Is a parent doing the *right* thing by ignoring their {adopted} child's feelings of abandonment...?

Question

Does anyone know of any specific therapies that could help a child handle possible abandonment issues with specific regards to their adoption?

Answer 1

Maybe, the child has the right to those feelings.  If they just want their feelings acknowledge and is not harmful to them, why can't they be allowed to feel them?

Answer 2

no, but I also think it's not OK for the child to obsess about it, and letting that control it's life either, maybe helping the child to grow from it's feeling, hopefully making the child, stronger, and heathier....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~EDIT~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...

I guess I should have also said that my mother died when I was 6 months old, and I was past back and forth to and from my sister, and my dad, who wasremarried, and had 4 more kids.....I was raised moslty by my sister, and she helped me, I think to be that STRONG person, and not to let the feeling of abandonment be an issue in my life, because it is easy to think back and wonder why, how come?? and all the other little ??? that may enter you mind....and it's normal to wonder, I'm 34 now, and I still wonder, but I know i'm stronger because she didn't let it control who I am......I just wanted to add that, because I got 3 thumbs down....so whatever...

Answer 3

no you have to address it, otherwise that feeling will be felt for the rest of the kid's life. Try to do it subtley. And ask questions like: Why do you feel this way? And assure them that adoption is permanent and that you love them.

Answer 4

better than endlessly pandering to them and letting the child grow up thinking it is an excuse for misbehaving and underachieving.

Answer 5

No.

Ignoring any childs' feelings, no matter how insignificant they are to you, is a recipe for bad things.

Acknowledgement is my favourite word for this. You don't have to endlessly pander to it, you don;t have to make a big issue out of it. Just acknowledge it, and love them.

My second set of aparents had a big case of fingers in ears..... 'she's ours, always ours, laa laa laa no other mothers.....' etc etc.

Just let the child know that whatever they're feeling it's okay, and that it is always okay for them to talk about it. Even if it hurts you, let them talk.

I wasn't allowed to speak about it, let alone find out about it.

I have self-worth, abandonment, and atachment issues.

Ignoring anything doesn't make it go away, this will never go away. Just try to help your child deal with it.

EDIT:: If you do the family tree thing, good idea BTW, have your child at the centre, with both trees coming off them.

My family did one, and I got a tree all to myself. Because I wasn't their 'real' daughter after they had my sister.

Answer 6

h**l no! Never ignore your children! You should comfort him/her even more so she doesn't feel emotionally abandoned by you also!

Answer 7

Of course not.

A parent's responsibility is for not only the physical well being of a child, but also the emotional well being.

What I have with my son is to keep an open and on going conversation so he can talk about it whenever he wants.

He is also aware that I cannot see my mother any longer (because she died) and this seems to make him more comfortable discussing his loss with me. He often will tell me how he feels and follow it up by a statement like "but you know because your mommy is gone too,"  I believe he feels relieved that we both have the loss of our mothers in common. I believe that all you can really do is keep the conversations flowing and make sure that the child knows and understands that his revealing his deep feelings does not upset you, or make you sad or jealous.

I also give my son examples so that he can see that it is not his fault. For example: There is a momma bird and a baby bird. The momma bird got sick from eating bad berries and could no longer take care of the baby bird. Is it the babies bird fault? (NO because the baby bird didn't do anything)

Is it the momma birds fault (NO because she did not want to get sick).

I can not express thoroughly how important it is to talk to your kids about it, and to LISTEN to them too. You can't fix the situation, you cannot fix what has happened to them, you cannot "fix" them: all you can do is guide them thru the healing process so they don't get stuck in their greif.

Answer 8

Of course not.  The feeling of being abandoned isn't going to magically disappear and resolve itselt.  The parents needs to find out the root cause of the feelings (duh, adoption) and how they came abouts manifesting at this point in time.  They then need to make a hearted effort to find out the history of their child's birth parent and see if they can perhaps find out the history of why there were given up for adoption.

What also helps of course is that you continue to reassure them that their birth mother had to have loved them so much to have given up her child with such selflessness and great love...so that he/she could find a better home and life.

Answer 9

Our son goes to a therapist once a week to discuss the issues of abandonment / loss / etc.  We openly talk about his mommy and daddy.  I believe that if you don't talk about it openly or at least let the child do so...then the loss will grow to not only loosing parents, but the ability to know.

Answer 10

im a kid but id hate my parents to ignore me and abandon me wen i need my parents aand especially wen they wnt to say sumthing its really  annoying i dont think it is doing the right think its doin the wrong think by a mile  always keep you children awair of whats happning

Answer 11

You should seek counseling for your son.  My brother and his wife adopted their second child when she was 6.  She had attachment disorder that caused her to be very rebellious in her pre-teen years.  It was not until they received therapy (they flew in a therapist from Colorado) to help the family that they were able to function as a family.  My niece has a lot of distrust issues and had to be able to adjust her thinking and trust in the fact that she would not be abandoned again.

Answer 12

No, it is absolutely NOT the right thing to do. In fact, I believe that it is tantamount to child abuse. I couldn't imagine having all of these conflicting emotions about identity and worthiness and not be allowed to express them or to be validated in any way.

How lonely that would be.

When it comes to parenting, no one promised us a rose garden, we have the hard job, which means listening to some hard truths. They were abandoned this is fact. We would not have been able to adopt them if they had not been relinquished first. WE can't change that. WE can't fix that. But WE can be the safe place for them to open up about those feelings.

Answer 13

Find his mother and family and support their developing relationship even if that means being "selfless" and letting him go. That's the only thing you can do as an AP.

Just like God can't make him biologically yours, he can't make you a miracle worker and erase his emotions and trauma.    

I think his mother would have more ability in helping him alleviate the pain from it and that's a part of why many adoptee's search for them.

In your case, I would be honest with your son.  That you really don't know if he was "relinquished or not". You only know what a paid off agency told you.

Answer 14

I'm not sure but I would think that attachment therapy deals with these issues.  You have to deal with the source of the pain before you can move past it, so I would imagine that those therapists can help a great deal with the feelings of abandonment.

Answer 15

Acceptance is not the same thing as ignorance.  Accepting your child's feelings means not trying to CHANGE them (i.e. in your other question, you asked how to "not have your child feel abandoned").  It doesn't work that way.  Accept it, acknowledge it, understand it, live with it, become OK with your child feeling these feelings.  When you feel sad, do you want someone to tell you to buck up, get over it, move on, suck it up...?  Most people don't (although some do, but they are not the norm).  Generally speaking, it's hurtful when you try to CHANGE a person's feelings.  It's very dismissive, and sounds as if you're saying, "you shouldn't feel this way", or "I'm a good enough parent to make up for it, so why would you feel this way about someone else?"  It makes no sense, right?

I know that you care deeply for your son.  Just accept it.  Don't ignore it.  Console him, love him through it, hold him, understand that he has a right to his feelings, that his feelings are OK just the way they are.  Beyond that, don't get involved.  Don't try to change his feelings, or make him not have them.  It's not your job to dictate his feelings - it's your job to love him through them.  

Hope that made sense.  (-:

Edit:  With all due respect, I don't think adoptees who are in touch with their feelings are the ones who need a wake up call.  I think people who feel they have to shape and mold their children's feelings into what they want them to be are the ones who need a wake up call.  Not only is it impossible to do so, it's also a very bad idea if you want your child to have any respect for you.

Answer 16

no i do not even think that would be right if it was a biological child. the adpoted child is just as much theirs and they need to listen to what is going on with them. it can lead to a lot of issues later on.

Answer 17

I wasn't adopted, but I stayed with the same foster family from ages 5 mos.-20 yrs. & if I brought up ANYTHING about the birth family, the foster mom would make threats to knock all our teeth out, & she would tell us that she should've left our nasty, filthy, dirty babies where she found us.

& when we tried to express our feelings of abandonment, they'd try to say we were attention-seeking. & the foster mom would treat us like we didn't exist.

Answer 18

Hi, there are lots of books aroundon the subject. Adoptees are often confused intrigued and also walk around with a broken heart, an adoptee may not want to  seem ungrateful, but they never asked to be adopted.

Whatever happened has passed and been done. Therapy may take many years and depending on the age of the child you will need to be pro-active, you should instigate conversations about their adoption, as they may feel that mentioning it will harm your feelings here.

When all is said and done the parent is the one giving the care. But the genetics will never be changed.

You could try doing a family tree, include all the characters from both families, hang it on a wall so that everyone knows that your adoptee has lots of relatives they need not be ashamed of.

Again depending on the age, it may be possible to go back to 1700's with barely a few details. By doing this with your child you will be able to show them that their history and heritage is important, whilst installing the fact that you are not offended at all.

When the child is older they may search, if the child thinks you will be ok with this then you will be included and learn more about the child you brought up.

The abandonment is a very deep emotion and can surface for many reasons. During times of rage or argument you must never 'disown' them. Feelings of abandonment can destroy  the soul and create lots of behaviorial difficulties.

You should try to discuss and plan together the things the adoptee would like to do.

You should support them regardless of weither you agree or not. The adoptee has a deep seated line of thought and will search anyway with your help or not.

You have a privilage there, which many parents don't have, the chance to install forgiveness, understanding and respect for others. Why was the child adopted, why did you adot and regularly confirm that your comitment is lifelong regardless.

What Sofiacat says there about the baby bird and mamma bird etc is excellent way to describe the situ, and I totally agree.

The damage is done and can take 30 years or 50 years to repair inside the adoptee. This damage is about them living a life that they were not destined for.

What if's and maybe's, and this must be talked through a much and as often as possible.

Are there brothers/sisters that may exist out there, are there people who think about your baby every day?? YES you bet there are! So talk it through!

Answer 19

Abandoment is a very real fear and valid issue that adoptees go thro- it's probably still my worse 'fear' in life.  

I will say that it's good that you have recognized it but by ignoring it is not the answer.  You can force him to talk to a psychiatrist but in reality it doesn't do anything unless he's ready to talk about it as he probably is unsure of how he feels.  Don't try to put words in his mouth (not saying that you do) to get him to 'think' he knows how he feels..

The best thing for you to do is let him know that it's okay for him to feel the way he does and let him know you're always there and when he's ready to talk about it you'll be there to listen.