Is My Partner Playing Mind Games With Me?!!?

Question

Dear Friends, summinks been bugging me for a very long time now about my partner and I need serious and extensive answers FAST!

Well, I met my partner over 3 months ago(on a popular g*y website- Go Figure!LOL), and it was all love at first sight. Infact, we both thought we had fallen head over heels that on his request I moved from London to his place(sumwhere up north...)

Soon, the honey-moon ended. Despite assuring me that neither of us should keep a hidden agenda and was adamant on a monogamous relationship, I found that he hasnt quite gotten over his 14yr relationship with his ex(and by 14 years I mean well over 4/5yrs ago!!!). He still got naked pictures of him on the wall(framed!) and never takes off the replica of the engagement ring his ex once gave him but took back[the original].

To add to all this, he drinks rather heavily every single night[and by drink I mean 7.5% Cider!]. He is on medication for diabetes, and takes Paroxitin(?) for his Mental Health. He used tto be a rather Big Cuddly Teddy Bear, but now almost to annoy me, he would go without food for as much as 4 days straight! And atimes just looks like a bag o bones. s*x with him now is like an Anomaly...Once in a blue moon....And I often dread going to bed and waking up with him because he clenches his fists, taps his legs whilst looking away from me whilst he sleeps. Whenever I try to talk to him about how essential Cuddling and touching your partner every now and again is, he says things that I find very condescending, uncaring and quite frankly hurtful. Now to make the matter worse, I often find him cruising on line and he doesnt even care if am around. When I confront him with it, he tells me stupid tales like how he was only talking to old time friends and not cruising...One night he got drunk and left his widescreen computer on; and after curiosity took the better of me I decided to take a look, and what I found was appalling. He's got a profile and virtually every g*y website(recon.men.com;bearwww.com;bearwo... one on gaydar but deleted it after we had a serious tiff!and so on) and on every single one of them, he is still single and looking for love!!! We've had tiffs where he's asked me to get out of his house on more than 3 occasions, then he would make up with me and being who I am I would bury it in the past.Soon I will be going back to London to Study for the fall, and I am very worried that even if I decided to stay faithful to him he would simply invite another guy behind my back for a quick shag....Please, Without being disrespectful, Could a kindly Soul out there tell me what to do as I am absolutely at my Wits End! A Big Thank You if U bothered reading this!x*x

Answer 1

If all this has happened in just a matter of 3 months, ask yourself, "If this is the type of relationship you want to share with someone." He is abviously not ready for a commited realtionship, and if this is not what you are looking for then move on. What's good for the goose is good for the gander but both must be in the same frame of mind. It doenst sound as if you two have linked a real foundation.  You should be able to be honest about whatever it is that is bothering you.  Most relationships like these are one-sided and perhaps parting as friends would be better than ending as enemies. To every end there comes  a new. Good Luck to Both  Find Happiness...

Answer 2

This man sounds very selfish and self-serving. He does not seem as though he is ready, or willing to be in a faithful, open, honest and loving relationship.  I don't mean to be harsh, but if he has profiles out there, he is either looking to cheat, or just doesn't feel good about himself and needs to see others be interested in him.  

He needs to work on himself before he wil be relationship material.  You my friend, need to accept what is and move on.

Best wishes.

Answer 3

It sounds to me that you are just a handy person to have around for when he gets lonely, when you move to London take all your stuff, make a clean break, this relationship is going downhill and can only mean greater hurt for you the longer you stay.

Answer 4

Both of you need to sit down with each other and discuss the factors of what you both see as love and cherishment. Discuss with absolute honesty the way that you feel and let him express the way that he feels. Try to make a few demands to him that if he really cares and he really does want you to be with him, then he has to see the errors of his ways and needs to reassure you with integrity and strength that this is going to work. Explain that you feel worried about him not letting go about his last relationship and how that is getting in the way of not being to feel the potential in this relationship with you. Tell him that you cannot cope with lies and deceit and you need strength and honesty and warmth to really make it work between you both. Be strong determined and make boundaries to be adhered to, then if all else starts to fail and seems to go awry , then you have to be certain in your true self that it is not going to work especially after you have tried this form of resolution and after the discussions . Be true be honest and be strong.... i wish you all the best and truly hope it can be resolved somehow...

Answer 5

Everything depends.

He doesnt sound like he's playing mind games, it kinda sounds like to me that he just had trouble getting over probably his first love.

everyone remebers there first love, but after 4 and a half years or so, maybe he should be over it by now.

I think that maybe you need to talk to him, like i know you have said that you have tried but if he gets all pissy you have to talk to him anyway. it would make your relationship so much better. you need the communication, then you can develop the trust. You need to talk to him, thats all i can say.

Answer 6

That is not mind games! he clearly doesn't want to be with you............ I think you already know! you can no longer stay with this person, they're dragging you down with them & cant believe you've stayed there this long, do yourself a favour & move on, find happiness elsewhere & leave him to where ever it is he wants to stay. dont think its not that easy, you moved up there didn't you? so you can just move staright back out, he's obviously not that happy with you (your not the 1) & thats not your fault so take the plunge! enjoy your life!!  

Answer 7

I hate to be the one to say it, but if it were me, I'd get away from it all as soon as possible - it sounds like a rather unhealthy relationship to me & you sound like you're worth a h**l of a lot more than this mess.

Answer 8

Wow! What I gathered from your post (and I actually read the whole thing) is that you hate everything about him, and there is nothing good about him. If he is as terrible as you say, why are you with him? Sounds like you just laid out a long laundry list of his faults & how he treats you S****y... So based on that, of course the answer woudlo be to dump him. Is that the whole story?

Answer 9

i'm just gonna be honest.. your partner is mistreating you..disrespecting you too ..

you have to put your feelings for him aside and think about how he's treating you.. he's still in search for others through the net apparently.. he's heavily drinking .. and is violent as i see, verbally and emotionally at the least of it..

try talking to him about it and see if you two can make a change to the better.. and if it doesn't work out, when you're leaving to London you should leave permanently for your own good... the idea of him having someone else over will torture you and he doesn't strike me as the type not to be doing that..  

Answer 10

Get out of it.  You gave up shed loads for him and he's treating you like this?  You're worth more.  Good luck.

Answer 11

Och I am very sorry to hear that you are having such a time of it.

No one can really tell you what to do, you need to make your mind up yourself.  I kinda think you already know what you should do.

People & relationships are complicated, if you really think that this relationship is worth trying to save then you need to be able to talk to him open and honestly.  Without fear!

You are only 3 months into this relationship, this should be a joyfull & exciting time.  There are always going to be ups & downs particularly in the early days as you get to know each other but deep down in your heart you should know if this is right for you.

Don't let the wanting of having somebody keep you with the wrong person as that is not healthy for you or for them.

Good luck in whatever you do. x

Answer 12

I am sorry but i don't think this is a healthy relationship. When you leave for London take everything with you and don't go back as he sounds like he just wants a keeper not a lover.

Answer 13

He's not just playing mind games, he does not know what he wants and until he does he's not in a position to be in a relationship, sorry to sound harsh but pack up your things and go home. Today. X

Answer 14

The fact that he has several profiles that all say "single and looking for love" should tell you that it's over. I don't care if it's online...it's the same thing as going to a bar and trying to pick up men with the same line! It's over.  

Answer 15

I was so moved by your letter and I can hear the true pain you are feeling.  My friend, get out of this.  Now.  You are being abused.  He obviously has deep-seated disturbing issues, but why do you have to be on the receiving end?  You are without question a kind and endlessly giving soul, but if all your giving gets drained by this bloke, you'll have none left when you do meet the right guy - the one who'll give it back to you.  You must never let yourself be diminished by another individual (the pictures of the ex, the drinking, the surfing - really, get out of this, it's unhealthy).  I also get a sense that you actually do want monogamy, so don't go saying to people that you're not fussed if it actually is important to you.  I was in a 2 year relationship that was nothing but a great big psycho-game, so I now know to get out if I see the same patterns emerging, no matter how sweet he or she seems to be.  So. you can take one good thing from this, and that is the knowledge that you'll never allow yourself to go down this path again.  The most important thing is that you don't lose who you are to these lesser mortals.  Are you in London UK or London Ontario? I'm in London UK and my email is [e-mail] if you want to chat some more.