Is a Video Game ruining my Marriage?

Question

My husband says I should be happy that he's home instead of out in clubs or at the bar. Only thing is we have 2 kids one 2 1/2 and one 4 months. I take care of them all by myself as he sits for HOURS just playing his game constantly. When we are planning to go somewhere it takes us hours to even leave the house because he will not get off the game and he'll sit playing the game while I'm left to get myself and the Kids ready while he relaxes! Most times it makes me so mad I don't even want to go anymore. When I ask him for help he dosen't help me because he plays xbox 360 online and says he can't pause. Playing with him dosen't work at all! One I don't have time to sit and play games I have 2 small children to take care of. I always try doing the things he likes and he never goes out of his way to do the things I like with me. And I am honestly tired of feeling that I have to beg someone to spend time with me... it really is a horrible feeling! I went back to work right away after having my 2 1/2 y/o daughter but since having my son I haven't worked. He tells me I should just go back to work and then I'll feel better cause I won't have to spend all my time with the kids(which isn't my problem I LOVE spending time with them, he's the one who has the problem). But we've been through that before when I worked before he told me I should quit and then I would have more time to do everything. I'm not sure what to do in this sitution because I truly believe that he just doesn't care and I feel stupid that I countine to be in a relationship with someone who has no desire to help me with his kids or acknowldge me as his wife. Outside of the bedroom... when he decides to come to sleep after playing till sometime 3-4am I feel that we barely communicate. I think he's being very childish and selfish and I really don't know how to get through to him. I totally agree with the another post I read about finding yourself and before I had my son, my daughter and I would go places alone all the time because I got so tired of waiting for him to get off the the xbox. Now it just isn't so easy taking a infant and a toddler along. We live very far from my family and friends (across the country) I don't know anyone and most days he is the only person I have to talk to but he's always busy playing his game. I relize I need time away from him and would love to do things ALONE but he won't get off the game to watch his kids either. Even when I'm in the shower and the baby starts to cry if he's on his game he won't stop playing he'll just let him scream. I'll have to get out of the shower. I'm so hurt, angry, confused. Not sure if I'm asking too much, should I be happy or are these resonable requests? Most days I don't even want to stay with him bacause of this and when I try to talk to him he treats it like it's no big deal. He makes it seem like I'm crazy and other women don't have problems like this... he always says I'm asking like a little girl and these are high school things. I would really Love to hear what others thought about this situation... and this really dosen't even seem to be everything. I want my marriage to work... we have two small kids together but I'm really not sure what to do anymore or if this is even a reason to split.

Answer 1

Danielle, I am so sorry to hear your story; it looks pretty much like my marriage except that we don't have children in common. I'm afraid I cannot give you some very good advice since I haven't been able myself to solve this situation, but I can tell you how I try to survive.

When we met, I lived in Paris (France), I had a successful job, my own apartment, my car and an adorable little boy aged 9. Lovewise, I felt an emptiness in my life and when I fell in love with him, I thought we would have lived a wonderful life together. I talked to my little boy who said I had to go and live this new life with him and that he would have come to visit me every  vacation, that is to say every 2 months (lots of vacation time in France !). I sold my car, my apartment, I put my job on a leave and, last year, I left Paris to come and live in a small town in Indiana. After a few months, we got married. The rest is almost exactly what you're living : I do ALL the chores while he plays his videogames for hours or reads or watches TV. He barely talks to me and, when he does, he doesn't want me to disagree with his opinions; if I do, he gets nervous and goes back to his solitary activities. The saddest thing is that he can spend hours with his friends but seems so annoyed whenever he has to go out with me; I don't like it either cos it looks like he's performing a task that's bugging him ! I am so depressed because I had this (almost) perfect life in France and I gave up everything to end up this way. I miss my son very much even though I know he's much happier with his father than he would have been here with me. I can tell you I tried many many times to talk to him about the way I feel : sometimes it worked better, but it never lasted long. But I decided that I don't wanna waste my life begging someone to spend time with me; I made a huge mistake, but I know things can be fixed, even in your case, even if you have children. I decided to take some time out, far away from him : in fact, I am going back to Paris, I will be staying at my ex husband's (in another room !), who offered me hospitality and I'm going to beg my 'employer' (the Public Education) to take me back, so that I will be able to rent a small apartment for some time, I don't know for how long. The reason why I'm doing this is because I want him to realize the damage he's caused to this beautiful life that I've offered him; if he can't, that will mean it's over and I will move on. Danielle, you have to find the strength inside of you to search for a way out : I'm sure there is one. He doesn't seem to care for his children, so you will have custody. But, before that, get a job, ask your family for some help. And if your husband cannot see what he's losing, you will have a clear answer to your questions. Some men are not ready for a commitment, they are like spoiled selfish kids. You seem to be a mature and responsible woman; why would you waste your time and your children's future with such a man. You need to find happiness and love; if he cannot make you happy and if he's happy only when he plays videogames, what's the point in torturing yourselves ? I don't know if it's a good idea, but I want to try and see if this break that I'm taking will force him to grow up. Good luck, my dear.

PS By the way, I don't want my husband to feel like my happiness depends on him : when he's on the computer, I go out, without letting him know that he's breaking my heart; I just say - with a broad smile - "Good-bye, honey, see you later !". It's a little more difficult for you because of the kids, but you can ask him to look after them for an evening because "you have plans". Be pushy if he says he doesn't want to (but he will tell you he can't, that he doesn't have time). Don't even argue because you would show him that you care.

Answer 2

i think he's being selfish. maybe the two of you can come to an agreement on the times designated for him to play his game and the times designated for his to play his game. what i would do is go in the living room and sit the kids with him and leave. i'd stay gone for at least 5 hours.  

Answer 3

He's going to tell you every excuse he can think of to leave him alone so he can play his game.  He won't care about anything except his game.

It's not an addiction (technically) but he will act like it is, it is an obsession for him and he isn't thinking about his responsibilities as a parent or a partner.  Kids REALLY need a dad at this time, my kids light up when I come home from work because they know we're going to play games together or go to the park and have lots of fun - and give mom a break (LOL everyone is happy when I come home).

But if I came home and just went and played a video game I can only imagine how selfish that would make me look.  He's ignoring his responsibilities but is trying to turn it around to make you seem selfish.  

Here's my recommendation, it's kind of sneaky but it's what I would do in your case.  The XBox console is extremely sensitive to heat.  So if you can find a way to SAFELY overheat it (careful here don't start a fire) it will be toast and it will take about 6 weeks to repair.  In this time get him playing with the kids and starting to realize that life as a dad and partner is much better than his Xbox.

There are actually articles online about how to overheat an Xbox.

Good luck!

Answer 4

halo 3 ftw!! play with him :)

or **** his brains out

Answer 5

Sorry dear for what ur going through its must be terrible,your husband needs help there is nothing you can do becouse to this point he is addicted to the game en he cant stay away from it why dont u suggest counselling he might agree en try en talk to him,

Answer 6

He's immature

He's selfish

He's addicted

He needs to have limits  

Answer 7

xbox 360 is better than any relationship even if you have children.

Answer 8

Hi friend, i got ur situation.I know how u fell right now.Glad u have very positive response for ur marriage that's shows u are  responsible persons.According to u , the problem was only games(that means he good )Actually lot of people play games for fun, at ur husbands stage its not just fun.There is something missing in his life.May be he dint get what he was expected from you (think in this way).Find out the real problem in both of u ?Leaving him after marriage, kids is not an option

Answer 9

Sounds like he is the one that is acting like he is still in high school.  Tell him that this is a marriage and he is supposed to contribute both financially and help with the household chores and children.  Tell him that you don't mind him playing a couple of hours a day, but this all night thing has to quit, or you are going to take the children and leave.

Give him 2 hrs every day.  Tell him to decide which two hours he wants Tell him that on his days off, he can have 2 hours during the day, and 2 hours late at night after the children have gone to bed.  Tell him that this is the way it has to be, or he has made the decision to break up  the marriage.  Tell him that he neglects you, the children, and the household chores.  Tell him that you did not get married to be a maid and a child care worker.  You got married to have a loving partnership, and if there is no loving partnership, there is no marriage!!!