Is adopting with love the most important thing?

Question

What is the most important trait for a potential adoptive parent to have?

A lot of people believe love is all you need to make a child complete, but do adopted children need more?

Adoptees, what could have made your childhood better?

And, yo, potential mammas, what do you think would make a happier, healthier adopted child?

Answer 1

All the love and nurturing in the world cannot take away the pain of feeling unloveable.

The child who feels unloveable (by reason of his mother leaving) is not able to accept or trust the love and nurturing showered upon him.

Tell a child that his real mother loved him very much and he will not believe or trust in love.  How can you love someone and give them away?  From an adult's logic you can see this but from a child's? well, they just don't see it that way yet

Adoption is sometimes necessary.  Alot of times it is unnecessary.  In every event, it is a very very sad-option

Answer 2

I love my a-parents.  They love me.

But all the love in the world cannot fix what has been broken inside.  They can't love my pain away, because losing my mother was the most traumatic event in my life and nothing, nobody, can replace her.

Love is good, but compassion, empathy, and the ability to put the adopted child's needs ahead of their own is very important.  Empathy, compassion, and understanding that the adopted kid might acually love his real mother will go a long way.

But no, simply love will not do it.

Answer 3

There is no one right answer to your questions.

Every parent (whether adoptive or bio) should strive to be aware of what their childs needs are because each child will have different needs that will make them happy, healthy and complete.

Answer 4

As both an adult adoptee and adoptive mother my very simple answer is yes.. As a wife, mother,sister, friend adoptive mother, bio mother, adoptive daughter and bio daughter I can assure you that love is what matters. Although I can tell you I will still make mistakes in every role I am in but none are malicious and everyone one the mistakes I have made and will make in the future know that I really thought with all my heart I was doing what was best. As an adopter what would have made my childhood better... I am not sure I would like to say having my bio-family around but in reality they are around now and I struggle sometimes with the issues they still have. So I am not sure that having them around would have been better. Maybe having known the truth growing up but that is no ones fault my adoptive parents were told to not tell me.

Marsha Is empathy not a part of love, and the desire to do what is best for them even if it hurts you some.

Answer 5

Love and a willingness to put aside our natural selfishness are the 2 most important attributes of a good parent, adoptive or not.

Answer 6

Adoption WITHOUT LIES is the most important thing.

Love is certainly way up there on the list, but  the most important thing is to be honest with your child about who they are, and how they came to be a part of your family.

This includes GOVERNMENT lies... that blasted amended BC and it's sealed counterpart.

Answer 7

They need exactly the same "thing" as you would a child you give birth to.  All the necessities of life, understanding, unconditional love, compassion, forgiveness, etc. etc.

They need to accepted, right from the first time you look at him/her that they are now your child and you are their mother.

Love is one of most important thing.  Love includes a lot of emotions and you have to give all of these emotions to this child "of yours".   When you introduce this child, introduce him/her as "this is my daughter/son---------"  not "this is my adoptive son/daughter".   If you have given birth to children then you must treat them equally.  I say must, but really this should all come naturally to you if you have immediately taken this child to be YOUR child.    You cannot make a difference, in anything you say or do, that would make this child feel different.  Again, if this comes naturally to you then you do not have a problem at all.    Children need to know that they are part of a family, not in any way separated.  They need to KNOW that you feel the same way.  

Mother of five adopted (interracial from birth) and one pregnancy at aged 44 years (first pregnancy.)

All my children are adults now, and I have 12 grandchildren.

NONE of my six children feel separated from their siblings or their parents.  We are ONE family who love each other very much .

Answer 8

I am adopted and I am young so I can give you a great view...first of all love is great and all but you have to be mentally stable and emotionally stable to take on an adopte and second of all you have to know the right time to reveal the news other wise they will hate you for being dishonest..anouther thing you have to be prepared for questions and wonders about what life would be like if... so you have to have love brains and honesty if you have this you should be ok

Answer 9

I am an adoptive mother, and I believe that love plays a large role in raising any child.  But it is not the only need a child has.  Adoptive parents really need to be "with their game" all the time because there are times when you will not know what to say to your child when they ask you questions, there are times when you are going to wonder why you do what you do, and there are times when you may even still feel resentment that your child isn't really "your child"

This is speaking 100% honesty, I hope I do not get "thumbs down" or something for this.

An adoptive parent needs to be more stable than a bio parent.  There are so many issues life throws at you when you have the natural connection within your family, but when that connection is having to be made rather than coming naturally...there will be added stress on the relationship from both sides.  

Also, you never know what kind of looks, comments, and 'advise' you will receive as an adoptive parent from friends, family, and complete strangers.  My husbands parents have almost disowned us because we adopted and didn't wait/try longer to have our own bio children.

There are so many different avenues a family through adoption goes down that a bio family doesn't have, LOVE plays a big part in the entire scheme of things....but it isn't all you need!

Answer 10

Raising a child in the likeness of Christ. With Christ, no problem is too big to overcome. Hopefully I won't get slammed for this.

Answer 11

You also need to be able to provide for the child financially and just be a well rounded person with good morals.

Answer 12

Good Question Sunny.

I think patience and understanding are the most important things.  I want to be understanding when my kiddos ask questions and I want to be open to their concerns and questions.  I want to be the very best parent I can be.  

Of course I will love them... they are my kids. I don't want my children to ever feel that they weren't loved like they were my own.... because they will be my kids in my heart forever!!

And one more thing...  I have seen a lot of adopted children that were spoiled beyond all reason... so I will do my best NOT to give them everything in the world and teach them some of the values I learned when I was a kid like how to be disappointed when I don't get something.  I want my kids to know the difference between being monetarily rich and rich in love & family.

Answer 13

First, Sunny. Are you asking this seriously or are you just waiting for a another chance to unload on adoptive parents? Because as both a bio and adoptive mother, I do have some sincere input that might help others but I am not willing to post just to be slammed.

Answer 14

I've rephrased my answer 10000 times and its not coming out quite right.

I believe its extremely important for aparents to love their children, but I don't think love alone can make an adoption a good one. I love my nephew, but I can't just go and take him from my sister and not expect him to not grieve his loss of her, or have questions or feel pain and confusion. I love my children, but my adopted children are still going to have all sorts of emotions. Therefore, I think the most important thing is empathy, compassion, whatever you want to call it. Adoptive parents need the ability to look past their own wants, fears, insecurities, hopes and dreams and put the feelings and needs of the adoptee first. I know too many adoptees whose had aparents who loved them dearly, but weren't very empathetic or compassionate of their needs. I know too many aparents who have spoken more about what they want and need (the babies name didn't suit us; we closed the adoption because we were afraid she'd take him back; it was too much of a hassle to try to learn to speak chinese phrases; we don't let her talk about her birthmom, because we're the parents now; we don't want him looking for her, it would hurt us).

Compassion, love, honesty, ethics, patience and flexibility. I'd say those are the most important things.