Is It Hard for Adoptee Fathers When They are Expecting a Child?

Question

My husband was adopted when he was a few months old (closed adoption) and he seems a bit saddened when we talk about the baby.

I get the sense that one of the most difficult things about the pregnancy is that he is envisioning his birth mother and trying to come to grips with the fact he was put up for adoption.

Maybe,seeing how excited I am and his excitement about the baby adds to insecurities about his adoption?

Any adoptees who are fathers, I would love to know what your feelings are on the subject-did it make you feel bitter toward your birth mother?

Answer 1

Adoptees tend to have challenges at major milestones in life.  It's normal & to be expected.  When an adoptee goes through adolescence, they have a difficult time because they're processing their emotions and their stories on their present emotional maturity level.  When they go into adulthood, they go through that process all over again.  Often when they go off to and graduate college, there's the same issues they need to process at their new emotional maturity level.  When children come into the picture it can bring in the whole process again.

He might want to seek out counseling to deal with the complex emotions he's experiencing.  He is absolutely normal for what he's going through.  Just be supportive of him & allow him to talk about everything he wants/needs to talk about.  Validate his feelings (let him know that his feelings are valid & understandable), don't try to discount his feelings or make them better...he just needs to work through them & then will be able to move to the next phase in life.

Adoption is such a complex issue for everyone involved.

Congratulations on your baby!  Awesome news!

Answer 2

It is very nice of you to be so caring about this matter.  Your husband is very lucky.

I can only imagine that this must be tough because he probably can't imagine how someone could give up a child, since he probably already loves your unbor child more than life itself.

Answer 3

I'm not a father - but I'm an adoptee who is a mother. When my husband and I were trying to conceive it brought forth a world of emotions surrounding my adoption that I had suppressed all my life. It was what sparked my search to find my first mother.

It took us eight years to finally conceive and carry a child to term. During that pregnancy I had emotions that ranged from sheer elation and joy since we wanted a child for so long - to extreme sadness for the little baby I was when my mother relinquished me.

It was so very difficult to understand how my mother didn't fight tooth and nail to keep me - to do whatever she had to do because I was her baby and she was my mother. It's sad that my birth was not a cause for celebration but merely a painful memory for my first mother and the marking of the day I was separated from her.

Talk to your husband and try to validate his feelings. There are a lot of good books available written by adoptees that could help him come to terms with his feelings. There are also online support groups, real live support groups and lots and lots of adoptee blogs out there that might help him.