Is a crappy father better than no father at all?

Question

Please share your experience. My daughter's father is selfish, lazy, and pretty much like a child himself. He does not live with us anymore, but, he is such a bad example...

Do I let her learn from him, or cut him out? Either way she suffers. Mean answers will be ignored!

Answer 1

either way she's gonna be screwed up when she's an adult and all her relationships with guys will be problematic, your best bet is to replace him in her life like a guy friend of yours that fills the void or a stepdad

Answer 2

i guess this is really up to your daughter as she gets older she may resent having someone else choose if she knows him later on in her life. i am not sure how young she is right now. if she is old enough to talk or is a pre teen. so it's really hard to say what to do, if she is a toddler it may be best that her father is supervised while he has her. for now. offer to get him some parenting classes. i am not sure what to say it is just an idea or two....good luck.

Answer 3

I would rather have no father than a crappy one!

Answer 4

I don't think it's that clear cut.  Who says you can't replace him with an awesome step father once you are through with her biological father?

Answer 5

No father is better, until you find a great man willing to step into that role. My stepdad took on that role when I was somewhat younger...

I'm praying that I'll find the same for my son someday...  Because his father is a real jerk...

Answer 6

I had a crappy father.  He was very selfish and was never there for me.  It would have been better not having him in my life, leaving room for a better male role model.

Answer 7

I know my boys have a father I find immature and selfish and feel like he isn't going to be a good example but then i have to look at the fact that he isn't abusive towards them and he treats them ok when he is around so as long as my boys feel safe around him i won't say anything because having no father around can make children feel abandoned as they get older and they can show anger becaues of it.  I know my dad is a a**hole but i am glad that i atleast get to know him and i choose if i want to be around him or not.  If he isn't abusive and she likes to be around him then you shouldn't block their relationship because if you do she may grow up to actually view you as the bad guy.

Answer 8

It's tough, crappy dad, no dad....like you said, either way she suffers.

I know my dad was like that when I was young--he was in and out of my life based on his whims and party schedule (I imagined) and it hurt terribly and affected my relationships with men negatively.

He's matured a lot since then, but I've never been "Daddy's little girl."  But I am grateful to have him in my life now.  So he may come around, even if it takes 20 or 30 years.  It's tough for you to let your daughter know that this is not the right way to be, while at the same time not turning her against her father.

I would've appreciated a positive, loving father figure in my life as a child, even if it weren't my dad--so that's an option you may want to think about.

I don't know what to tell you, I'm sorry.  It's just something you have to trust your intuition on.

Answer 9

He needs to make a decision. He needs to be either all in, or all out. If he comes and goes from weeks to months, she would be better off with stability. I don't know what kind of decisions he makes with her.

My mother was like that, in and out of the picture while my dad had my brother and I.

I'd be willing to bet that if he might agree to a no child support, no visitation deal. I don't know how that would work, but if he is as worthless as you say he is..

Answer 10

I do understand exactly what situation you are in here and this probably isn't the answer you are going to want to hear but it is absoloutly the truth.

'' Its not the parents right to have a child, it's the childs right to have a parent. ''

Your right, she is going to hurt either way, but unless her dad is violent and her interacting with him is a safety issue then you really have no right to cut him out. Any family lawyer will tell you this. Please think about it.

If you disagree and think it's better to try and cut him out, you need to get a lawyer and go to family court, maybe if your lucky, you will find a way to have his visitation supervised but I doubt it. Thats about all you can hope for unfortunately.

Answer 11

i would rather have no father

Answer 12

Your daughter did not choose that man to be her father you did. No matter what your opinion of him is that is her daddy. She probably sees him a lot differently than you do and you have no right to cut him out of her life as long as he is not abusive to her.  Let her make the decision whether or not to cut him out either now or later but give him the chance to s***w up or make it right. He probably does not think you are the best mother either but no one gets a book when they are born and he did not change overnight this was the same man you made your daughter with so must be something good about him.

Answer 13

i went through the same decision with my childs father,he was completely worthless. while he acted like it would break his heart if he could see his child...i let him make it himself. i left him...and told him if he wanted to be in her life that he would have to make all of the effort...we havent seen or heard from him since she was 9 months old.She is now 3.

Answer 14

Ditto what Strawberry said.

Think about it fairly here.  If you chose to live with, have unprotected s*x and mother a child with such a crappy guy, how much smarter does that make you???.  

You may take this as a 'mean answer', but you shouldn't penalize your daughter for YOUR mistakes.  She deserves a relationship with her bio father, and no substitute will ever replace that bond.

Answer 15

when my daughters were 18 mths and a newborn my ex left. i cut him out intentionally because he was the same way..now 13 years later they decided they wanted to meet him and they did and they decided their stepfather was a better dad for them.....it will be hard to do esp when the questions start i know but if you feel thats the best thing to do it probably is.

Answer 16

Unless he's a druggie or a criminal, it's not clear cut. My dad was crappy, but he still had his good side. In my opinion, your role is to encourage and support him in being the best father he can be, if he wants to be one. I think it's his decision to make. No kid grows up in a perfect world. One day your daughter will ask why he is the way he is, then you have to give the best reply you can. "He didn't know how to be a good dad, and was too scared to try and learn" is probably the least harmful, but still true answer to give.

Have you tried asking him if he wants to be her father? You are her guardian, so you have the right to insist he's safe with her, but that's it. You can't, or shouldn't, insist he does everything your way. He's got to learn how to have a relationship with his kid himself, and for him to do that, you have to butt out. A difficult thing for a mother to do, but necessary. Otherwise he doesn't have the room to grow and you create a situation for your daughter where she has to take sides. Either she takes your lead and refuses to trust him, or she has to hide the enjoyment she finds from you.

Tricky, isn't it?