Is My School Essay Okay? Please read! It's do tomorrow!?

Question

I know it's long but please take a few mins. b/c I really need to know before I turn it in. The topis was about a time when you had to make a serious decision & this is called "The Race". THANKS!!

My heart was thumping inside of me, repeatedly hammering against my chest. My breath was growing rapid as my legs started to move slower and slower. My mind

was telling me to give up, give up now. My heart and passion to run were the only things keeping me moving. Not to mention my Mom and brother sitting on the sidelines,

cheering me on. So I kept on keepin' on. I forced my wiery legs to push forward and run at the speed of light. Before I knew it, I was almost neck and neck with the fastest girl.

She didn't even look like she was breaking a sweat. She was completely calm. She kept her eyes forward and her arms parallel with her knees, which were charging forwards

a million miles per hour. I envied that. I had a right to. I bet she didn't want this as much or even more than me. I wondered had she practiced every week for two summers

straight to get ready for this. But worrying about the tall, blonde-headed girl in front of me was not going to do me any good. I then realized I had two choices here. I could give

up now and join the few others who had already backed out of the race, all disappointing their hopeful parents. Besides, I didn't stand a chance with this other runner and her

bionic legs. Or I could finish what I started and know that I gave it my best. I quickly glanced over to where my Mom was standing as we came close to the end. She nodded

at me with a soft smile, which told me that she'd stand beside me with whatever I chose. That was all it took, and I knew I wouldn't give up this easy. Up ahead was that red

line that I so desperately wanted to claim first. This was the time when everyone had to give it their all. Running faster than my heart could handle and my pulse now beating

at my temples, I shot passed the line like a speeding bullet. I glanced over at my Mom one last time. She had the biggest, brightest smile on her face; even bigger

than the winner's Mom's. I came in second, and that was okay. I was victorious!

Answer 1

okay here is what I would do, the things in [ ] are the part I mean, and the things in ( ) are what I would change that part to

My heart [was thumping] (thumped) inside of me, repeatedly hammering against my chest. My breath [was growing] (grew) rapid [as my legs started to move slower and slower.] (as I felt my legs move slower and slower.)My mind

was telling me to give up[,] (;) give up now. My heart and passion to run were the only things keeping me moving[.] (,) [Not to mention] (as well as) my Mom and brother sitting on the sidelines,

cheering me on. So I kept on keepin' on. I forced my [wiery] (weary) legs to push forward and run at the speed of light. Before I knew it, I was almost neck and neck with the fastest girl[.] (!) (add this part in --> My heartbeat quickened once again.)

She didn't even look like she was breaking a sweat[.] (!) [She was completely calm.] (Her face did not show a hint of fatigue as I watched the way) she kept her eyes forward and her arms parallel with her knees. (add this part in --> Her legs were charging forwards)

[a million miles per hour.] (At the speed of light!) I envied that[.] (, after all,) I had a right to. I [bet] (knew) she didn't want this [as much or even more than me.] (even as close to as much as I did.) I wondered(add in a , here) (Add in ")Had she practiced every week for two summers

to get ready for this[.] (?") But worrying about the tall, [blonde-headed] (blond-haired) girl in front of me was not going to do me any good. I then realized (add in --> that)I had two choices here. I could give

up now(,) and join the few others who had already backed out of the race, [all disappointing their hopeful parents.] (and disappoint my mom and brother, because I knew) I didn't stand a chance with this other runner and her

bionic legs. Or I could finish what I started and know that I gave it my best. I quickly glanced over to where my Mom was standing as we came close to the end. She nodded

at me with a soft smile, which told me that she'd stand beside me with whatever I chose. That was all it took, and I knew I wouldn't give up this [easy] (easily). Up ahead was that red

line that I so desperately wanted to claim first. This was the time when everyone had to give it their all. Running faster than my heart could handle and my pulse now beating

at my temples, I shot passed the line like a speeding bullet. I glanced over at my Mom one last time. She had the biggest, brightest smile on her face; even bigger

than the winner's Mom's. I came in second, and that was okay[.] (, because)  I was victorious!

Answer 2

omg that is really good! You just had a few spelling and verb agreement mistakes but othr than that amazing!

Answer 3

What decision was made?  emphasize the decision more!  

Answer 4

Essay is good.  I think it would be better if you described the scenery a little bit more.  Was the sun shining on your face?  Did your mom have a sparkle in her eye that said "you can do it"  Did you feel the pavement as your feet pounded against it?  Could you feel your body become fatigued?  Did you hair whip behind you?  How many people were behind you that had already given up?  

Also, freshman year of college I took English and learned that when you're talking about action, specifically when you're reaching the climax, you should use short choppy sentences.  It makes reading it funner and easier.  For instance...

I could see the line.  It was so close.  My adrenaline was pumping.  Could I make.  My mind raced.  Here it comes.  Finally!  I passed the finish line!  

Short, to the point, and it makes the reader get in closer to the story.  

For the ending, did the crowd jump up and applaud?  Did your body want to collapse.   How did you feel?  

Like I said, great essay and great emotion with it.  If you want it better, add as many adjectives as you can think of.  Remember to paint a picture for the reader.

:)  Good luck :)

Answer 5

sounds good, but wiery should be changed to weary.

also about halfway down you have written ' I wondered had she practiced every week for two summers straight to get ready for this.'  that sounds a little funny...should be 'i wondered if she had practised...' either that or there should be quotation marks around 'had she...' and then a question mark at the end.

but other than that, sound great! good writing!  :)

Answer 6

excellent!!!

A