International APs: How do you explain what you don't know?

Question

As my only experience is with China, I was wondering what it was like in other countries in terms of info. I am envious of aparents who receive solid info or even have the opportunity to meet the first family and maintain some contact. We do not know anything. My daughter's past is full of mysteries that have me thinking. We bombarded our daughter's caretakers with questions and did not get much, but what we did learn was that my daughter came from a province where couples were allowed to have a 2nd child if the first was a girl or a handicapped boy. They felt that there was a good chance that my daughter was a 2nd child & she was probably given up for being a girl. Again, how do we share this if we cannot know for sure if it's true. She may have been from a different province, but just abandoned in that one. There can be 100 different scenarios. Do we mention these possibilities to her when she's older? Any advice from TRA's with this experience would be welcome too. Or anyone else!!

Answer 1

With my son adopted from Asia I did get good information from the staff at the orphanage.  I followed up by hiring a searcher and doing dna testing. We've been in touch for years now.  Still, I wrestle with what I don't know.  My son's mom told us that she gave him up partly because she was poor, but mostly because his father was an evil man who beat her terribly and she didn't want his child (bad blood).  I don't know what he has to say about it. She won't give us any information about him, not even his first name.

I don't push it, because really it's not my business, it's hers & my son's.  But I do have to prepare him for what her reaction might be when he asks her directly.  I've told him what she said - in terms appropriate for his age.  I've told him that we don't know his father's side of the story.  I've told him that he has to try to understand that the culture his parents live in is different from ours (the bad blood belief). I've told him that besides cultural differences there's the fact that living under tremendous stress, all the time, will cause people to act in ways that are not how they would act in better circumstances (if his father was violent).

Our son wanted answers and so besides telling him what we know, we do explore the possibilities.  We just make sure we are clear between what we were told and what we're just guessing.

Answer 2

I know almost nothing about this situation but I would think there should be an internation adoptive parents support group somewhere.

Have you tried googling ?

Or contacting one of the international adoption agencies ?

They may be able to put you in contact with a group of parents in a similar situation who can share their advice / experiences.

Answer 3

No info at all about our son, but a bit of info about daughter inlcuding a photo of her mother.  

What I tell my children now are the facts of how they came to be in our family (i.e. we went on an airplane to pick them up etc), and when my son asks me things I do not know (daughter is still young and has not started asking yet), I just say I don't know.  Although I add, that maybe one day we can find out, but I don't know for sure.  He accepts that for now because children also say "I don't know" a lot and I guess he relates, but I am sure when he gets older he may want to know more and that is probably the time when we need to do something seriously about it, like look for her.  

I am even contemplating doing that now, I just need my husband on board as he says it is not up to me but my son to decide whether to search for his family or not.  I am just afraid that if we leave it for 10 or 20 years, any trace might get too cold and my son may never find his family.

There is a lot to think about when you adopt internationally, I just try not to speculate too much about their background, as it does my head in and I get nowhere in my head.  I just think, it's probably better to do something and try to find out, rather than speculate.  The fact is we can't tell them what we don't know.

Answer 4

Dear Kazi,

I think it is good that you want to be able to answer these questions and pass as much information to your daughter as you can. Unfortunately, due to the circumstances, it is obvious that you may NEVER be able to some of these things. The people who cared for her before you may have never had the information to give you. You cannot be held liable for things you are simply unable to provide.

Of course this is sad for you and even more so for your daughter. I'm sure this will be something you both will struggle with. Perhaps someday you can help her look for more information. Maybe answers will come. Maybe not. There will probably always be things neither of you will know. It is something that is deep and sorrowful and is something that pains me for many people besides yourself.

HOWEVER, you have her and she has you. Despite the sadness there is still family, still some knowledge, still LOVE. Those things are all very real and very good. Please find some comfort in that and help your daughter find it too. (I have no doubt that you will!)

As for explaining what you don't know, I think there is nothing wrong with simply saying "I don't know." Admitting that you haven't always got the answer can be painful and hard but it is human, honest and respectable - even in the eyes of a child. <3

Answer 5

Well, you could play the "I tried card" or you can invest the money you plan on spending on another "orphan?" to do some research.

There really isn't any excuse for ignorance especially when one is told about the atrocities going on by human rights organizations.

Nobody knows how your child will react when you give her the information that you know. I would just be very careful about playing the victim, if and when she finds her mother as well as stumbling across information on China and adoptions around the time you adopted her. That information is only going to get worse the more time passes.  She may hate your for not going above and beyond and look at you like you contributed to her losing her mother. She may forgive you or she may move back to China to try and find her parents as well as her heritage. One doesn't need to be adopted to realize its important to know your true heritage, look at the millions of people doing genealogy research.  

The is only thing I can suggest that will reassure and  prove to your daughter that you truly had the best intentions for her is to .........find her mother for her now. The longer you wait the more difficult it will be for "your daughter".   Um, good luck.