Inspired by Sptfyr AI have written a Monotetra. Is it acceptable?

Question

Here is the link to the form:

http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=253

Uncaged

by Elaine P

I struggled through those lonely years

caged by gravity, bound by fears,

until a time when through my tears

I saw my peers, I saw my peers.

They were poets with pen in hand

who longed to travel to a land

beyond the Earth, among the stars,

They reached for Mars, they reached for Mars.

They left the Earth in poetry,

expressed their dreams for all to see,

with one sweet voice they did agree

to call to me, to call to me.

Now as I look to freedom’s gate,

with door unlatched I see my fate,

no chirping now, it’s not too late,

the stars await, the stars await.

Answer 1

This sings, strong and soft, so beautiful!

Answer 2

This is very musical and inspiring Elaine......and the last stanza! what shall I say? It's great beyond the measure of words.

"Now as I look to freedom’s gate,

with door unlatched I see my fate,

no chirping now, it’s not too late,

the stars await, the stars await."

Answer 3

I'm soooooo glad I didn't have to point out verse two's little problem, whew - being a poetry-policeman all the time is a tough job.

Loved this - it is sad sometimes, if the cage door is opened - but the fledgling still doesn't  fly away - trapped by its own fears.  I don't think that this is you, though.

I must stop messing about and go and try one for myself (I'm so easily distracted!!!!!)

Answer 4

This is beautiful. The first stanza really spoke to me, this was me a couple of months ago. The stars await, and I am reaching for them.

Answer 5

The only problem I can see with the monotetra form is stanza two. All end lines in a stanza must rhyme. Aside from that, it's perfect, and beautiful.

The stars do await...can't wait to actually go there. Thank you for this, it's exquisite.

Answer 6

And Mars is lovely dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

< I fully admit I plagerized Robert Frost>

After reading your poem that resounded through my mind.

It was peaceful, you whispered in my ear and I heard you.

I think if Robert were still here he would forgive me.

Answer 7

I was going to ask who Al was, until I saw the additional details....

Rhyme or not I really do love this!

(Don't you love it when a plan comes together?)

Answer 8

Just call it a "Monogood"  Well said and I am sure you will shortly correct.  Pen in jar, travel to a bar?  Probably not!  I would be inclined to maybe just leave as is for it is good.

Answer 9

I agree with silver bells. I love poetry with a peaceful ending. Happiness is hard to find, it surely does come from within. Discovering that you were here for a reason, and discovering that everyone on earth has a gift, mostly uncovered by fear or rejection.

May I add this? God don't make no mistakes, we are all made uniquely if only we would love WHO we are and not try to be someone else.Took me til I was 40 years old to discover this, hope it don't take you young ones that long.Peace and love.

Answer 10

No words of praise, just a standing ovation.

Robert

Answer 11

"Hi!",

Done well!

All lines consist of 8 Syllables.

verse 2? Hand, Land, Mars, Stars....

Isn't every verse meant to have the same Rhyme them like Sptfyr example?

All yours except verse 2, rhyme theme is consistent with each line within each verse Rhyming.

Either way, you did a great job. I loved it.

WELL DONE!

Cheers. : )

I am going to give it a go, sometime today.

Great correction! : )

Answer 12

Lovely, floats along as a refrain.

Answer 13

Not professional as most here on yahoo, but do know this sounds good to my ears and the message is clear!! You just got an A+  (remember the old school days)  Cheers!!

Answer 14

You've done a superb job with the monotetra.  I love your songs of Mars and this is no exception.  This is such a fun and enjoyable form, but I'm not the one who originally introduced it.  You can thank Eva for that.  I'm glad that I was able to inspire you since you are usually my inspiration.  You're a skilled and talented writer and I very much enjoy your art.  Pen on friend :)

***I was so focused on the message that I didn't even notice that the rhyme was off...my brain is not entirely here.