Indian Pakistani people can relate...help me

Question

okay so my parents are SO traditional they dont let me do anything [anything!] like hang out with my friends or go to dances im such a good kid i dont do anything bad i get straight a's and yet they dont trust me. They dont even let me be freinds with guys [eye roll] [almost all my best freinds are guys] but i hate keeping secrets and the worst part is they let my brother do whatever cuz hes a boy ...

all i hear is " beta jake phari karo"

help! how do i deal?

Answer 1

I am Indian, born in India but I live abroad since more 15 years now, however I have spend my childhood and youth in India.

I know how you feel and I can see that you are not a conformist who says that life has to be this way because it is what your parents want from you or because it has always been this way.

In India there still does exist a lot of hypocrisy, although I think it is getting better nowadays little by little.

Boys are usually allowed (and even expected) to make their experiences; meanwhile girls are expected to go on living the same way as during the last century. .

In my case it was absolutely the same, my brothers did what they had to do… meeting friends, going around with their motorbikes, hanging out… having girl friends and stuff like this.

And the worst thing was that they were used to come home and nobody even asked them where have they been and where did they go and with whom they hang out…

At home they never were expected to wash up the dishes, clean or even clear up in their own rooms… this was my mothers duty and mine of course. So I was the servant of my elder brothers and they never ever even said thank you, they simply were used to see a woman cleaning up the mess they leave behind them. At the age of 15, 16 I really started to boil inside when my mother said that I ought to make the beds of my brothers… Why me? Don´t they have two hands as well? Or are they too stupid to do something simple like that on their own?

No, the answer is, that boys think they are superior to girls… but just because their own parents and especially their mothers teach them to think this way.

The only positive thing that has changed is that girls can have studies nowadays and go to university, which is due to my opinion the only way to escape from unfair and degenerative traditions, where girls and women are treated like second class on one hand and the way as if we never were real adults to decide over our own life on the other hand.

I had many, many discussions with my parents when I was young and normally everything ended up the way that I was not allowed to do anything else then go to my lady friends house.

But as a young person I did not agree with that and of course I (and my friend as well) lied to my parents (and hers) and we went to see our friends somewhere.

I said I am at her place and she said she was at my place.

Okay, it´s not nice, but what was the alternative?

I must say that studies were my own possibility to escape from a life full of machismo and traditions, which are not made for me.

With excellent studies you can get a well-paid job and make a life on your own and the way you want to live your life, away from your family, who certainly does not owe you.

Your family can decide over you as long as you are a minor (and certainly they will, and don´t expect that they will change their point of view. This is wishful thinking and will not happen.)

I don´t know if you are Indian or Pakistani. But in the case you are Pakistani things may even be more difficult for you, as Pakistanis are usually even more traditional and machismo is lived much more openly in this society than in Indian society.

Well, all I can suggest you is to study as hard as you can and go to university; try to persuade your family to go to the best one (one which is far away from where you live… this way you certainly get freedom!)

And once you are full of age and financially and professionally independent you can live your life the way you want to.

Meanwhile you would have to obey the rules… and try to escape with little lies whenever you can…

Good luck!  

Answer 2

Dear friend,

You should not feel about about your parents. Every parent of young children (particularly girls) are scared about their childrens going on the wrong track. Moreover, its not possible to bring them on the right treck. So, its their duty. If they don't trust you, its because of your good. This will save you from many hurdles, which mislead the youth and put them off the treck

Answer 3

haha just lie thats what i always do :P it may sound bad but it works

Answer 4

typical Indian parentage........

Beta sansaar ko paar karayega.........if they are given fire by Male child after their death (this is common belief among Indian parents)..... (my foot)

You are right, they need to get to their senses, but they have formed those habits over 40-50 years of their life, it will be great mental stress for you to change their behaviour. Just pray that you get married early and you hubby gives you freedom and understanding you want.

Answer 5

Your parents are trying to do what they feel is best for you. Guys are not good for teenage girls in their (your) culture.  How old are you?  Also, parents know when their kids are lying to them, so that's not a good solution. I hope you're not doing it. If you are, they will never trust you.

You need to sit down with them and talk. Tell them that you understand that they want to protect you, but you are being raised in a completely different culture than they were.

Suggest to them that you invite one of your male friends and his parents over so they can get to know them. I doubt they will agree, but it's not completely out of the question.

Be respectful of their feelings, authority and culture while reminding them that you are a good kid and that you are doing your best to try please them, but you feel like they don't trust you and it hurts.  

Answer 6

try to enjoy at home, if u will go aginst them, it will not good for u, make friends on net and chat with them ,share your feelings with them, u can share your problem with me as well if u dont mind

Answer 7

I also have such problem as you really is not a problem for me cuz your parents know what the should do for you should  understand your parents and the should understand you they don't want to do this because they want to unhappiness or anger for you , when you be a mother you will know and understand why your parent do this for you and you will remember that's day

you must not be sad to go out with friends (boys),but you should be more happy cuz your parents take care of you and want you to be the best some kid (girl) don't have parents (family ) or they hope that they have parents like your parents and my parents too :) , all you have to do now that you go with your friend(GIRLS) and have FUN  

Answer 8

Hello,

I respect your parents , because they don’t want you to go for a bad thing and that is for your better future,  still you are very young and this it the time to learn something good, so padai karo, education is very important at this stage,  why you want to spoil your self with dirty things,  make some good freinds whom you know very well, don’t go for disco and other bad friends,  we Indian Pakistanis should keep our dignity and respect , regards  

Answer 9

hey don't worry... what's your age? anyways leave that if you are younger like probably 13-15 then don't worry cuz' when you will be 18 you could do anything you want even go to a better place than india, and since you are a good kid and get straight A's i m pretty sure that if you are this good at the college i bet you could be transferred from india ?(if you are living there) to a better place like Canada, America.etc

Answer 10

be understand mind of your parants.. call your friend to house and meet them in front of parents let them generate confidance on you that you are not wrong or will not do anything wrong hope things will improve.. best of luck

Answer 11

Anita nailed the answer here. But let me tell you I'm now 27, but Im from a very educated upperclass pakistani family, but they are hypocrites when it comes to raising female and male children.   my parents have traveled all over the world, they act liberal, but they are Hypocrites with a capital H. My brothers got cars from my parents, never picked up after themselves, and my mom still does their laundry.  In my case, I was not allowed to go out with friends not even to movies,  I didnt learn how to drive until I was 22 and thats because my older brother secretly taught me, my parents even told me i could no longer go to my university, so I ended up going to an online school to finish up my degree and their reasoning was they didnt want me to meet guys.  The wierd thing is I never got in trouble, i didnt date, I didnt even make too many friends, but they always wanted to control me. It was terrible how they treated me. HELLO!!! my stupid desi parents bring me to the U.S but they want me to be traditional in a freaking liberal country,  makes no sense.  My case is similiar,  I got so tired of their double standards, that I kept on making straight A's in college, got a great IT job, and moved out at age 22.  My parents were furious, but they were mad at me for 6 months, didnt speak to me. Now, we speak to each other all the time, they have more respect for me,  they see that I'm independant, doing everything on my own, and I dont need them to protect me because we are not living in the stone ages.  They also see that they raised "lazy"  boys, and my own mom comes to realize that she wished they raised my brothers to respect women, women are not servants, rather than beautiful contributing equal human beings.  So in short, keep getting your good grades and, get a job, save your money, and get out of that house!!!! because your parents will not change.