Instead of adopting a baby?

Question

Why are prospective parents not encouraged to adopt older children? There are so many older kids who need loving homes, but for the most part they are lucky if they can find a decent foster home let alone a family for life.

Answer 1

Sometimes parents are, often actually. MANY parents (whether they admit it or not) are more interested in adopting a baby. It's understandable, I think. First, and probably for most, it is harder to develop a relationship with an older child, at least as far as parent/child relationships. Yes, you can be a caregiver, but you can't always be a mother or a father; that roll might be filled, or might be a title a child associates with awful things in their life. When people adopt, they are looking to have their own child; they usually want that title. In addition to this, many people who adopt babies these days are screened by the parents, and they get to screen the parents. They are usually aware of health conditions and things like that. With older children, familial health history is usually not available.

As far as adoption agencies not encouraging adopting older kids, there are reasons for that as well. A lot of people who adopt are first time parents; it's important that they can establish a bond with the child. It can be hard when the child gets older. Adoption agencies recognize this. Also, a lot of older children have emotional problems (not always extreme, but almost always there), and for first time parents, it’s just a lot to put on them.

I suppose the bottom line is, if you have found a family that is fit to adopt children, you don't really want to push them. If they feel like they are being pressured in one way or another, they might decide not to adopt. Then no child gets a home, and they really don't want that.

I do think it’s sad. When I am ready to "have" kids, I am hoping to adopt. I really would not be opposed to adopting an older child; especially knowing how much harder it is to place them. I think if you feel a connection with a child, titles and health concerns just become less important; you fall in love with the child. At least, I hope that’s how it works.

(Just a little side note to the person who asked why people adopt outside of the US: The adoption system within the U.S. is an extremely time consuming, and often painful process, for most parents. I can tell you my brother has been in the process of trying to adopt for 3 years. A good portion of this time was the agency deciding if his wife and he were fit for parenting, if they were financially ready, safe house etc. Following that is finding a child. This takes a while. They found one baby that seemed to fit. The mother changed her mind while paperwork was being drawn up, and that was it. It is really hard to get an ironclad adoption in the U.S. It seems like there are always loopholes for parents to change their mind. Adopting outside the U.S. is also much faster, at least in 3rd world countries. When a person decides they want to have a child, they normally wait 9 months after conception; adoption can take years upon years. That’s not easy for a person, once they have committed to starting a family. In my brothers case, they can’t conceive, that is why they are looking to adopt. They are now in their 30’s, and don’t want to be 60 when their children graduate from high school.

It’s strange that most people can go out and have a child, and no qualifications have to met, but if you want to give a home and love to a child that you did not have, you have to go through rigorous testing to determine if you are qualified. It’s quite strange.)

Answer 2

They are encouraged to but most don't want one.   They want the child to be young enough not   remeber  their birth parent and make them the only parent they have ever known.  They are trying to increase the bond. Also older kids have been raised GOD knows how then you need to train them to your life style. Finally many have never been parents and want to go through the baby thing.  

As for me my wife and i want an older child but not older than 5 we have our own baby and went through that with her.  So we are trying to get an older child around her age.   There is a desprate need for adoptive parents for p*****n like 10 11 12 and teens but we just can't go there.  They are practically begging for people to take teens and or siblling groups but we just want one more and we want a little one

Answer 3

Well, let me start of by saying I agree with you. There are several older children that need loving homes. Now having said that , as a person who has worked with foster/adoptive parents, older children are more difficult ...at least in my experience. They have their own set in personalities, set in there ways, hurt feelings, emotional issues as they tend to remember things, nightmares and i could go on. With a new born, you can basically start from scratch if you will. You can instill in them the morals you want them to have and more than likely, there is a greater chance that they will not remember or have to deal with emotional baggage. It is unfair but a child is a lot of work and I think it would be a difficult decision to knowingly take on such a challenge.

Answer 4

some people adopt outside of the u.s because they want to help out like in africa or because they want kids thats not in the u.s. i think it is good to adopt because it gives the kids who are foster a chance to see a real family and someone who loves them

Answer 5

I think they understand that the older children are going to have issues due to the emotional trauma and are afraid of the risks!  I am a foster parent and I'm fixing to adopt a 5month old and his older sister who's 2.  but I have had nearly 30 kids in my home that could have been adopted that we just couldn't commit too!!!   I think it's a great idea and we are not closed to it but it's hard to find a child that fits your family, we already have 2 children of our own so we also have their needs to consider!!!

Answer 6

When we started researching adoption we looked into adopting from foster care. We found that most of the kids who's parent's parental rights were already severed, were older then 8 years old, part of a large sibling group, and/ or had emotional or other 'special needs'. I was only 24, we were going to be first time parents, and didn't feel that at that point inour lives we could meet the needs of one of these older children.

  We knew that there are more couples waiting in the US to adopt a "healthy" infant then there are mothers who place there children for adoption, and we really wanted to adopt a child who truely needed a home. We decided to adopt internationally, and were open to things that make a child "harder to place", but that we knew we could handle.

  A lot of people criticize those who adopt a baby internationally, rather then adopting an older American child, but I think every family should do what's right for them, and their future child, and not adopt a child who's needs they can't meet just to make other people happy, because that wouldn't be in the best interest of the child at all.

  We do actaully plan to adopt at least one older child from fostercare once our children are much older. By then we should have the experience of raising older kids, and be at a place in our lives where we can devote more time to helping our older child deal with any issues they may have. I really don't think that we would have been ready for this when we adopted our first child.

Answer 7

"I want to adopt a human."  

There, that leaves the discussion for ages wide open, doesn't it?  I feel the same way about dogs.  Why doesn't anyone want to adopt an adult dog?  It's so much easier and they're just as wonderful as puppies.

Answer 8

One answer might be to give parents a priority for adopting a baby  if they have a successful record of  fostering older kids or giving a discount or free IVF treatment to parents who undertake to foster or adopt an older child?

Answer 9

People are encouraged to adopt older children-  the thing is, is that older children come with lots of "baggage" emotional issues, and sometimes physical special needs.   Lots of them have siblings that they want to keep together....  adopting 12 and 14 year old boys that have been abused is a lot different than adopting an infant with no past.  It's so much more difficult to bond with a child that has been through so much-  it takes a very special couple to be able to deal with those issues and make a family with special children like that.

Answer 10

Hi Petra,

That's good question.  Not only that, I want to ask "Why they adopt the babies from out side U.S?"  "Why they can't adopt within U.S?"

I guess they want to have experience in raising the baby on their own when the child is in the precious stage.

I would love to adopt brother/sister for my son if I have ability to take care of him/her.

Answer 11

I had two children of my own after many years of trying and surgeries.  I lost one to cancer at 18 months and the other is now nine.  I hate to have her grow up without siblings and I love children so much.  I can no longer have any of my own so I am a foster to adopt parent.  There is nothing more rewarding than this.  I have to admit it breaks my heart when they leave though.  These kids come to me as young as newborn, most from neglect.  They come timid, and you can see a dark hollowness in their eyes that goes away with love, hugs and kisses.  They feel secure and loved.  Most parents looking to adopt are looking to share all this love that they have inside anyway, this is a win/win situation for everyone.  Best of all, if a child is brought to your home, usually it's long term with a chance to adopt, so you can see how you do.  If they child is not right for you or your family they find them another home.

It's a quicker process they conventional adoption and so rewarding.

Answer 12

Hi Petra! I have no idea why more prospective parents don't open their homes to older kids, but I can take a random guess . . .

Maybe it's societal? A TON of importance is placed on the "firsts" - i.e. first steps, first words, first day of school, etc. A lot of parents videotape these milestones, and many end up feeling guilty when they haven't been around for them. I think there's a reason for all this, that parents somehow feel that if they are not  involved in experiencing these “special moments,” they are somehow failing in their duties as parents. I mean, there has got to be a reason that people make such an enormous deal about these things, right? Just look at all the ridiculous baby videos people put on Youtube - for some reason, a lot of importance is placed on those ultimately pointless moments. Maybe as an adoptive parent, one might feel that they somehow failed their child by not being around for those supposedly all-important "firsts?" Again, this is only a guess.

However,  I must say that I DO NOT feel that any parent (adopted OR biological) who is mostly concerned about being able to share cute stories with the other soccer moms about "Timmy's first magical Christmas" or "Sally's first Halloween costume" has their heart in the right place for parenthood.

But, you might be happy to know that, as interested adoptive parents ourselves, my wife and I are looking to become a foster home first, and then hopefully be able to adopt from there.