Is This Poem Good? From The Moment I Took My First Breath...?

Question

From The Moment i took my first breath, to the last moment right before death. youre always right there. yes i know youre right there. and so now when i die, i know i will fly high in the heavens in which you know well. On the streets of pure gold, i have been foretold my feet shall now longingly dwell.

IS IT GOOD? HONEST????????!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

I read, reread and read again..

You are doing a good job but the last couple lines just do not feel right in my mind.. it is coughing them out and saying help them..LOL!

I am not sure if they are coming too soon after the first  bits and you need something in between to give it some more body play with it add some in betwixt those parts and see what you can do to improve it.

Leave from the 'on the streets of gold'  right to the end, off.

Add some more and then see how it is putting it back on..

Answer 2

You need to format it into stanzas. Like this, it's not a poem, just a block of prose.

-------------------------

1. From The Moment i took my first breath,

to the last moment right before death.

youre always right there.

2. and so now when i die,

i know i will fly high,

in the heavens in which you know well.

3. On the streets of pure gold,

i have been foretold,

my feet shall now longingly dwell.

----------------------------

1. Your verb tense changes from past to present in the third line.

2. Your rhythm changes from what you used in the first stanza.

3. Once again there is no rhythm, and now you also change the rhyme scheme. The rhyming was AAB CCD, and to continue the pattern the third stanza would be EEF but yours is EED.

So in summary, your poem isn't very good. I'm sorry for being so harsh. Your words and message are well enough, but you need to learn how to structure your poems and use poetic forms.

Answer 3

You're really good! Have you got a job doing this? If not, I think you should! WELL DONE!  If it was longer, it could probably be published in a poem book or something. Do you have a myspace account. If not, you can make one and get people to see your work. My friend's Mum did that and now her poems have been published!

gd luck!

Answer 4

yea its pretty good not structred like a poem how ever plus i felt it was way too short

Answer 5

It is good. Maybe it would be better alittle longer. And as far as formating it, you don't have to if you like it that way. Claim poetic license and do it free verse. I personally think it would benifit from being formated, but it's your poem. good job!

Answer 6

It really doesn't sing yet, but it could.  Keep working at it.

I find I have to either sing of recite my work out loud.  That always seems to help me.