Is adoption a good idea?

Question

I alwiz hear alot of stories/news/comments n advices each time i mention tht i want to adopt a child.

i do understand that its not going be an easy n comfortable ride for any adopted child. no matter how much they are loved by their adoptive parents, they surely will miss their real parents.

(i dont blame the kids nor the parents for this)

im planning to adopt a child n surely i would love the child n provide all the comfort possible. it surely will be a heart break for me IF oneday, my child wants to find her/his real parents.

i realize it comes with the package, n so i wonder is adoption a good idea for any parent-to-be adults n for the kids themselves?

Just an opinion from u would be really helpful.

Thank u in advance.

good day.

Answer 1

I was hoping you'd ask another question about adoption, you already know my take on it so I won't bore you with putting all that up here again. I wanted to say, my parents never told me i was 'chosen' or anything like that, they couldn't have kids so they looked into adoption and they got me, chosen or not I feel that I'm much better off this way. One person posted and sounded kind of angry because she was 'chosen' as her parents wanted a white girl. Adoption isn't that simple, there is a lot a person has to go through, it's not like buying something. Not only that, what if she was black, wouldn't that be harder for her to grow up in a white house?

I think something that helped me with my adoption is that my parents told me about it, didn't try and pressure me to find my birth mom, they haven't forced me to find anything out about her either. They have simply let me know that they are there for me, I know they want me to meet her but they support me if I don't want that. Over the years they have brought it up but I have never felt pressured. If I ask my parents questions i know that they will answer what they can.

Everybody will take adoption differently though, my older brother was adopted and I don't think he takes it as well as me. He is very secluded, extremely smart but I think he has major issues when it comes to him being adopted. This shows that even though we were raised the same, something else is different. He has low self confidence, and this could be a result of the adoption or other things, that's also another thing that is hard to know.

I wrote a lot more then I thought I would, but I just thought this might help. I'll leave with one more point, make sure the kid knows that he wasn't given up for adoption because his parents didn't love him. I know my birth mom loved/loves me, that's why she gave me up for adoption, she wanted something better for me. I think about her a lot and I've realized, giving your child up for adoption is probably the hardest thing she has ever gone through.

oops, one more thing, my parents gave me a book when I was young that kind of explained adoption in a way for children. If you want the title of the book email me and I can look for it, I know I have it around. Best of luck, you asking all these questions makes me think you'll make a great parent.

ha ha, one more, about it being a heartbreak if your child wants to find her/his "real" parents. You have to totally think about it differently, I mean I love my parents to death, they have raised me, nothing will change that. The reason I think about meeting my birth mom is because I'm curious, it's not because I want to get away from my parents. It shouldn't be heart break because if you raised them good, which i'm sure you will, they will always recongnize you as their parent. I don't want to replace my parents by finding my birth parents but I believe that it will help explain stuff about myself, who knows. I hate when people call them my "real" parents, my real parents are the ones I live with, they always will be. All I say is my "birth mother", with me i don't even think about having a birth dad. My parents want me to meet her because they said she is a great person. If you really love your child you will see that he/she may need to know where they came from. Sorry If I ended up rambling. Best of luck.

Answer 2

I'd search your heart as to why you'd be so upset if your adopted child wanted to find and get to know his/her biological family someday. We're still in touch with our son's birth family - both the birth father, and his birth mom's family (she tragically passed away 7 months after the baby was born). If he wants to meet them someday, I'd pay for the plane ticket to get him there! If he has the desire, I want him to have to opportunity to know the people he's related to by blood, and it doesn't make me doubt his love for us as his adoptive parents.

Just a thought...

Answer 3

It is a good idea, Gayathri. But u must be prepared to let the child face the reality sometime or other.

Answer 4

First let let congratulate you on thinking about adopting,i was adopted.and i was bought up by parents who wanted a child ,they also had there own children,my parents always said i was a gift from God.My natural mother could not keep me as she was single..and i was lucky enough to get adopted into a loving family.Even if i met my natuarl parents i would never betray my adoptive parents as they was there for me through sickness and other things in life .I think you will make a great parent and any child who is adopted always is loyal to the adoptive parents .Good luck .

Answer 5

There are many GOOD stories about adoption to.  Go to the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette newspaper (this past Sunday's edition) and read a great story about adoption!  I kept the article and if you contact me, I'll mail it to you.  

Our adopted son is such a happy, well adjusted baby.  He wakes in his crib, and when I go to him, he is standing up, laughing every morning.  He hasn't cried waking up, except in the night for a bottle every once in a while, for over 8 weeks!  I see his bio brother in Walmart and school, and the haunted look of what that child goes through breaks my heart.  I've heard so many stories, but don't have any first hand sightings of abuse, so my hands have been tied, although I'm trying to get help for him.  Being raised by his bio parents seems to be a nightmare!  I can't imagine why she keeps going back to him!    I know of adults who were so thankful for their adoptive families, and since I've adopted, I've become more aware.  A friend who I didn't know had been adopted as a child told me the other day, "he is so lucky, I know because I went through 4 years of h**l with my birth parents, and was in foster care, and then I got adopted by my mom & dad, and they were so wonderful.  I wish I'd been born to them."  Unfortunately, some have had horrible adoptive experiences, but overall, I wonder if those kids had never been adopted, and had stayed with their first families, how many would actually have a decent life.

According to a report I once read on adoption, (the state gives the report to pregnant women who have told a social worker they're considering adoption), adopted kids do better in school, obtain a higher level of education and have better jobs than most.  They have better health care, and overall do not have as many cases of depression and mental illness.  Adopted kids committ fewer felony crimes, although they did have more traffic violations.  There were several different items important in a child's life that were so much better for kids placed in adoption rather than growing up impoverished.

Answer 6

I am an adopted child who was angry.  I was not angry because I was adopted, but because I felt the one person who was supposed to love me unconditionally, abandoned me.  Trust me it has nothing to do with you.  I loved my parents very much and they were really strong and handled my anger issues very well.  Just so you know it doesn't matter how old the child is when they are adopted for them to feel like this.  I was only six weeks old when I was adopted and I still felt like this.  It also comes from just not knowing exactly who you are.  I used to hate it in school when teachers would ask me what my heritage was. You know, "are you german or irish or dutch" or whatever. My response was always I'm adopted so I don't know but my parents are whatever.  That is hard and you have an emptiness in you no matter how many times your parents tell you they love you.  But I always loved my parents and I am glad that no one but them raised me.

However You have to be prepared for the anger coming out on you and stay calm and have good answers. In a fit of anger when I was about 6 or 7 I told my mom that I was running away to live with my "real" mom.  I packed my dolls suitcase and started walking down the stairs.  I know that really hurt my mom, but she kept her temper and replied, Your right I didn't have you in my belly and I didn't give birth to you, but I cut the crusts off your sandwiches and I put the pink ribbons in your hair and I shoo the bees away from you and I take you to school and I took you to disneyworld and I fix your boo boos.  Awestruck I replied, ok ok you are my real mom, but you know what I mean that other lady.

As for the finding their birthparent. It is a very important part of and adoptees life.  Understand that just because they want to find their birthparents(s) does not mean they want to replace you.  I found my birthmother when I was 18. I needed to know where I came from and what kind of medical issues I could possibly face later in life.  I discovered I had two half brothers and was thrilled.  My mom was worried that I would replace her and not be around anymore.  I sat her down and told her she could never be replaced no matter what and it was just something I had to do.  On the day I was to meet my birthmother while I was taking a nap my mom had went through all our pictures and put together one for every year of my life for my birth mother and told me she loved me and to be safe.  It has been seven years since then and my birthmother and I have a close relationship but it is not a mother daughter relationship.  My mom invited my birthmother to my wedding and she realizes that she will never be replaced ever.

So if you have patience like that then I would say adoption is right for you!  Best of Luck! Hope this helped.

Answer 7

Adoption is much better then the homes some kids would have with their biological parents, group homes, and it is better then being bounced from foster home to foster home. And if you plan on adopting from another country, many like China, India, and Russia (just to name a few) have children live in deplorable conditions.

As long as you provide the child with the unconditional love and nurturing that they require, things should go fine. Of course there are ups and downs in any parent-child relationship and theres no book on how-to, but a child knows that they are loved. And when they grow up in a nurturing home they wlil mature and grow to be good people.

If some day they do find their biological parents, thats alright too, I'm sure it comes a lot from curiosity on what they missed, plus these people MADE them. But the child will always know who their REAL parents are, the ones who raised and loved them.

So, yes, I believe adoption is a good idea.

Answer 8

I would say yes you raise hI'm/her and let them know that I'm your guardian an your mom and dad is on a vacation  because they lost every thing but only for a  while  and they told me watch , take care of you and you with all my heart. But they'll be back when ever their plane com and get them to come and see you. But they do love you and they'll be back to see you when they buy every thing  back that they had.

Answer 9

My parents told me I was chosen. I think the "professionals" told them it was the right thing to say. Then I found out that they'd asked for a white baby girl and I happened to be the next available. Oh good, they lied.

I was not chosen, I was not special, I was not a gift, not even from God, I shouldn't be grateful to them for taking me in. They wanted a kid, they CHOSE to adopt. My bio parents didn't want a kid, they CHOSE to have me adopted. I had no choice.

If you want to adopt, research, research, research.

Go on online forums (not just here) find adult adoptees, lots of them and LISTEN. Some are angry, some are not. Listen to both. Don't just hope your kid grows into a non-angry one. Even adoptees with great adoptive parents can be spitting angry (me included).

Read "the primal wound", read "20 things every adoptive kid wants their parents to know" or whatever its called. Read a million more books - Joe Soll's good.

Look into foster care adoption, rather just agencies. Maybe older kids? Maybe a sibling group so they have at least one other blood relative to grow up with. It would have meant a lot to me to have grown up with at least one blood relative.

You can't replace the biological/natural/first/original parents, just like any adoptive child can't replace any biological/natural child you might have had or wished for. My adoptive parents and my b-parents are all my parents, but in very different ways. They can't replace each other, but my life wouldn't be complete without ALL of them.

Answer 10

An adopted child raised knowing that they were "chosen" will not doubt your love.  It is a huge responsibility but I admire your wish as there are a lot of children being left in dumsters that somebody wants.

Answer 11

I will admit, right off, that I'm not a fan of adoption.  Having said that, I do recognize that there are times where adoption may be necessary.  In those cases, I think the best thing is for the adoptive parents to be as informed as possible about the struggles that can face themselves as well as their children.  Being informed seems crucial to dealing properly with situations that might arise.

In your case, I do worry when you say "it surely will be a heart break for me IF oneday, my child wants to find her/his real parents."  While not all adoptees search, there is no way to predict whether your adopted child will search.  If you cannot be at peace with searching, then adoption is not for you.  I don't doubt that you could love a child and be a good parent.  But part of that must include being willing to let go when necessary and providing them support when they make important decisions.  Searching is one of the most important decisions facing adoptees.  You may need to think more about this.

Answer 12

Adoption is a great idea and it does come with a different set of situations you will have to deal with.  I think that most adoptees are upset when they find out they were lied to because they feel betrayed and think their life was a lie.  If you are upfront with the baby and let them know that they are adoptive well before they even understand what adoption means they will never grow up resenting you for beign a liar.  About them wanting to find their biological parents I think that is fine and it should not mean that they will stop loving you.  You are the mom and the one who has cared for them all their life so that doesn't mean they will stop loving you. Everyone wants to know where they came from.  Try to get as much information about the birthmom if available to assist your child when he wants to find his biological parents.  Always let your adoptive child know just how special they are and the reasons you looked into adoption so that he will understand everything and not question you later.