Interracial adoption...how to deal with family that has a hard time with it.?

Question

My wife and I are going to be adopting an child in the next year that will not be our race. My wife has a cousin that was adopted and not our race. Her family is accepting. However, I am worried about my family. I know my sister is fine with it, she briefly dated someone from another race and has told me herself she is fine with it. However, I am worried about my parents and grandmothers. They were raised in a different time and ALOT of things have changed since then. I am worried my old fashioned parents and grandmothers won't accept my child and become very disappointed in me. This is causing me great emotional strain and has for the last few months.

Any advice on how to deal with old fashioned family members and interracial adoption?

Answer 1

I'm really glad you're thinking about this now before you bring the child into your family.  Good for you.  You really need to be prepared to deal with the issue, so starting now is great.

You should sit down with the folks you're concerned about (maybe even come up with a list of questions and answers about adoption in general & about interracial adoption specifically (kind of a FAQ sheet) to give them).  You can let them know that you're pursuing adoption with a child of a different race and that you'd really like them to know about it and fully support you in your decision.  Let them know that you'd like them to be an important part of the child's life and that if they have any questions or concerns, you're totally open to them coming to you about it.

We were prepared, if anyone in any of our families gave us guff about it & was unwavering in their position (thankfully we didn't encounter this), to distance ourselves from them.  If they can't accept our family then we didn't want to be in close relationship to them.  Any rifts in the family cause by racial differences will be picked up on by the child and won't provide a positive or nurturing environment for the child.

Our daughters know that we will advocate for them in any way we can no matter what the issue.  I think that's an important value to communicate to your child in deed and word.

Answer 2

I live with no family(other than my 2 children) I'm sure your soon to be child can live without one set of grandparent. Mine do just fine without my parents around. it really doesn't matter if they accept or not as long as you do.

Answer 3

I have to agree with Independant.  In my family, no matter what child we adopt, there could be issues.  So, I just explained to them exactly what our expectations are, and explained that if they can't be respectful, non-abusive, etc. they will not have contact with our children.  Simple as that.  My family isn't very involved in my life anyway.  I make phone calls every few weeks or so to say hi, and visit once or twice a year.  If you are close with your family, talk with them about it, and if they are prejudiced, don't put a child through that.  It's not fair to the child.  If you're not that close with your family, I'd say lay down the ground rules and the consequences, and stick to them.

Answer 4

I know it's easier said then done but don't get too stressed over this. All you need to think about is that you're going to have a loving little child who needs you and if you're family doesn't approve then that is their problem.

Answer 5

We adopted a bi-racial child into our caucasian family. Some family members initially were supportive and others had to come around to the idea. Some who were initially supportive have since said hurtful things concerning our child and some have been extrodinarily supportive and loving. The fact is, if you take adoption seriously, your feelings for that child will be the same as with any bio child. If your family said or did anything remotely rude or racist to or about your bio child, you would immediately be up in arms and want an explaination and apology. We have completely disassociated ourselves with a few family members. We love them, we care about them, but when you start a family that family becomes your world and that family is the one you need to protect and care for. I would give up the entire world if it meant protecting my child from labels, stereotypes, and racism. Thankfully, most people are completely in love with him.....as am I. I think most of your family will easily come around once they have met your child. Until then, the fear of the unknown may hold them back. If you can commit yourself to your child's needs first, then great....if you cannot and are not willing to make every effort to see that he/she is protected and shielded from hateful people, then you need to find another route. Take care!

<<adoptive mommy through foster care.

Answer 6

Don't adopt interracial children if there are extended families that you are allowing into this childs life that are "racists" and/or bigots.

Its about the child's emotional well being, they have suffered enough as it is.

Answer 7

We spoke to our immediate family members before we even started the process. (Mom, Dad, brothers, sisters, etc.) I didn't think it was their decision to make, but I also was not about to bring a child into our family when Grandma or Grandpa or Uncle Bobby would not be accepting of them. We were overwhelmed at the positive support and encouragement - totally surprised us. I was apprehensive about my husband's family, but have found that they've actually taken their cues from us, and have read and asked a lot of questions.  It's been great for our family - they were able to express some of their fears, mostly based on misconceptions about adoption. It's allowed us to sort of "educate" them (particularly the older members) on what adoption is going to mean for us and for the child.

I would bring it up before hand - if you're going to be parenting a child of another race, you are going to have to become comfortable (or at least willing) to face the tough questions.  Talk to them, tell them what you are planning, ask if they have any reservations, address those questions or reservations and open the dialogue with them.

It isn't their decision, but if you meet a lot of resistance, you'll have a tough decision - bring a child into an extended family where they are not wanted, severely limit contact with those family members who would not accept your child, or choose to not adopt transracially.

ETA: The answer is definitely NOT to just not stress about it. Regardless of whether or not they "learn to love" your child - the underlying racism will still come through - and be felt by the child.

Answer 8

Don't stress over it.  I have a friend with older parents who hung up on him when he told them they were adopting a Korean child.  Once their son came home, the parents fell in love with him and treat him like all their other grandchildren.  I am sure your family will respond in the same way.  

Good luck.

Answer 9

Kudos to you for thinking about how your extended family's attitudes could affect your future child.

That being said, you may be pelasantly surprised by their reaction. I was concerned about my dad, and I quickly discovered that all that worry was for nothing. You could not find a more doting grandfather.

I suggest telling them and just put all your cards on the table. If they cannot handle it, well, that's on them and they will hve to risk losing you and on the joy of a grandchild, OR, they could very well surprise you.

Good luck!!

Answer 10

Tell them to get over it. We're all the same. Skin color is a silly thing to be fussing about!

Answer 11

Sometimes "old timers" can be more accepting than we give them credit for.  Maybe it would help to ease your concerns if you asked them how they felt, and shared your excitement with them.  You might be surprised.  I'm sure they have concerns, but that is very different from being disapproving.  Right now you are worrying about things that haven't happened and that may never happen.  Don't hide who you are, open up to them and get the information you need.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 12

No one knows your family like you do.  Discuss it openly with them. But when you make your decision, go with your gut.

My husband and I are Caucasian and adopted a biracial son 6 years ago.  At first his parents were upset and did not believe that we should accept a biracial child.  Since then they have become very accepting and protective of their grandson and we are in the process of finalizing the adoption of our biracial daughter and they are ecstatic.

Remember when you make your decision that your first responsibility would be to the child you are bringing into your home, and that you would want them to feel accepted and loved.

Answer 13

Have you spoken to them about this?  You may be jumping to some conclusions here.  Just because people were raised in a different time, it doesn't necessarily mean they are bigots.  

I wouldn't stress about it, but I would open a dialogue.  

However, if it is very clear that your family will not accept a child of another race, you have some decisions to make.  It could very well come down between the choice to adopt and the choice to have contact with your family.  It's not fair for the child to be judged by the people that are supposed to love them unconditionally.

Good luck.

Answer 14

We had similar concerns about our families viewpoints when we were adopting our son.  

We made it very simple.  Family - this is what we are doing and this is what we expect from you.  If you are comfortable with these expectations, great - if not - understand that our child comes first and if you can't open your heart to them, then you need to close your hearts to us.

Fortunately, both families adore our son and we have no issues within our families.

Good luck to you!

Answer 15

Sounds like your family members are adults, who have had their childhood and who have a home.  Sounds also like you are married and should "leave and cleave".  You need to make these types of decisions with your wife and forget what your parents/grandparents will say.

If they are negative and ugly, so be it.  You need not let them ruin this for you.  Set boundaries and make it clear that unless they behave, you will stay away from them.

They have had the opportunity for a good life and a family...this child deserves the same.  They behave or they aren't involved.  It's as simple as that.  And yes, I have been in your shoes and am adopting trans-racially.  Thankfully, my family is wonderful.  Not so sure what my in-laws will think but couldn't care less.  They will behave, as they choose or don't choose.  If they behave poorly, they won't be involved.

Answer 16

First of all, my hat if off to you for adopting a child and giving him/her a loving home!! What is truely important here? You and your wife must live your own lives and I believe that there is a special place in heaven for anyone who enriches the life of a child. If the parents, grandparents dont improve, so what? They may very will come around some day. If not, it is their loss.