In your experience, do people have these misconceptions about adoption?

Question

I constantly hear people say that they would rather have an abortion then give their kid up for adoption because they don't want their kid to be in an orphanage or foster home for years and years. I also get asked on a regular basis when people find out I am adopted "How long were you in foster care?". Don't people realize that newborn's are up for adoption? And that most newborns spend like 1 month to zero days in foster care? And that some adoptees WERE adopted at birth??

Anyone else had these experiences?

Answer 1

I have a son that we adopted at birth. I was there when he was a hour old and we took him home from the hospital. I have never gotten comments like yours but, when it comes right down to it, people are so ignorant and make so many generalizations and assumptions about things based on stories and the media when they have no personal information or experience -- that not much surprises me. I think most people who know anything about adopting a baby know that newborns are extremely wanted and from that, I would "assume" they understand that those babies never spend any time in foster care but, then again, you can never account for the stupid things people think!

Answer 2

You will even see people that have similar misconceptions here on Y!A.  

It is just that much more important that people feel safe to ask these questions here.  It allows an education to occur.

Answer 3

I am adopted and I would have prefered my mother to have an abortion

Answer 4

I've never heard anyone say anything like that, and the only people I know of who've been in foster homes are those who have been forcibly taken from their families due to child abuse.

I'd have thought most/all people realise that babies who are going to be adopted will be adopted around the time of their birth.

Answer 5

adoption aint so bad

Answer 6

No, I haven't.

My mother was told that I'd gone directly to my adoptive parents and so she could not have me back (she didn't 'give me up' - I was taken by nuns who thought they knew what was best for me).  That was a lie (one of many).  

I was in foster care for 3 months.  That broke her heart to hear.

Answer 7

I was placed for adoption at birth and spent three months in a foster home.  The same thing happened to my sibling who is also adopted.  Most people placed for adoption as infants spent time in foster care if they were born before 1990. That is an empirical fact.  You can look it up if you want.

Answer 8

I'm adopted. I was in the hospital for 3 days after my birth. My birthmom was there for 3 days also (in 1971). SHe went home. I went to a foster home for 7 days while my adoptive parents were finishing the paperwork. They saw me once while I was in the hospital and decided right then and there they wanted me. The paperwork with the agency and lawyer went fast (10 days). When I was 10 days old, the foster mother brought me to the adoption agency for my adoptive parents to pick me up and take me home. My adoptive parents never met my birth mother or the foster parents. Of course, adoptions are different today. Many are more open.

No one has ever asked me about being in a foster home. But some have asked me how old I was when I was adopted. I was 10 days old when I went home but I was actually adopted on the day I was born.

My aunt and uncle were foster parents to 100 children over 22 years. Amazing!!  They did adopt one of the girls after her mother decided not be take her back. She was 2 when she went into their foster home and they adopted her when she was 8. I loved visiting them because I got to hold the babies and play with the toddlers!! They retired from foster care after the 100th child.  Bless them and the children!!

I don't think America has orphanages anymore. Does it?

Answer 9

I don't think I've ever heard that misconception.  Interesting.

Answer 10

Having adopted twice, I've heard many comments from people about adoption.  I think there are many misconceptions, but mostly just questions.  People are curious and sometimes don't know how to say things without them seeming very ignorant and offensive.  I just try to be very open and honest with my answers, adoption is a blessing and it has changed our lives.  At times though, you need to tell people that their question or comment isn't appropriate.

Answer 11

I'm not adopted so u know better but anyways I never heard that and I never do it myself. it's none of my business to know how did anyone spend their pre-adoption life

Answer 12

The umbrella to adoption is HUGE, and I think its a very high expectation to assume complete strangers will know even minimal details to ones adoption.

Since the spectrum to placement and adoption is literally from birth to 17 years old there is a really small chance someone who doesn't know you will know when you were adopted and NOT make an ignorant statement about it.

I agree with Phil, there are ways that they could "ask" without "assuming."

I was in a foster home ( at least one, maybe more, i don't know ) from 3 days old until 6 months, so in this thread alone we have a wide range of lengths in foster care to adoption.

Yes, i get ignorant replies to strangers finding out I'm adopted, lately many have been pretty supportive of my fight for my OBC though and thats a breath of fresh air.

Answer 13

That's great for you.

I was "somewhere" for about a month.  I don't know where.  And no one will tell me.  I wasn't with my first mom.  And I was with my adoptive mom.  So where was I?

I'm glad you know where you were.  But it's not a misconception if it happens to some.  It may be a complex question.  They should first ask if you were adopted right at birth.  

But not everyone was.  So be sure you don't make the reverse mistake.

Answer 14

Yours is one of so many misconceptons regarding adoption. That is why we all need to share our stories and be advocates to clear these silly thoughts.  

But most of all, we need to support each other for the children's sake. All of the bickering back and forth does nothing. Negativity causes more negativity, who needs that?

Answer 15

Some people are just oblivious to the fact that some questions are inappropriate to ask.

When someone asks you such a question, just answer with a quesion, like:

"why do you want to know?" - or

"why would you ask someone such a personal question?"

"do you have some reason why you need to know that?"

Some people have your experience; some don't.

The misconception I ran into was that adopted children won't be abused.

cw

Answer 16

We adopted internationally and I find myself constantly correcting misconceptions, here (when I feel like it) and elsewhere.

Answer 17

Oh yes. So many people are uneducated when it comes to adoption, and many are just plain ol' ignorant. I use to be one those people who said I'd rather have an abortion than add another child to the world that would sit in a foster home. Until I saw my cousin go through the adoption process and place her daughter for adoption my veiws have done a complete 360.

I've also heard "Nobody can love my baby as much as I can" which is a load of BS. ANYONE can love a child. A birthmother loves their child just as much as an adoptive parent could. Or "I would never give my child up for adoption because you just don't know what those parents are going to do them". Which baffles me because if you are doing an open adoption and you take the time to get to know the adoptive parents you should be at ease with knowing they'll take good care of your son/daughter.

No. Instead people would rather choose to parent a child in poverty and filth because "I want to see her take her first steps!" or "I want to do this, or I want to be there for that". Which of course, any mother would. But it take a REALLY strong woman to say "Hey, I cannot provide for my child. I cannot give my child the things he/she deserves. So I am entrusting this couple to care for my baby".

That's real strength right there.

Answer 18

No, never.  I see all the time on here that people think that all first mothers are crack hoes, though, so I guess the misconceptions go both ways.

Answer 19

I usually have the opposite experience where most people assume that I was given up at birth.  And same goes for other adoptees.  It is very rare that people understand what I went thru as a child.  And the media portrays it the same way.  They always show situations where parents are so happy with their newly adopted baby.

Answer 20

I've heard this nonsense.  As an adoptive parent, I get this from another front:  how much did you PAY for your kid. (!) Who are the REAL parents!?  Stuff like that.

I'm going to cut and paste your question into my notes so that I'll have even more to show my kid when he is older.  I need to remember to think of it from his perspective.