Is a Birthmother a Real Mother?

Question

People keep telling me that my birthmother is not my 'real' mother because a 'real' mother is the one who does all the work of changing nappies, raising the child etc etc

Going by this principle does a step-mother who is raising another woman's child become the 'real' mother and therefore the mother who gave birth to the child is no longer a mother?

How about nannies who do the lion's share of raising kids? Are they the 'real' mother of the children in their care? or perhaps daycare workers are the 'real' mothers of their charges?

Just wondering

Answer 1

In all honesty....it depends on how you feel about it.  A stepmother, birth mother, or adoptive mother could be classified as 'real mothers'.  It's just different definition of real mother for each of those.  And each person has their own definition.

As for nannies and daycares, considering they are paid to watch your children....I would not personally classify them as that.  And most have off hours, a "real mother" would not.  It's a 24/7 job, no weekends off.

As the youngest child in a family of 4 children (three of which are adopted), I personally have strong views.  My brother and my sisters are my "real" sisters.  I have never known any different.  We have grown up together and share common experiences.  My sisters chose to meet their biological mother, which broke my mother (their adoptive) heart.  Both chose different type of relationships with their birth mother.  One felt she was her "real" mother.  The other twin felt her adoptive mother was her "real" mother since she had raised her, been there for the heartbreaks, etc.  Now my brother watched all this.  He had mentioned meeting his birth mother but decided against it.  He too views my mother as his "real" mother.  The other woman gave him life in the literal sense, but didn't provide him with one in the sense that my mother did.

Answer 2

I think it is in some ways up to one's own personal interpretation.  Sometimes emotions trump biology.  I know people who claim grandparents, aunts, foster parents, siblings as their "real" parents.  We don't always attach to those with whom we are related.  Many people find surrogates in their lives who are more "real" to them than what they were given by chance.   I think really what is "real" is defined by each person.  I

I have biological parents whom I respect and would like to meet.  But they aren't "real" to me.  They haven't invested in me and I'm not bonded to them.  It doesn't mean I don't care about them, or honor them as parents.  But I personally cannot even try to compare them with the parents who raised me.  They have had completely different roles. For me, being a mother is very different from "parenting".  One person gave birth to me one raised me.  The one who raised me is more "real" to me.   But I value them both.

I acknowledge that this might be very different for those in reunion with their bio parents.  This is just how I feel.

Answer 3

There's a difference between completely abandoning your child and never seeing them...and being a part of their lives...remembering birthdays..seeing them on a continuous basis etc...A mother does those things...and please don't make this an adoption issue....i'm sure there are good people that have to give up their children..and I am not judging that...:)

Answer 4

That's really interesting. I think that it depends on the relationship. It really isn't up to any one else to determine who your real mother is. People always want to help and tell you what's what in your life, but at the end of the day, it is YOUR life, so when people say "wise" things like that to me, I take them with a grain of salt, say thanks, and move on.

Answer 5

Im 36 and i was in the same situation. My dad had custody and met his wife who is still here, and i call her mom, she may not have given birth to me, but she may as well had. She is the one who had put her life on hold to raise and love a child of 6 that had been raised by my grandmother since i was 4. I still refer to the one that gave birth to me as my birth mother. As for the nannies that are raising children, i feel the real parent should step up and be a parent, there are single women everywhere that have to, and just because some have money doesnt mean they can pawn their kids off. In some sad situations, the child knows the nanny better than their own parent, and yes, end up calling them mother. The daycare workers, have many other children to take  care of also, so their time is split between 10-15 kids. I think the personable time between two people makes the bond.

Answer 6

A nanny or daycare worker does not fit those requirements, although they can be loving and influential in a child's life.

I think the real mother is the one that has put their heart into raising the child, with all the challenges and heartaches that go along with the process.  She has earned that title through hard work.

Answer 7

Yes, a birthmother is a real mother, just like an adoptive mother is a real mother.

Answer 8

It depends on the definition of mother, and/or your perception of what a mother is.

Answer 9

The Question is - Is a Birthmother A Real Mother ? ...well my answer would be "is she REAL?"

Then if she is REAL, a REAL person, and a Mother because giving birth does give you that title , I mean h**l planting the seed that fertilizes the egg gives the Male the title *Father* Automatically so its the same for the Mother...Therefore she is

*Real* and a *Mother* so therefore she is a *Real Mother*

right ?

And then the Adoptive Mother is also *real* and she is also a *mother* therefore she is also a *real mother*

Whatever other names you choose to call them because of feelings that you personally have is then your business and no one elses..

But they are both REAL And they are BOTH Mothers

Answer 10

The one you call Mom is Mom. The person who gave birth to you is still a mother. and the nannies, and day care workers......They are mom's support system.......It takes more then just a mom and dad to help raise a child.

Answer 11

Well your parents do the taking care... I'd say your mother is the person who birthed you, and your mom is the person who raised you. It's a fine line, no right or wrong, just personal preference. But the person who gave you away is not your parent.

Answer 12

I would have to say YES. She wasn't made up, she was in your life for a short period of time. Your birthmother was your first mother, the one who gave you life. Just because she wasn't there to change your diaper or care for you doesn't mean she's not a part of you and who you are.

Answer 13

They are both "real." Just as all my grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and brothers are "real." They just have different names.

Now, any "birthmother" that would go through an agency and tell the PAP's that they are agreeable to an open adoption and then doesn't keep her end of the bargain, is morally corrupt. Every agency stresses open adoption and how the baby is affected by the loss of the mother at birth and that's it's important to realize that they need to keep the lines of communication open for the sake of the child. It's critical. I hope the agencies really screen the "birthmothers" and make sure they are open and willing to go through with this arrangement because I just can't help but think how horrified the AP's would be if she just bailed on the child. They agreed to an open adoption so the baby would have the best life possible with the least amount of emotional trauma. The PAP's go through extensive training on the emotional trauma the baby goes through when relinquished. They realize how important it is for the emotional well-being of the baby to have the "birthparents" involvement. If I knew a "birthmother" who just walked away without giving any thought to keeping her promise to the AP's who are RELYING on her... I would ream her up and down. Shame on any "birthmother" who would walk away and not honor her agreement. If she is that selfish, heartless, and cold... I would hope she would let the agency know up front so the PAP's could move on to a birthmother who is going to honor the open adoption request. There's a reason for open adoption. It's best for the baby. If the "birthmother" doesn't honor the request, she's dumping them with a child that's going to have all types of emotional and attachment issues. It just makes me sick to think that someone would do that.

Answer 14

Sure, a birth mother is a real mother.  So is an adoptive mother.  And a step mother.  One type of mother being "real" does not preclude the others as also being "real'.

Answer 15

Your Mother is whoever you love as your mother. None of it is based on petty technicalities. Your true mother can be found by examining your life, and looking at the person you love most in the warm, child-to-mother way that makes all the pain of the world dissapear, if only for a few seconds.

Answer 16

Yes she is.

Answer 17

thta is a very good question.  i am my children real mother from the day i carried them and on, and i stay at home so i know nobody else is raising my kids. although i was not raised but my mother. i was raised by my great aunt and uncle. to me they are the real thing. and just like someone else says  yes she does still say she is my mom. i think being a mom is more than carrying them and the blood line. its the blood sweat and tears you put into it. and not the tears you cry because you messed up as a mother.

Answer 18

Both are mothers just different kinds of mothers. Whom ever says that your natural or first mother isn't your mother hasn't been in your situation and is opinionated without education. My daughter has 2 mothers. One by nature one by nuture. I do not feel that I am more of a mother because I gave birth to her than the mother who kept her alive and cared for her. She probably deserves the lions share of the credit, but BY THE LAWS OF NATURE my daughter is still my daughter, and without me her mother would have no child.

Dispute it all you want DNA doesn't lie.

Answer 19

Everyone is different. Personally, I don't consider my birth mother a mom. However, I was adopted as a 7 year old child and not a baby, so I got to see exactly how a "mom" does NOT behave. Seeing as how I didn't have a positive experience with my birthmother, I certainly wouldn't consider her my mother outside of biological circumstances.

I consider my adoptive mother my mom, she's the one that's loved me and taken care of me.

But everyone is different.  I don't think there is anything wrong with considering your birthmother your mom if that's how you feel. Everyone's adoption experience is different.

Answer 20

Last time I checked people were REAL therefor I don't understand this Question.... I don't know any person who is Plastic or synthetic...

so I would say Birth mother is a REAL birth mother

an Adoptive Mother is a REAL adoptive Mother and a

Nanny is a REAL nanny.....

Am I missing something or have we been infiltrated by Aliens, Robots or plastic humans?

Answer 21

The real mother is the one who does the mother duties and has the mother relationship with the children. Yes, a lot of nannies can be closer to the children than the parents are. Parents can get jealous but that's what happens when someone else raises your kids.

Answer 22

I have two mothers - both very real to me - I love them both dearly (and I barely know one).

I bet the people telling you who is what in your life - probably aren't even adopted themselves.

Too many make this about them - the non adopted people - and not about the person it most affects - the adoptee.

No one has a right to tell anyone how they should feel - especially not children.

Children and adults can love many.

To most adoptees - it's not about who does what part in their lives - it's the sum of the total - the many that have taken part - to make them who they are.

There's as much nature in me as there is nurture.

That's my reality - that's my truth.

Adults should quit with the squabbling over power issues (which is what this is really all about) - and let the adoptee/child decide.

Most just want to love all - and be loved by all in return.

Answer 23

The #1 most important thing for me in answering this question is, what does it look like from the child's pov?  Thinking of it along those lines, the person I grew inside of is just as much "mom" as anyone else who I claim as my "mom" (I do have a substitute mom myself, although not through adoption...she is my chosen Mama, and I love her immensely...she was necessary in my life for emotional reasons, but she is still not my only mom).  No matter how screwed up my bond with my biological mother is (and it is pretty screwed up), I still grew inside her, I still bonded with her, and for some stupid reason, I still seek her approval more than any other person on this Earth, even though I know with absolute 100% certainty that I will NEVER get it.  Plus, I look like her, act like her (darn it!), walk like her, have the same neuroses, same medical history and medical issues, etc. etc.  As much as I can't stand the psycho, she is my mom.  LOL

Answer 24

my birth mother is my real mother. without her i wouldn't exist. I just never called her mommy, only by her first name. i felt that mommy went to the woman who raised me, or did the lion's share in rasing. i never disrespected my birth mother, just she held a different place in my heart.

Answer 25

I think there is Birthmother's, adoptive mothers, stepmothers and just plain old Mom as well. No matter what your mother falls under she is still your mother.

Answer 26

If you call her mother she is your mother.  Some people do not consider the people who give birth to them real mothers, some do not consider those adopting of caring for children real mothers, but it is really up to how the child defines mother than makes it so.

As for real "parents' i have always considered the real parents to be the ones doing the parenting, but I go with real mother and father for anyone the child chooses to call them.

Answer 27

That's a great question, I wish I could answer it because I go through all those things.

I am adopted and I see my adopted mom as my real mom but I'm sure my birthmother probably sees herself as my real mom- so I guess it depends who you are asking.

Same thing for the stepmom. I take care of my stepson full time and his mother is not around, I like to think that I'm his real mom but the law doesn't think so and I sure don't think his mom would agree with that.

I'll be interested in what other people say about this... great question!

Answer 28

of course!

Answer 29

Genes and Heritage makes the birth mother the real mother.

Answer 30

the mother and child relationship is not about genetics, and there is no place for the law in it. my (step) son's mother cares only about herself. i love my son, and yes, he is mine. he has a mother, but im the one who loves him the way a mother should. im the only decent mother he has. the law and other people can say im not til their blue in the face, but they dont know what they're talk about. if you love and take care of a child, and think of them as your own, and you're the only one filling the mother role the way their own should be doing, YOU ARE THE MOTHER. i have my son, and others i have taken on the mother role for. i consider myself mother of five. and no one has the right to tell us (myself and the ones ive mothered) that we're wrong.

Answer 31

The caregiver whom raises the children is considered a 'mom '

meaning she assumes the responsibilities that the biological

mom should have .

Giving birth to a child doesn't make you a mother....the love

,commitment and care you put into the child is what makes

you a mother.