Invited to a bridal shower but not wedding?

Question

I was recently invited to a friend's bridal shower. However, given that she is not inviting me to the wedding (which I completely understand as she's not a very close friend and it's a small wedding) I was a bit surprised by the invitation. Why would I want to go to a bridal shower where everyone will be talking about the upcoming wedding that I am not invited to? 2 of my other friends are in the same situation and both refuse to go to the shower or buy a gift. The MOH is organizing the shower but the friend gave her the list of people to invite, including our names so it is not an over sight.

I was planning on buying a small gift to give to the bride after her wedding anyway but I feel kind of insulted that I'm kind of expected to give her a gift (implied by the shower invitation) even though I'm not invited to the wedding.

What would you do in this situation?

Answer 1

If I were invited to a shower and not the wedding, I would attend the shower, give a gift, enjoy the festivities, and wish the bride to be well.

Its not like the Bride is the one organizing the shower.

Answer 2

Bridal shower is for the female guests of the wedding to "shower" gifts on the bride.  I guess they figure that there are 2 different parties and the "friend" party is the shower and the wedding is really close friends and family.  Maybe they want you girls to be a part of it somehow.  However, don't feel obligated to get a big gift.  

Answer 3

tacky.

Answer 4

i think that is strange and wouldn't do it for my shower. Just politely say no and if you still want to give her a gift just pop it off before the day.

Answer 5

This is poor wedding etiquette!  You're good enough to purchase a gift, but not good enough to attend the wedding celebration?  

In this situation, I would not attend.

Answer 6

Since you were going to give her a gift anyway, then you can give it at the shower.  You don't have to go to the shower though, I probably wouldn't go but still give a gift anyway.

Answer 7

A tad rude in my book.  I would not attend.

Answer 8

Etiquette states that you should not invite anyone to the shower that is not invited to the wedding.  That's rude to me as well, but she probably didn't realize how rude it can seem.  I would respectfully decline.

Answer 9

I wouldnt go either as it is clear she is trolling for a gift.  only people invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower.  if she was just trying to be nice and include you in her special day somehow then she should have invited you guys out for lunch or something that doesnt invilve you forking out money for something for her.  inviting people to a shower where you are busy with all your guests is not the time or place to really spend time with you guys.  I think its nice you were planning to give a small gift after the wedding, but after getting a shower invite where you are expected to give a gift, I might give that idea a second thought.

Answer 10

I probably wouldn't go myself. I thinks a bit rude. I see it as she wants a gift and thats it. If you feel comfortable going then you should go and have a nice time. If you don't feel comfortable then don't force yourself to go. You shouldn't feel like you have to buy her a gift and go after you have been left feeling insulted.

Answer 11

Would not attend or give a gift!

Answer 12

sounds like a lame excuse for more gifts if you ask me.

Answer 13

i understand where you're coming from but if it were me...

i'd go and since there's a gift issue i'd get the bride a simple (not expensive) gift and tell her that 'since i wasn't invited to your wedding, i'll wish you all the best now' but that's me, if the bride feels ashamed that they didn't invite you to the wedding then let her deal with the MOH who i'm sure knew that you weren't invited to the wedding as well but invited you there. you'd get to wish her all the best anyway which is good.

Answer 14

You definately have a reason to be a little aggitated in the fact that you are expected to give a gift, but try your hardest not to take it personally. I am in the middle of planning my own wedding, and am inviting 200 people. I will not be inviting anyone to my shower that is not invited to the wedding, but I can really see why a lot of couples do so. My fiance & I are paying for the whole wedding and reception on our own, because both of our families are somewhat struggling financially. You'd be surprised at how much everything adds up to be. It's almost best, when trying to keep a budget, to have a wedding with only family members and a few close friends. You should feel happy that you are invited to the shower. That means, she cares about being your friend, and she enjoys your company. She's not trying to hurt your feelings or insult you by not inviting you to the wedding, so try to keep that in mind. If you don't feel like you should get a gift, just get her a pretty card, and she should understand where you are coming from. I hope this helped at least a little.  

Answer 15

This is a faux pas on the Bride and MOH's part.  They should not invite anyone to the shower, who is not invited to the wedding.  Personally, I would not attend the shower, nor give a gift, especially if she is not a close friend.  I would give a card.  But if you still fell inclined, give a small gift after the wedding...but don't allow the shower invite or anything other than a sincere gift from the heart influence you.



Keep in mind that the sole purpose of showers is to "shower" the bride with gifts.  So hopefully the bride is not thinking that she will invite uninvited wedding guests to the shower just to get more gifts.  TACKY.  

Answer 16

I agree with you...very strange...and rude.  I wouldn't want to go either.  It sounds like they are just trying to rake in more gifts.

Answer 17

If you like the girl, I would buy the small gift and go to the shower (and skip the post-wedding gift).  It will probably a fun event, so shrug, roll your eyes, and enjoy.  From a financial perspective, it will be a wash.

Answer 18

Depends on how small the wedding is. If it's small and almost all family, then i don't see the problem. However if friends and family are going to be there, then its rude. I would not attend it or send a gift.

Answer 19

I would politely decline and not send a gift.  The standard is that only guests invited to the wedding are invited to the shower.  Period.  This bride may not have any good sense whatsoever but you need not feed into it - skip it and the requisite present.

Answer 20

The bride inviting people to the shower who she does not plan on inviting to the wedding is nothing but a gift-grab and is completely against etiquette. I would most certainly decline going to the shower and getting a gift if I were in your situation. This bride obviously needs to be updated on her etiquette. Try to sneak in a way to send her etiquettehell.com. There are some very interesting stories on this site about the misuse of wedding etiquette.