Is Concern Shown for First Mothers Genuine?

Question

Or could it be people fighting so hard for 'birthmother privacy' in fact have their own insecurities over their adult Adoptlings or potential adoptlings someday seeking out the truth of their origins?

This question is in no way meant to insult the fantastic APs and PAPs who understand the need for openness and honesty in adoption ;)

Answer 1

h**l ya

oh ya i do also agree with the sun woman that the super chick should change her outfit

Answer 2

The concern that I have for my son's birth parents is genuine but only second to the concerns that I have for my son.  In other words, I believe that a birth mother is entitled to some things, but only AFTER my son has made his choice as to how he wants to handle things.  He comes first above all.

Answer 3

.My genuine answer is that over all I have no more concern for birth mothers in general than I do adoptive parents. I know it sounds harsh but the truth is my concern is for the kids. I have centered my life around children and what is best for them and the two do not always coincide. As for  BP privacy, I can understand the insecurities of an Adoptive parent, God I cannot imagine how hard those feelings are for an AP to deal with but for a huge amount of adoptee's I think it is in their best interest to have contact of some sort with their BF. This is not including the small percentage of adoptee's who are taken away for abuse or left in trash cans. That is different.

Answer 4

Yes, the concern is genuine. If a birth mother wants her privacy, for whatever reason, that should be respected.

Answer 5

My daughters AP's never cared about me and still don't as far as I know. It has been almost 9 years and I have yet to speak to them by phone let alone in person. Bottom line, they don't want to know me. Do I think one day that might change? Maybe. The statement about accepting a third party passed along information about how your birth parent feels, I disagree with completely. My daughter's AP's were told I was 13, on drugs, a run away and didn't know who the father was. This is who these people think i am. They have thought it for 35 years. Why would you want some one to accept "AS FACT" a statement from anyone who isn't the person themselves. Even if it is a paper allegedly filled out by your birth parent. Since you do not know them you do not know that they filled that paper out themselves. I know my mothers handwriting because I've seen it my whole life. As far as everyone's life being less complicated, huummm. Sounds like someone is making decisions for someone else. How do you know that an adoptee's life is going to be less complicated just because someone else said it would be? I think the Industry does not care, I think they tell AP's that after this is over you don't have to be nice to anyone anymore. I think that there are some great AP's, I think my daughter got great AP's, I think SOME concern is genuine, but most is superficial.

Answer 6

Yes, it is genuine.  I'm a searching adoptee.  I don't know my birth mother or father, but I respect them and I have genuine concern for them.  It isn't always easy being an adoptee, and I cannot imagine that is always easy being a birthparent either.  I respect that fact greatly.

Answer 7

Not only the truth to their origins, but the truth to their adoptions in some cases as well.

Is anyone else following the Columbia Adoptees who have been finding their families through the advocacy of the Abuelas of Plaza de Mayo? http://www.abuelas.org you can translate the site into pretty clear english too.

Unfortunately many earlier adoptions, were based on secrets, lies, and coverups. Thats an ugly ugly truth that nobody wants exposed. Birthparents privacy is all they have to hold onto. Its only a matter of time before all of the general public understands sealed records have NOTHING to do with birthparents privacy.

ETA: woah woah woah wait a minute here ladies and gentlemen I need to call for back up.

Carnie this is your second violation in under 24 hours, we're going to have to put you on watch.

If this happens again ma'm we're going to have to take you down to the station.

That was totally uncalled for.

Answer 8

I am the mother of 3 kids born in my heart and in Korea.  I think about their First Mom daily.  My concern for  her is genuine.  My kids know that they have a First Mom.  I wished that they had an open adoption relationship with their First Mom.    I will not be insulted when and if they decide to have a search and/or reunion.   I will be supportive of them with this.

For those First Moms here in the US, I do feel bad for them that are in closed adoptions or that have had open adoptions cut off by the AP.   For those First Moms who truly don't want to be found, they should have that option.  HOWEVER I can't imagine that all First Moms don't want to be found by the kids that were either taken away or given up for adoption.  I'm all for open adoption not just here in US but internationally as well.

Jen

Answer 9

I believe that birthparents should be able to have their privacy - and therefore a closed adoption (from the adoptive parents).  I do not think, however, that they should be allowed to remain private from adult adoptees.  I think all adoptees have the right to know where they came from and therefore should be able to access their original records.

Answer 10

In rare cases first mothers are shown genuine concern.  In most cases - no.  A quick half-hour's reading on the adoptive parents support forums are very revealing about how APs really view first mothers behind their backs (oh, excuse me I mean "OUR birthmothers").  Recommended reading for any woman thinking about giving her baby away.

Answer 11

I can't answer for anyone else or even apply this question in the context other then the one I have been.....

Right now I do believe it is important to protect our children's birth mother from contact.... I am sure at least our daughter will seek her out.... I can only pray that when this happens birthmom has recovered from her long life, and total of 6 children lost to drug abuse.

I worry my children will find her in a horrible state--I pray everyday that when my children do look for their birthmother that she might be someone she is proud they find. It would be a miricle and it is the only way I can rationalize the fact that I have been blessed with being there all the way with 2 of her children....

I can't even imagine keeping anything secret.... It never has bothered me that there are other Important people in the lives of my children.... We do tell our children all of the truth, some of the graphic details are delivered age appropriate...

It can be difficult to raise children with a healthy idea of a very unhealthy birth parent.... We are just starting to talk about the fact that there isn't a known--or declaired father.... Just know this fact is hitting.

It is sad to hear a 10 year old girl say, "I guess you need to ask a guys name before you have s*x."

It isn't me making a judgement or feeding my plot to own her heart--it is the truth.... and that is what I hope I can help her understand in a healthy way.

I can say that in my life the only ones I have heard talk about birthmother privacy have been the birth mothers.... I don't know why those who do feel this is important are not considered a valid voice....

Answer 12

Carnie, Witch is not an insult.  Try again.

From what I've seen, no the concern is not genuine.  I have a lot of concern for birthmothers' mental and emotional health, and their ability to live their lives free of guilt.  I do NOT have any concerns about birthmothers' privacy.  I don't understand why anyone would.  The child they created has a right to his/her origins, and to have some questions answered.  I don't get this anonymity thing.  If you don't want to be found, then why go through with the pregnancy, give the child up for adoption, and go through this whole process, waiting 18 years in fear that your flesh and blood will find you?  Weird.  Just have an abortion.  That's the only sure way you won't be found.  I'm not a big fan of abortion, but I'm saying if you made the choice to follow through with the pregnancy, give birth to a real, live human being, and then give that human  being up for adoption, it stands to reason that this tiny baby will one day grow up and want to know where s/he came from.  

Maybe I'm crazy, but that makes sense to me.

ETA:  Interesting...Carnie deleted all of her insults.  Change of heart? Hmmmmm...

Answer 13

THe only person's reaction, statements, that YOU can judge as being Genuine are your own..

ETA.. Hold the phone.. I just realized you were talking about questions like mine... the discussions on contact preference that went on earlier today.. .

ABSOLUTELY my "concern" over birthmother rights is genuine.. I am simply acknowledging a VERY few (growing less every year I belive) number of b mothers who prefer no contact as they think everyones' life will be less complicated.. While the adoptee should have access to medical records, adoption files, OBC (which means he'll know the bmoms name, oh well..) The contact preference should be respected..You wouldn't want it respected if YOU told someone that your life is less complicated with them not in it??

Anyway, my question was more to discuss the effectiveness/challenges behind the contact preference form, and how to streamline updating, (not to shout out for bmoms right to "relative privacy")  For the ADOPTEES benefit.. so they could feel secure in knowing THEY had the most accurate info on how their bmom felt about them contacting her...

I never put their rights above that of the adoptees.

BTW.. I am VERY aware that most bmoms nowdays want an open adoption, and I am 100% favorable (I think LOL) to making this legally enforceable.. especially if all parties agreed to it at one point!

In some ways questions like this  appear to be yet another attempt to skew the motives of anyone that is not a like-minded adoptee...Can you begin to see how insulting it is when everything you say is questioned and your motives analyzed by people who have never seen you in their lives??

I support honesty and openness in adoptions.. THat SOMETIMES means telling the adoptee: Your bmother has said she prefers no contact, does it not? IF she said no such thing, the adoptee should not be told that.. if she did, then honesty dictates acknowledging that..

Answer 14

Birth mothers like any individual on the planet deserve their privacy BUT, should be prepared for the adopted child to seek out for info!

Answer 15

I have a ton of respect for my son's birthmother.  I am certainly genuine when I talk about her.

Answer 16

No, I would guess that it isn't genuine for most.

The only time most care about first mothers is in relation to what they can DO for them.  Think how much 'concern' PAPs have for 'their birthmothers'.  Right up until she decides to parent her child--'concern' evaporates.

Her 'privacy' is only of concern to them (APs) as it, once again, relates to them. They hide behind their 'concern' so they don't look self-centered.  But really they want her to mind the agency dictum, and disappear from sight forever.  

***

I wouldn't expect the 'person' hiding behind the avatar with the heavy woman in spandex to have compassion for anyone.  Her bio says she's a 'dating and dieting maven'.  Obviously a joke.  How cruel to mock obese people!

Answer 17

According to the statistics, they are about 5% of the AP's population that care. They care enough about the child to honor their agreement. These Aparents are priceless. There are a number of Adoptees who have been supported by their (A)parents in their quest for their geneology. How lucky these adoptees are! I know that there are some who care.

I know there are some AP's who are an embarrassment to those who want to do what is right for the children. I believe there are AP's  and PAP's that are horrified at what they are learning and may think, "Surely, this can't be true!"

I do know that I came upon a site that was for PAP's and AP's quite by accident recently. I could hardly believe what I read. A PAP was sharing her grief at the loss of *her* baby because the mother.... I mean BIRTHmother, changed her mind. One of the posters responded that there should be .... I can't remember exactly, but something like a "law" or some kindof reprecussions against the "BIRTHMOTHER(S)"who change their minds.

"Lauren's" first mom

Sam's mom

Answer 18

personally?  i feel it's MAJOR insecurirites on AP's.

i don't think, in reality, that anyone really cares about the bm AFTER they get the kid.

they just want a kid.  any kid.

Answer 19

I'm sorry but it's kind of hurtfully when you say AP's have no concern for their children's first moms once they have the children. It's not very nice to group people together and judge them.

My concern for my children's bmom is definitely genuine.

She calls me when she needs to talk and I listen.

She does not call me to ask about our children but I hope she will one day.

She calls me when she needs help and I try to help.

We recently helped her get an apartment and gave her some things to get her started exp table and microwave.

She worries about her oldest daughter and I check up on her and let her now how she is doing.

When some one comments on my children's beautiful eyes I say they get them from her.

I send her pictures.

I offer her visits.

FYI our children were adopted through DHHS.

Their first mom was neglectful and has drug and alcohol problems, she has had 5 children and is not capable of parenting any of them.

We have 3 of them. She parented the oldest one we have for 1 1/2years. She is the only child she has asked about or has had any visits with. It makes me very sad for our 2 youngest.

She willingly surrendered her parental rights I have no obligations to her, she was never promised anything

I do those things and more because she is my children's first mom and I genuinely have concern and love for her because she is their mom too.

Answer 20

First parents get "used" a lot in the politics of adoption.  They also are represented in whatever way will suit the agenda of the moment.  Yesterday, for example, I saw a whole line of responses that referred to first mom's generically as "crack whores," "abusers," "incapable" and the like.  Sometimes, however, they are generically viewed as "loving," and "selfless."  They are sometimes portrayed as "needing protection."   I know how it is as an adoptee with groups wanting to speak for me left and right.  I get the feeling it may quite a bit more that way for first parents.  :-(

At any rate, I understand that Carnie has her views here.  That's fine.  We all do.  But, the name-calling to Heather was just a real unnecessary low blow.

Answer 21

Some are genuine when they show concern. Then some like Carnie use it just to insult and hurt other adoptees feelings. like we are monsters because we have reunited or have searched for our b-families. only time i get upset about b-mom's rights are when people use it just to insult.

Answer 22

For what its worth, my wife Fran was tricked into a adoption..It has destroyed her as a "person"...she is "mentally" disabled"...