Instructor doesn't realize I am growing up?

Question

I am soon to be 16. I can legaly drive without an adult present. I am in 10th grade. The problem is my karate instructor does not seem to realize this. When we travle as a group to see some demo group and I walk maybe 5 feet ahead of her I get "slow down come walk by me" I guess you could say she thinks of me as her daughter. My mother died when I was 2 and I started training with her when I was 4. But now we argue about everything especially what I wear basicaly if my skirt doesn't come past my knees and my shirt isn't buttoned all the way we start arguing. Don't get me wrong I don't dress like a s**t. Even though I am 16 she makes my dad sign me in and out of class. (that is her thing not any policy). I feel like I am 12. I guess part of it is I don't act my age- I don't drink smoke ingage in sexual activity or swear. I have tried talking to her but it always comes out wrong and I sound ungratful for everything that she has done for me. Please HELP! Don't want to be 12 anymore.

Answer 1

I can completely understand her wanting you to walk by her when you're out and about and also her needing your dad to sign you in and out of class. She's just being responsible. When children are in the care of someone else aside from their parents it's that person's job to make sure the children are taken care of.

Lets say she dropped the signing you and in and out policy. What happens when your father comes looking for you and she cannot explain where you went and who you went with? She'll be in a lot of trouble. What happens when you're out and someone just grabs you and runs? She's only looking out for your safety.

Answer 2

Be grateful you have someone who cares for your well being.

I know what its like being 16, I also know what its like being responsible for younger female family members. They worry because they care.

So just humour the old lady, try and dress in a way that won't irk her too much. Be your own person sure, but don't feel you need to rebel. After all I can guarantee she is more worried about  you than your worried about standing out.

You have to ease these old ladies into the fact that your growing up slowly. Make it easy for them! Your understand when your an old lady with 16 girls to look after yourself!

Answer 3

She may just be a bit of an anxious person.  If I were responsible for someone else's minor child (even one who was almost 16 and responsible), I'd probably be having their parent sign them in and out of class, and if I had a big group of them on a field trip of some sort I would be trying to herd them as close together as possible -- just because it would be my responsibility if somebody got hit by a car or I lost track of somebody.  I actually think it's sometimes a little easier to give age-appropriate freedoms to your own child than someone else's.

As for your clothes, you can just say that you appreciate her input but you're comfortable with what you're wearing and so is your dad.  (Just make sure that she doesn't have a point, and that you're sure what messages you're sending with your clothing choices!).  Try not to get drawn into an argument.  If you keep in mind that she sees you as your daughter (quite a compliment to you!) it may be easier not to be annoyed and drawn into a fight about it.

15 is a tough age because you're technically a kid but getting closer to adulthood.  Keep acting responsible and respectful even if it chafes a little when it seems that adults are treating you like a kid.  I think virtually everyone hates being that age.  But it's the kids who manage to be responsible and respectful through all of that who are easy to treat like adults when they actually are -- because they're the truly mature ones.

Of course, if it's really driving you nuts, you could consider dropping karate or switching instructors (politely, and letting her know that she still means a lot to you!).

Answer 4

tell your dad he will talk to her!

Answer 5

You are at a very difficult transitional point in life. You feel like an adult. You practically are. You are so close to legal adulthood you can almost taste it! But, in fact you aren't. Even if you were 18, your karate teacher might still treat you like her daughter and want to place controls on you since that has been her pattern. You might decide to accept that (as a surrogate mother) or draw away by seeking out another instructor. That would be hard to do and you would come across as "ungrateful", but could be justified by explaining that you want to learn other styles (you could even ask her for recommendations) or experience other settings.

You don't mention your instructor's age or cultural background. If she is much older than you or from outside the U.S., there may be generational or cultural differences that you need to consider. In some cultures young women are to be more carefully protected than we often expect here. Even though she may have lived here for a long time, if she was born and raised elsewhere, she may have engrained habits of thinking about expectations for young women like yourself. This might also be true if she is much older -- say more of a grandmotherly age in her 50's or up. This is something you would need to be sensitive to when you talk to her.

Of course you don't want to be treated like you're 12. We all want to be respected for who we are and what we know. Keep presenting yourself as a mature, thoughtful, balanced person, and treat her with respect as well, and it will be returned. (One hopes!) If not, well, at least you know that you are doing the right thing.

Once you are 18 you may choose to go elsewhere for a while. Perhaps you will go away to college or work. Or perhaps settle down with a partner away from your current environment. Some separation will also give her a chance to see you as the adult you will be when you return to visit and spend time with her. You don't want to drop out of her life, but you may need to spend time away (just like with parents) to get them to see you as grown.

Good luck and hang in there!

Answer 6

She is trying to protect you and probably her students. Even if you are 16 you are still under the rule of your parents (Usually anyway) meaning that your dad is doing the right thing in signing with your instructor.

Also, don't be silly that having s*x, drinking and smoking makes you an adult, it even makes you more like a child.

Be grateful that your dad has two additional eyes to look after you. Also, if something happens to you during a trip with her, it will be her responsibility. If her grip is too tight, talk to her but tell her that she has to listen first before saying anything,

Answer 7

If your mother had lived, you'd be having the arguments with her today. I think that your instructor and you have too close of a relationship. I agree that you need to talk to your dad and the the three of you maybe need to sit down together. Now would be a good time for her to back off and just be your instructor. If that doesn't happen, maybe you need to change instructors.

Before you do that, however, remember that she must really care about you to be this involved in her life. Remember also that she was once a teenager. If,perhaps, she remembers doing things she's not prould of, she could want to keep you from making her mistakes. But seriously, if you can drive yourself to class, why does your dad have to sign you in and out? It's a bit much and either there's something you're not saying or she is being ridiculously overprotective.