decision to relinquish a child is very personal, and NO ONE should judge it. My own mother (adoptive) admits that she would have a very difficult time making such a decision and therefore truly respects the decision my birth parents made. It is terrible that a family member would use your decision to hurt your child and (it seems to me) take a shot at you. Yeah, a lot of people are pretty stupid. Sometimes I think that some people are born without that portion of the brain that censors our words before they come spewing from our mouths. I am sorry you have had to deal with some behavior.

To answer the question, I don't recall being treated any differently as an adoptee. Of course, the rest of my family has known from the beginning, and when I tell friends about it they may ask a question or two but don't make a big thing out of it.

Answer 7

As an adoptive parent, one area of discrimination I've had to fight for myself and my daughter is employer benefits and insurance benefits.  My daughter is special needs and I had to fight to get her to be on our insurance WITHOUT a preexisting condition - by law if you are part of a group plan, when the child joins your family it is just like a biological child being born in that medical needs can't be considered a pre-existing condition.  But I had to fight for it.  I also had to fight for FMLA for time off with my daughter for her adoption.  Geez, how we needed those 12 weeks together just like any new parent/child connection needs them.  Again, we did get it, but I had to spend hours arguing with beurocrats to get both.

Answer 8

I was having a glass of wine with co-workers after work a couple weeks back when one of the gals I work with leaned over and whispered, "I'm a birth mom. No one in the office knows. I heard you talking about being adopted & meeting your birth mom."  

Since then we've talked a lot about her journey. And because of that conversation, I went directly to the library and got the book, The Girls Who Went Away.  I read it in 3 days.  Then she read it.  My best friend in NY has checked out the book & is reading it & will be sharing it with her 17 y/o daughter.  

Now another friend of mine is going to read it.  She got pregnant before she was married in 1971 and ran away with her bf so they could cross state lines to get married  in a neighboring state that allowed marriage without parental consent if you had a doctor's note verifying the pregnancy.  

The birth mom still hides her story, sharing it with only  select few, even after 38 years.  I married at 16, had my daughter, divorced her dad, fought to keep my child (my mom pushed me to relinquish her when she was a year old).  At 34, I was caught off guard by a boss telling me I "might not share" with others that I'd had a daughter in my teens.  Holy c**p, she was a HS Senior set to graduate with honors at the time. I was proud of her! (still am...)

So, I & my friend who ran away & got married 39 years ago still feel the shame of our past "sins", but can at least talk about it.  While my friend, a birth mom, still hides her "secret".  How sad!  How very, very wrong!

So much for all the c**p about what a "loving choice" adoption is and birth mothers "being heroes" to people and "so wonderful, they "put their babies first".  If that's so true, then why do they still feel the need to hide in shame 30, 40, 50, 70 years later?  Oh...and so many AP's or PAP's come on telling the horror stories of the first moms.  Just have to justify why your the better parent...?

First moms are heroes in my book for surviving!  Don't get me wrong. I just think all the people who heap this c**p upon them about "a loving choice" who then abandon forever to the shadows are full of $#|+!

Answer 9

Some people automatically assume all sorts of things when they hear a person is adopted.  I think we've heard many of those assumptions here.  It's just that it sucks to have to hear them over and over in real life when you don't expect you might be subjecting yourself to them.

It's all the assumptions that can be annoying.  I do think, however, that first parents get it "stuck to them" quite badly in the department of assumptions.  d**n, depending on what day it is and who's talking, they either the big, selfless hero or the drug-addicted tramp.  It's pretty pathetic what they have to hear from some people, whether it's being said directly to them or whether they have to overhear it.

Answer 10

I think people have a hard time realizing that it is best for some to relinquish.  I especially see that here on Y!A, but it's not the first time.  

It was best for my situation, and that's all I need to know.

As far as how does society treat me differently?  I think many people who hear I relinquished think that I "could have kept her if I wanted to"... which may or may not be true.  Either way, I chose not to, and I'm not ashamed, or in denial of my choice.  Some hear it and think "Oh!  How dreadful!!  That must be so hard to live with!!"  And no, actually it's not.  That is hard for people to understand.  I think especially on this site I'm judged.  

Life goes on.

Answer 11

I think to "relinquish" you have to be extremely strong and truly have the child's interest at heart.  There are exceptions to every rule and sadly, many people take those exceptions as the rule.  I am an AP and have a friends from all areas within the Triad.  I have friends who've adopted family, adopted internationally and who'd relinquished and then at a better point in their lives had other children and raised them.  They were able to do that at that time.  Everyone has a different situation and I truly feel like if you are a mother and you relinquish because you are trying to do what's right for your child then you are owed much credit for that...there are so many who are not willing to admit they can't do it and the children suffer...sometimes their whole life and it's a sad sad thing.  

I can't believe a family member would say that to a child that you might get rid of them if they don't behave!  I don't know what I'd have done/said in that situation!

Answer 12

What few people I have told about my youngest are pretty understanding.  I was employed at this one place during the pregnancy, and when I returned I got bombarded with Q's about the baby.  Eventually, it was figured out, and there were several who were aghast that I had relinquished the youngest at birth, but had the audacity to continue raising my then three and a half year old (she's four now).  One person said I should do my older daughter a favor and get rid of her too.  

Oh, and a family memeber told my daughter on Thanksgiving: "You better calm down or your mom's going to get rid of you like she did your sissy."

Some people are ignorant, hateful, A**holes.

*****later added*****

This particular family member is missing some teeth now thanks to word getting to me within a few minutes of what he said.  Whole fam had to dive in to break us up.  I got a few good swings in before they pulled me off of him.  I could care less about the low blows at me, but I won't tolerate people using it to hurt the daughter I am raising.

Oh, and my ex husband tried to use the adoption as proof I was an unfit mother so he could take custody of our older child (before I relinquished, he filed for custody right after he was served the adoption papers)