Inspired by Sptfyr. My first ever Monotetra. meant to be educational?

Question

What do you think. This poem I would like to keep. Please highlight faults. Cheers : )

http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=253

Sun: By Tia Metcher

Held tightly in Orion’s arm,

Ancient relics believe ones charm,

Over looking Egyptian Sharm,

The Sun can harm, The Sun can harm,

Glitter spread upon opal plight,

Beneath ecliptic skies of night,

Providing ultra-violet light,

It is so bright, it is so bright,

Travel by Apex to Vega,

Hercules our great reign mega,

Reflecting its glow of Strega,

Sun is omega, Sun is omega.

I was thinking of changing the mega and omega around. What do you think?

Answer 1

Crikey - you don't do things by half.  There is me searching around for the simplest of rhyme sound to enable me as much freedom as I can get in the creativity zone....and you choose Vega!!! So difficult to get sense and rhyme with such a hard choice.

Well done.

Answer 2

It's great, you've done a wonderful job with the monotetra.  Switching mega and omega will fix the final line, but you will have one extra syllable in the "Hercules" line...maybe if you remove the word "our"...Hercules; great reign omega.

You are a quick learner...I hope to see much more from you.

Keep up the great work and never stop writing. :)

***well done on the edit...flows beautifully.

Answer 3

The last version flows to me.  Nice job, my compliments.  Now did you know all those stars before?

Answer 4

It sounds good and it's all most perfect.........??

The last line has 10 syllables. It`s suppose to have8, right?

I went to the link, again thanks for teaching me a new form. Your absolutely the best! What would I do without you? Your like my own little y!a professor of poetry.

@Yeah Galactia it sounds much better now! Great Job with this poem! I give you a A+! (A student giving her teacher a A+, now that`s very funny. lol)