Infertility is driving us apart...

Question

My wife and I will be celebrating (hopefully) our 7th wedding anniversary in Sept. We've been together for more than 10 years. Our relationship has had it's typical "getting to really know one another" phases. For the past 3 years, we've been battling with the pain of infertility to get pregnant... it's my infertility we're dealing with. I've always been there for her and we supported each other throughout this crisis. After several attempts at IVF, TESE & ICSI, we may have to resort to alternative means to have children, which she is not comfortable with. She says it's her biological need to reproduce that is her conflict (Donor is not an option for her, either)

More recently (the past 6 months) I've noticed our connection drifting apart. There is a 12 year difference between us, but it has never been an issue before she discovered some old friends, who she's been hanging out with a few times a week, playing games (poker,gtr hero) and doing some light clubbing. We've always shared our friends together to some extent, at least an introduction... but she feels like she needs to have her space. and she really enjoys her connection with her "peeps". I've given her a lot of space... perhaps too much, to my fault.

She's not sure she wants to stay in our relationship and wants to see what else life has to offer... I'm all for supporting seeing what life has to offer, but does it have to

We are starting therapy tonight to see if we can find more answers, though sometimes my hopes are extinguished with tears when I feel her pulling away.

Our communication is really good and there is a lot of love between us... I feel she is protecting her fears of being unable to concieve (she is 35). I'm always willing to do what it takes for our relationship... it's something I take very seriously.

I truly think the infertility is the root cause of where we are... it kills me as a man, that I cannot provide this, but must our relationship die because of this?

Answer 1

I feel horrible for you!  It is a very tough situation that no one on this site can answer for you.  I will say, however, as a mother I understand how 'alternative' means to have children could seem very wrong to her.  For many, if not most, women that need to bear children is overwhelmingly strong.  More so even than the need to have a husband (as bad as that sounds, it is absolutely the truth).  

I think counseling is the best thing you can do at this point.  If nothing else, it will hopefully let you know her true feelings and perhaps give a little closure to the situation.  

One thing to think of....if your marriage works out and she does not produce a biological child, could you deal with the resentment she will most likely hold against you in the years to come?  

I'm sure this kind of answer isn't what you want, but it sounds like you are trying to see it from her perspective.  I commend you for that!  Good luck to you and your marriage!

Answer 2

My heart really goes out to you.  Most of the time the roles are reversed.  Hopefully therapy will help.  If she is willing to go to therapy then there is hope.  Have you guys tried talking to fertility doctors?  Have you exhausted every option you can come to?  I dont know how you feel about religion, but prayer can help too.  Good luck to you and I wish the best!

Answer 3

try having s*x with her every nite? lol try talking to her about it tell her wat u typed 4 this question

Answer 4

have you had this talk with her... its gets fustrating every month,i dont have an answer, but i wish you the best

Answer 5

i'm so sorry you're going through this, and it says a lot about you that you're going to start therapy and are looking for advice, therapy will help you and your wife a lot...infertility can be very tough, but once you decide what you really want to do you can explore your options as well as adoption, a surrogate mother, etc. you can also ask a fertility specialist online for free for advice, even though you've already gone through some treatments, you can try FertilityTies.com for advice and find others going through similar situations,

best of luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!