Is This Punishment Too Harsh?

Question

Our daughter wanted a new pencil/crayon box for the start of school, saying that her old one will no doubt be out of style. My wife told her that the one she has is fine. Then she caught her trying to cut it, scratch it and cut off hinges so she could say it was not good anymore.

It is time to plan her 10th birthday party in a couple of weeks (with friends). Is it to harsh to tell her there will be no birthday party with her friends as punishment? We meet with her today to discuss this.

Answer 1

I wouldn't take away her birthday as punishment for this, but I would suggest you do not spend much money on school shopping this year. She is obviously too materialistic and you need to show her that material possessions are not the end all be all and she needs to be more mature than that. Money doesn't grow on trees and if you don't put a stop to this now she will end up spoiled and only want 80 dollar jeans and 150 dollar shoes in like 4 years.You should put a stop to the materialism before she becomes too spoiled.

Answer 2

Of course it is, you should of spanked her.

Answer 3

a pencil box ? Dang! you should have bought it for her  and she would have not have to plan something like this an let her have the party you would not like if you had your birthday put off just buy it we got our pencil boxes for 10 cents each brand new.

Answer 4

You want to take her birthday party away from her because she wanted a new pencil box and tried to ruin her old one? That's a bit extreme I would say!! I hate to see what you would you do if she did something really wrong!

Answer 5

I don't think it's harsh at all.  Who says kids  HAVE to have a party anyway?  If parents are nice enough to give one,  the child should at least be deserving.  I would dare say that lying and manipulating are sure  reasons NOT to deserve a party.  

Good for you for being the kind of parent that doesn't reward bad behavior.  Obviously we're in the minority!

Answer 6

Yes I do think its too harsh Its still her birthday, and what she did was not nice, but it can easily be corrected When you & mom sit down & talk to her Ask her why she did it, and what she thought would happen because of it? Did she think she was going to get a new 1 just because she destroyed her old one? This is the perfect opportunity to teach her a lesson about the value of a dollar She could do chores etc (whatever you deem appropriate) to work for the money to buy the pencil/crayon box she likes She will get a lesson out of it without being too harsh, and still have a lovely birthday

Answer 7

I think that's too harsh, try and think what you would do if this had happened and it WASN'T around her birthday.

Answer 8

definitely too harsh. And honestly, I think not getting her a new pencil box when she asked was a little mean as well.

Obviously a ton of money should not be spent on something like a pencil box, especially when there is already a perfectly good one, but like someone else said it helps with the feel of the new year. My kids always get new pencil boxes, pencils, new shoes, a few new outfits and usually every other year, a new backpack

It would take a heck of a lot more then that for me to cancel my kids birthday party,  

Answer 9

yes that is too harsh she is turning double digits. that's a big milestone

Answer 10

that is SO mean! you cant take her party away! make her do extra chores and her mom gets to pick her 1st to school day outfit and her pencil box

Answer 11

although blackmail is wrong it does work. i say just get her a new one though. not really worth the hassle of possible failed blackmail. OR tell her if she doesn.t like it then do without one.

Answer 12

I think that it is too harsh. I would sit down with her and explain why you said she didn't need a new crayon box. For a punishment I would maybe have her do extra chores or take away TV or something. I wouldn't take away a whole birthday party because she tried to cut a crayon box.

Explain to her why it was wrong and give her a little less punishment. If it is something she continues to do then I would think of a little harsher punishment.

Good luck.

Answer 13

i would say yes its a bit harsh. i would make her use the pencil box as is for lying. birthdays are not just fun, but memories. you can do something else, say no tv or other punishment. anyway that is my opinion. have a great day.  

Answer 14

NO WAY!! that is not harsh at all!!!  

Answer 15

I realize that your concern is her deception and not the pencil box, but I'm a firm believer in making the punishment match the crime.  In this case, taking away her birthday party with friends (the one party of the year she gets to have) is too harsh a punishment, and it has nothing to do with what she did wrong.  A better solution would be to let her make do with her crappy pencil box for the rest of the school year (obviously) and for her to write a paper about the importance of honesty.  You could also help her research poverty in children throughout the world and help her donate school supplies to children in third world countries.  

Answer 16

is it the first time? is the old pencil box ruined?  have her work (do chores) to pay to replace the pincil box.  

Answer 17

It depends on if this is the first time she has been dishonest and sneaky.  If this is the first time then a simple discussion of how she needs to talk to you if she thinks something is unfair and let her come up with some alternative suggestions.  Maybe she could come up with going to the dollar store for a new box or doing chores to earn it.  Not only are you teaching her that she can talk to you but you are showing her that life is about talking things out and compromising.  If this is a recurring theme of lying and being sneaky then have the conversation with her and add that her lying and deception causes distrust and that has to be earned back.  That if she can't be honest with you with something like a pencil box then how can you trust her to act appropriately at a birthday party.  The most important thing is that she realizes that she can talk to you.  Ask questions like what would you have done differently if you could?  Why is having a new box important to you?  Then handle the fact that peer pressure is not a reason to get something new.  Give her some tools to help her get through the next few years of bullying and peer pressure.  Open, honest converstation is the best tool out there.

Answer 18

For punishment, my mom would have made me take the old one, all taped up with duct tape and stuff...embarrass the heck out of me!!  It certainly doesn't warrant canceling her party.

Answer 19

The punishment is a bit to harsh, but a suggestion of what to do is to talk to her about how her trying to lie was wrong, then suggest that she could use some of her birthday money to buy herself a new pencil box, if that is the way she wishes to spend her money.

Answer 20

The punishment doesn't fit the crime...sending her to school with the old one and withholding any "goodies" after the party does. She needs to write a full page of what being honest means and how being dishonest affects those involved. I did that with mine and they showed me that they actually did learn from it later on.

Answer 21

That's a little harsh - a better punishment would be to let her destroy the box and then make her use the destroyed one or better yet make her use a ziploc bag for her pencils and such, since she obviously can't be trusted to care for the pencil box that she has..

Answer 22

No birthday because of a pencilbox? Yes that is kind of harsh. Now of course she should not have done that but its a pencil box - a dollar at the dollar store! I would make her work for a new one- show her how hard money is to get. But I would not cancel a birthday party over it.

Answer 23

I think it is too harsh, give her some chores or something. I understand what she did was wrong and needs a consequence. But honestly pencil boxes are only $5.00 tops. Most of the time you can get them for $1.00 or $2.00. Kids have a lot of pressure these days and while I strongly suggest kids do not follow the crowd. I let my kids get new pencils etc. every year for a fresh start and positive attitude the first day of school. Don't you remember that nervous feeling every year? Regardless if it is the same school. And if something as small as a pencil box will give her a little more confidence why not let her have it?

Answer 24

Taking away her birthday party seems a bit harsh, but a good spanking seems to be deserved in this instance.

Answer 25

Yeah that's a little harsh. Just stick to the old box for school. If it's broken tape it with duct tape. Pick your battles and remember she is only 10.  

Answer 26

Yeah, I think it's a little harsh.

I'm a big fan of letting the punishment suit the crime. A pencil box is like $1, maybe up to $5 if you get something fancy. A birthday party for 6 pals  is probably more like $50. See where I'm coming from?

She deceived you, but really, it's because you set her up to do so. She was told that her old box was good enough, so she decided to make sure that it wasn't good enough any more. What do you expect? A child is going to think and behave like a child. (I don't see where she lied, but I'll take your word on that.)

If your daughter is so bent on getting a new pencil box, why not let her earn the money to buy one herself? You know, pay her 10 cents for every extra chore she does and let her save up the money.

My son is 9 and this year, he wanted $50 Sketchers (shoes) for school. I said it was way out of my $20 budget. So if he wanted the fancier shoes, he had to earn them. He's been pooper-scoopering the back yard, cleaning out the garage, vacuuming out the vehicles, all sorts of chores for an extra dime-dollar to earn the money. Not long ago, the shoes he wanted went on sale for $40, and he had earned enough money, so we went to buy them. He was VERY proud of himself and he learned a lot about saving to get the things you want.

Give your daughter an opportunity to learn the same lesson.  

Answer 27

Yeah, that is a little harsh. I would make her do some chores to earn money to buy a new pencil box. I would also explain to her that what she did was dishonest and you are really disappointed that she would act like that.

Answer 28

May be a bit much. Birthdays only come once a year. Why not just ground her from something she likes for a week like Tv or Video games or going outside.  I am a strict parent but I feel this is just a bit much.

Answer 29

No birthday party for trying to destroy a pencil/pen box that probably was worth less than $5.00 to begin with?  Of course that's too harsh.  Simply make repairs to the pen/pencil box, (use duct tape to really make it embarrassing), and make her take that to school.  

Answer 30

You're right, it's not the pencil box.  It's the lying and deception.

But what is of even greater concern is the need for kids to be "in style," even when it comes to thing like pencil boxes.  This is truly what you need to focus on, because it is rampant in our society.

So, is there a need to punish the child, or a need to help her understand the insidious nature of having to be "in style?"  It has already caused her to destroy a perfectly good pencil box, and to lie.