Inviting the spouse of an employee, then rescinding the invitation?

Question

I think I know the answer to this, but I wanted to ask for feedback:

My spouse, James, works with a woman I'll call "Vickie." She invited everybody at their workplace (about 12 people) to a 4th of July bbq at her house, to meet her husband and daughter.

Spouses of employees were also invited. Vickie handed James the invitation and told him "Hope to see you and Jon there."

We RSVP'd, then on 7/3 Vickie called James aside & said that surely he must know that he couldn't bring his male spouse to her family gathering.

She said she invited us to be polite, but she assumed that James and I "surely knew" that I, as the g*y spouse, was not "really" invited.

She seemed to think there was nothing wrong with this. When James's other coworkers found out, they all but 3 boycotted Vickie's party and now Vickie is mad at JAMES because "he" ruined her festivities.

Comments?

Answer 1

James ruined nothing. Vickie gets full credit for her own ignorance and prejudice; she came by them the old fashioned way, she's stupid.

Now to the work situation, James needs to ascertain whether she in a position to harm his work situation, if she is, he needs to confront her and let her know he intends to pursue his options.

This can be an empty threat if that will work, otherwise, the law regarding "hostile work environment"; it has teeth.

Too bad but folks mature slowly and many of them ain't gettin any smarter, iffin Ya knows whot I mean!

Answer 2

Thats a rude scag.

Answer 3

Vickie is totally in the wrong on this one.  Regardless of her personal feelings regarding homosexuality, she shouldn't have "invited" you in front of everyone if she didn't really want you to come.  Their coworkers ought to set her straight- James didn't ruin her party.  She did.

Answer 4

Don't "invite"someone you really don't want to come to save face with other people, they just may show up.

This woman was rude and is bigoted. Who really cares how she feels, she got what she deserved and I am glad that his co-workers backed him up and boycotted. For her to be mad at him for letting his fellow co-workers know she is a louse is rediculous, but really what do you expect from people who think like that.

Answer 5

She is a horrible woman! And a few other things that I will not say.

Answer 6

She ruined her own festivities ~ not James.

Instead of taking responsibility for her actions she is placing blame elsewhere.  You and your spouse have nothing to feel guilty about in this situation.  She did a terrible thing and now she is paying for it.  Hopefully she will learn from her hurtful behavior and grow as a person.

(((Jon and James)))

Answer 7

I couldn't say it any better than Frenzy has done.  I am truly sorry you've had to go through this unpleasantness and all because of some idiot's homophobia.  It is shocking that she can think like this, but far more shocking that she feels no shame in saying it out loud.  To actively invite you and then tell James he should know that the invitation was a pretence, presumably to avoid losing face in front of others, is just gross.

Answer 8

What "Vickie" did was absolutely rude and uncalled for!  If she was really concerned about a g*y couple attending, she really shouldn't have invited James to begin with.  It's just rude to be that shallow in the first place though.  

Sounds like James should be the one upset with her.  But then again, is she really worth it?

Answer 9

What planet does "Vickie" hail from and apparently her "book of etiquette" was written by a bunch of morons.  I'm proud of your hubbies coworkers, they did exactly what they should have....all for one and one for all.  It is now the year 2008, almost 2009, she of course is living in 1959.  She has no right to mad at anyone but herself.  She owes James and You and apology and until she gave the said apology I would not speak to her.  She has poor manners and and be glad that she is just someone he has to work with instead of someone who is a "friend".  She's the loser!!!  Karma is a bit$$ and she got just a taste of it at her festivities.....the rest is yet to come!!!!

Peace & Love :)

Answer 10

*****Spouses of employees were also invited. Vickie handed James the invitation and told him "Hope to see you and Jon there."*****

This woman can't stand her own bigoted self. She goes out of her way to personally invite you two, going so far as to say she "hoped" to see you both there, and then this slap? Miss High and Mighty is so sure of her own opinions and (non) convictions  on homosexuality, she actually believes you both  share them as well (even as g*y men). She assumes you obviously know that it wouldn't be proper for you and your homosexual marriage partner to come to a party where there are children, or Christians, or what-have-you. She KNOWS YOU KNOW how ludicrous it would be for you to even entertain the idea of attending her "normal" party, regardless of what comes out of her mouth. Not only are you something she despises, you should understand you are despised, but should never openly confront her with it. You should just be  content in your self-loathing and with hers. She disgusts me.

This woman is the worst kind of bigot. She is so removed from reality, she thinks you feel about yourself the way bigots of her type think about you. If you ever watched "Six Feet Under", then you know what I mean when I say she thinks every g*y man is a David.

I'm so glad at the way your co-workers responded. However, as you can unfortunately see, it hasn't done one iota of good, as far as changing any aspect of this woman's attitude. Her party was a bust, because of you two and your homosexuality, no way it could be anything she did. Isn't it enough that she has to endure working with you? That she has to share her air-space with you?

Ah, well, what James' co-workers did was worth a shot, though the chances were very slim they would get through that thick skull of hers. What did NIN call it? A head like a hole?

Jon, I'm so sorry you and James have to endure this kind of degradation.  From what I see of you here on the forum, you would be an interesting, intelligent, and entertaining BBQ guest, as I know James would be also (since he is your husband).   :)

Answer 11

Am glad her party was ruined. She deserved it.

Answer 12

I don't blame her.

Answer 13

Honestly she brought it on herself and to be frank made a fool of herself too, showed her true colors that's why she SO mad. I have come across her type myself and had a similar with experience with somebody  who didn't want children at the wedding and had a hissy fit when I couldn't get a babysitter and arrived and wanted us to leave until the bride stepped in, and also put everyone he saw as not on his level IE come from 'the right type of area and background' all on the same table down the end of the hall, he was a right snob the bride was lovely tho why she married him is beyond me. Anyway why don't you have your own party and invite everyone as somebody suggested?

Answer 14

Nobody has ruined her festivities but her own discriminations.

Do not be bother by such behaviors.

You and your spouse did nothing wrong.

Answer 15

It's a shame that happened.  Vicki is uncaring and rude.  If she has a problem with you, then she never should have invited James in the first place.  I wonder if her husband or neighbors had anything to do with it?

You and James are not to blame.  Hang in there, bro!

Answer 16

Rude and bigoted, definitely.  But, in addition to that, what's interesting is that she didn't realize that invitations, unlike some other forms of etiquette, always mean **exactly what they say**.   The invitees aren't supposed to have to guess what they really mean.  Unfortunately, she's not the only one to make this error.

It would be interesting to know what becomes of Vickie at the office.  If she's as clueless on the job as she is about social life, chances are that James won't have to put up with her much longer.

Answer 17

Oh my goodness!  Now, THAT is rude, rude, RUDE .... two-faced .... prejudiced .... down right dirty, nasty and mean.  It didn't even happen to me and it makes my blood boil.

Cheers to James' co-workers who boycotted!

Answer 18

She is an an immature bigot?

I'm glad everyone boycotted her - what a sad little person she must be!  She is **very** rude; you don't invite someone and then tell them it was for show (which is what this seems) and expect their partner to lie to everyone, especially when everybody knows you're g*y.

She's probably scared you'll scar her littler girl; but I think she may already have done so herself.

Answer 19

Vickie is a bad person, don't let her get to you sweetie! I am a pastor's wife and I have a g*y cousin who is always welcome in my home. My husband and I don't agree with being g*y but we have no problem welcoming you into our home and loving you. Everyone doesn't have to agree, but we all must love one another and realize we are all sinners. Vickie is lost and unkind! You are loved very much and it shows through the other co-workers. I'm sorry you were hurt! Mommy of 6

Answer 20

Who cares if Vickie is mad? She is trash

Answer 21

"Vickie" was disgusting in doing this. It was really great that other co-workers who found out boycotted the party. She is living in another world thinking the way she does. In no way did James ruin anything, she did that herself for acting like a fool inviting a normal loving couple to her party than rescinding the invite because they were g*y. She should her co-workers that she discriminates and is a fool.

Just tell James, who needs her anyway, she is not worth having as a friend.

Kudos to the friends who did not go to the party either.

Answer 22

Well, at least you know where she stands. She is only an employee where you work...and an ignorant one at that.

If anything bigger transpires re this episode go to Human Resources . What happened outside of work is one thing, but now this woman is continuing at the work place.

Don't worry about it. She is rude and uncaring....and why would you be bothered with a person of her caliber. Keep your head up.

Answer 23

She's a little behind the times!  Wow, what a bigot.  I think it's great everyone boycotted her party, but ultimately that's not the way you want to get acceptance.  It would be so much nicer if you didn't have to FIGHT for it.

My only advice it just be nice in return as difficult as it is.  She'll get hers eventually!  Now, I think you need to have your own party...  Good luck and I'm sorry about the big, stupid meanie.

Answer 24

Either the partners are invited or they're not. I would decline, even at this late date, if my partner isn't welcome.

Have a good time and please understand that it is THEIR homophobia and not yours or mine. Vickie, as you call her, ruined her own festivities. I'm glad you had the support of the people who boycotted the gathering.

Blessings.