In your opinion, was I rude or out of line for saying this to my mother

Question

Bottomline – my mother is constantly asking me to borrow money, whether it be once a week or every two weeks. I am sick and tired of asking as it has become a habit. I have been working since I was 14, and 17 years later she is still asking to borrow money. If she is in need then I am happy to help her if I can, but if she is asking just because she thinks she should be able to then that’s another story. She lives in another state miles away from here, but she comes to visit for 6 to 7 months out of the year to help my aunts care for my grandmother. She’s on a fixed income of about $600 per month and is on subsidized housing. Although she doesn’t get much money per month she should have something left over, because all she has to pay other than rent is lights and phone. Whenever I am able, I will buy her an outfit or a pair of shoes or something. I rarely miss her birthday, Mother’s Day or Christmas. The number one culprit is her marijuana addiction.

Answer 1

You are absolutely IN line for not letting your mother ruin your bank account or your marriage!!  You should tell your husband about it when your mother does "borrow" money--but mostly, you should simply tell her that you're very sorry, but you just don't have it to lend her anymore.

Cut her off. She is using you and taking advantage of you. It doesn't matter if this is your mother! Her behavior is not acceptable. You earn your money and you have every right in the universe to hang onto it, even when it's your mother asking. The fact that she's buying weed tells me that she is irresponsible and immature--and she isn't going to pay you (or anyone else) back.

Don't feed her bad habits. Don't give her any more money. And yes, you are perfectly correct about what you should and should not tell your husband. You sound like a caring daughter--but don't let yourself be taken in by your mom's ways. There is no law that says you have to do what she says. You're a married woman and you have your own family and life to take care of.

Good luck and stick to your instincts here.

Answer 2

Your mother's income isn't much, even with subsidies and you should help her with necessary expenses if you can afford to do so and she is in real need.  BUT if she is using her income to buy drugs, giving her money is enabling her to make bad choices.  

I do not believe you were rude or out of line.

Answer 3

Several opinions on this one!

1 This is your Mother

2.Weed isn't the worst thing in the world

3. you are enabling her,

4. if its just a few $$, whats the big deal?

5. You only get 1 Mother!!!!!!

6.Its only $$, theres more than we can ever make or spend, so whats the big deal.

7. Don't be nosey or greedy

Answer 4

If you want to help your mom, instead of giving her the cash, buy her the groceries, or actually pay a bill, etc.

Help her in ways that she can't return something to the store to get cash back!  

You are obligated to help your mother in emergencies, but you're not obligated to enable her.

Tough love works!

Answer 5

No under those circumstances you should not support your mothers addictive habit.. she should get help;... even smoking weed is a drug addiction.. she should realize she has a problem... If she is not that old she could try and find a job.. then she would not need to ask you for money and she obviously has no job otherwise she could not spend 6 months out of one year with you looking after your sick grandmother...xx

Answer 6

you should save up money and buy a pound, you give some to your mom to sell and when she comes back with the money u give her to smoke.... its a win win, u make money she makes money and she smokes almost for free

Answer 7

yeah what's she thinking? you were not rude at all, just speaking your mind. Well maybe she needs economical help so just give her like 30 or 50 each month and if she asks for more tell her that you have your needs and it's time for her to beresponsiblee and use her money correctly, thinking if she really needs to spend it or let grow a small amount by saving some.Also try to talk with her about her addiction, she might turn a bitaggressivee but she's your mum, as she gets older it will become in something like a baby for you and your brother  

Answer 8

you weren't rude or wrong. if she truly needed money for something important and you wouldn't give it to her, that's one thing...but weed? she's wrong expecting that money from you and then tries to put you on a guilt trip, that's wrong. another thing, your husband may say he's okay with it, but is he, or does he just tell you that.  what if she's busted,making a buy from an undercover narc...who's going to pay her legal fees.

Answer 9

base on your story I don't think you're rude to your Mom, you just want her to discipline her spending habits and to control also herself regarding the "weeds" issue.. Have you think to let her in a rehab in order for her to detoxify and to forget her vice? May be she cannot see that you care enough for her and you may also consider to talk to her in person, one on one talk may fixed the gap and bring out your side..  

Answer 10

Oh, h**l no.  She sounds ghettto.  She will continue to use you as long as you let her.  If she can't afford her habit then she needs to give it up.  She has subsidized housing and smokes weed.  That really makes me mad.  I think anyone who received government assistance should have to take a drug test.  I have to take drug tests in order to have a job to earn the money to pay the taxes to support these people who want to be given handouts and a free ride so why shouldn't they have to take a drug test to receive the welfare?  Sorry if I offended you but it is a rather touchy subject for me.

Answer 11

no you do not need to be enableing her to get her fix its your money and all  

Answer 12

I don't think you're being rude...she is!  

How about this, next time she asks, you should say, "Look, Mom, I'm worried about you.  I know you're on a really limited income and I know everything is so expensive right now, from food to gas to utilities...everyone is feeling the crunch, and it's got to be so hard when you only have $600 a month in income.  Maybe we could sit down together this Saturday for a couple of hours and work out a monthly spending plan for you, and maybe I could help you figure out some ways to cut expenses like groceries or something.  My husband and I use a spending plan and it has really helped us to see where our money is going.  Hopefully we can come up with a plan for you so you'll have a little bit of "fun" money left over every month, to use for whatever you want (it's really none of your business what she uses it for...video rentals or a dime bag).

If she accepts - GREAT!  If she doesn't, then you have your ammo:  "Well, I'm trying to help you Mom by solving the problem instead of just putting a band-aid on it by giving you $15 here and $20 there.  If you don't want my help, maybe you could get a library book or something on how to do a spending plan.  You don't have many expenses so it should be pretty simple.  But unless you know where your money is going and can start living within your means, we can't continue to give you money all the time.  I love you!"

Answer 13

Boy that boat sucks to be in!  same story for me!  what you did was not rude but i would try talking to her about it!

telling her i don't mind loaning out a few bucks here and there but this is a weekly/ monthly thing!

if you want me to help then in 60 days i'll have you take a drug test!  if you fail i'll never loan you money again! I'm not paying for your habits!  if you need bill money then i must ask what are your priorities sit down with her and set up a budget sheet!

my mom lives close by so i can't just give her money. I  make her work it off... but i don't loan money to anyone any more you either do something for you and i'll pay you or go ask someone else!

role switching sucks!

and yes you are her daughter so help her get off the pot and into being proactive!  it's hard more over if you do weed to!  maybe even telling her to lighten up on the smoking!

now if she didn't smoke weed should could play the daughter card... but if she wants' help she has to help her self first!

just talk with her tell her how you feel!  and ask her how she can expect you to support her as well!

it's hard to question the mom but your the mom now!

Answer 14

You are enabling your mother's addiction. If she is using marijuana for a medical reason, that's one thing. But if it's an actual addiction, then you need to stop giving her money. She needs to fall on her face now. At her age it will be VERY hard on her, but if you want to keep funding her habit, you will be doing that until the day she dies.

Be strong, because she will act just like a child who has had allowance cut off. She will beg, plead, get angry, probably throw tantrums, she may even threaten to kill herself. Don't cave. If she is that addicted, it would not be your fault if she committed suicide.

On the other hand, you could notify social services or senior services and get her some help. They would be able to tell you how to get her the help she needs to kick the habit.  

Answer 15

yes, you where. you fail