Is adoption all that bad ? Why don't you discourage it?

Question

If going by tha last few pages and the comments, adoption is bad and teanagers and poor mothers should be encouraged to keep the baby. Why don't people opposing adoptions in these cases stand outside adoption agencies. Offer all natural mothers support, like financial, physical and emotional.

Asking their families to support them when they are not interested is not ethical. If my daughter gets pregnant i will not stand for people pushing me to help her "raise" my grand child. I am done with parenting and i have no interest in being a parent to my grand child. If she is 16 and wants to parent she will have to do so herself or choose abortion or adoption under my roof. If you are mature enough to be a mother.....be mature enough to raise him/her your self.

So why don't those who oppose adoption form a group that saves these women from sending their children children to live with strangers permanently. I am sure you have enough support as i can see even on this board. I am sure these tean dependant girls will thank you if you take them in to your home and help them raise a child. Or you can offer to financially support them.

So the question is it easier to rant on yahoo or get up and take postive action ?

Answer 1

Personally, I believe putting a child up for a adoption is  one of the most loving and responsible things a young girl can do for her baby.  And, I totally agree with you about making the teen raise their own child if they decide to keep it.

Answer 2

I have been known to do that. Usually I can find the scared vunerable pregnant women on sites like this and help them parent. You seem very angry. You should get some help for that. I will pray for you

Answer 3

Um...b/c we don't have the money to financially support them. The point is that the BEST option is for the child to stay with the mother. Period. If that is at all possible, then that is what should happen. If a young mother is faced with no support from her family, and can't get/doesn't look for support from her community, then some will abort and some will seek to terminate their rights--often based SOLELY on the fact that they 'can't' take care of the child. An adoptive parent would then come in and literally pay thousands of dollars to adopt that child and take it from its mother. The problem is, had that mother had access to those kinds of funds, she could and likely would have raised the child herself. When a woman is pregnant and fearful of how she will manage, all too often they are pressured or told that 'it's for the best' or 'adoption is a wonderful thing'...etc.

My message is to adoptive parents to think about this fact before doing such a thing. If even ONE adoptive parent reevaluates the circumstances, then I have done something....but in the mean time I also get the word out about the resources that are available within communities. I also work to help educate ESL young adults, so that they have a decent chance of obtaining employment after pregnancy. Ultimately, this is a moral and ethical delimma. At the end of the day--or at 18 years old--that child will want to know what happened....

Personally, I could NEVER tell my adoptive child that his mommy wanted him, but simply couldn't afford to take care of him. I know you say you would have no interest in raising your grandchild, but feelings change and new opportunities arise as the delivery date draws closer. Social services would help your daughter if she wasn't living under your roof....but I highly doubt you would banish your child and future grandchild for a moments bad judgement. If you would banish your child and grandchild from your home, I am sorry if I presumed incorrectly. Most parents wouldn't.....and for those who would, there are still other options that don't involve an otherwise great person giving up their rights to their child. Poor women/teens can get help for their pregnancy expenses and for the first few years of the child's life. We do tons of advocacy, but you can't reach every young woman every time. For as many of us that are in here saying keep your child--here's how you do it....there are equally as many people saying "We are a wonderful, loving, Christian family. We can't have kids, but we have a big home and a wonderful yard and are just looking to complete that with a baby".

<<adoptive mommy through foster care

Answer 4

You've lived your life through your eyes.

I've lived adopted for 39 years.

It was no walk in the park - and I would NEVER subject my own family to that fate.

Many here do much more than you would ever know.

What do you do??

Apparently just wine and complain at people for having an opinion.

You joined Y!A only today - haven't said if you have any links to adoption - yet you waltz in here and tell us what to say and what to do!!

You know NOTHING about how it feels to be adopted - or how it feels for someone to give up a child to adoption.

Until you've walked in those shoes - your question sounds very naive, hurtful and arrogant.

How about you grow some compassion - and come back when you're done.

In the meantime - I'm sure you could find another section to complain about.

And - as to your add - many of us do talk to expectant mothers - right here and other places on the internet - and in real life.

I'm in Australia - where we only have under 500 adoptions per year (most from over-seas).

We're about family preservation down here.

In the USA - over 120,000 adoptions are finalized per year.

That's staggering.

Apparently too many Americans are just like you - they all want someone else to deal with the problem instead of working together.

Way to go!!! Hope you're proud.

Answer 5

I don't think that all adoptions are bad - especially adoptions from the foster care system that provide children with permanence when it is shown that the family of origin cannot achieve stability.  However, as a progressive, I generally look at adoption as a Victorian and entrenched in old school thinking way of dealing with an unexpected pregnancy.  We are a wealthy country, surely we can do better than that.  In fact, millions of families reject adoption and use out of the box thinking to provide for their off-spring.  This is clearly evidenced by the fact that less than 1% of unexpected pregnancies result in adoption.

Actually, I have saved several families who I know from needless adoptions by helping find resources to keep their children within their family of origin.  They all had some bumps along the way but when they look at their beautiful children they realize that the accommodations that they made were a minor sacrifice given the horror of permanent separation and loss to them and the children.

I also contribute financially and organizationally to support a home for young mothers and their children - many of the mothers being former foster children who were abused by our broken foster system.  The center provides medical care, education support, job training, parenting classes, and day care, and definitely NO adoption services.  The center also has a day care center for low-income working families and temporary shelter for people who have lost their jobs.  Yes, the cycle can be broken.

Answer 6

Because

a)I'm pretty poor myself

b)It's tough finding people in my own community who are also adopted

Adoption is not good but acceptable in my opinion if someone cannot in anyway shape or form support the child and has NO family or community support. Your daughter obviously would have no family support! However, depending on where you live she could recieve benefits, there are also schools available for teenage moms so they can gain qualifications while their child recieves care at the same facility (usually the mother can stop over to breast feed etc). I know they are the options but to an adoptee to be chosen between living and dying is quite a burden. The child is a living being, not some old junk you don't know whether to recycle or just throw in the dump.

The child also has rights, so your daughter would be best to keep in contact so the child can ask questions.

This is not a rant, I am doing something right here in yahoo. I am educating people who have questions about adoption and that can make a huge difference. I am not in a position right now to go out and do things for mothers but when I am more financially stable (ie. not a student with no money) I mostly likely will. It is also difficult for adoptees to speak out publicly, yahoo is kind of hidden, we can sit here behind our desks and type confidently, but with the judgements out there it's more difficult to talk about our lives which are very personal to other "real" people in the community. Maybe I'll write a book one day!

Edit: I know who's ranting and it sure ain't me. I talk quite calmy and matter of factly on here. I just say my position on the subject and my experiences, I don't deliberately abuse, judge or humiliate people. I think adoptive parents can often feel intimidated. I feel intimidated sometimes by comments on here, but I try not to let it get to me.

I have time to sometimes spend time on here, especcially at night after I've been studying all day. I answer and ask all sorts of questions not just on adoption. There are many areas I am interested in such as pets, health, family etc. I think taking action can be subtle. Just talking about my adoption confidently with people including friends and family can increase their awareness of it. I come here to see connections with my own situation and share my experiences. That's all I can do for now. I am studying full time, I also helping my parents move house. As an adoptee I am going through problems myself, I am not strong or mature enough to go out and advocate for mothers, I would become so emotionally involved I would be overwhelmed. I haven't even met my own mother yet. At the moment I have problems to do with my own adoption such as my adoptive and birth families preventing me from seeing my birth mother who is mentally ill from seeing me even though they shower me with gifts, fighting to see me. I have problems I have to reslove first before I can confidently go out and empower other people.

As I say, I will do more as I get older I imagine, hey, who knows,  I am studying early childhood education, children are what I am basing my career on so who knows what I could acheive in the future.

Answer 7

You took the words out of my mouth. Well said. looking forward to reading more responses.

Answer 8

Adoption was a wonderful alternative for myself and my girl who I put up for adoption. If my birth mom kept me who knows where Id be or what I would of went through. If I would of kept my girls I would be a single mother of three, high school drop out, and probably on welfare. I felt I made a selfless decision giving my girls up for adoption and wouldn't change my decision for anything. I got my life back. I was able to graduate high school, go to college, have a career and now a husband and a beautiful baby. If I would of kept my girls I honestly don't feel as though I would of gotten to do all those things. I will always have my girl in my heart, but once I gave them up I felt as though they were no longer my babies, they were someone Else's. I made the right decision. Period. A selfless, responsible decision.

Answer 9

Would expect an adopter to come up with this sort of bs.  Please.  Get over yourself.  

Answer 10

You ask: is adoption all that bad?

In some cases, actually, yes. Have you ever heard a mother cry out for her relinquished child? Have you been through the pain of having had to relinquish your own flesh-and-blood?

In other cases, no. In the cases of abuse/neglect (which someone will often throw at us time and again), many of us support adoption completely. We're not saying, "Well, d**n, I wish abused children would stay with their natural mothers" or "Why shouldn't neglected children stay with their first families?"

If you read carefully, we're not implying that these children deserve to be abused and/or neglected at all. Good heavens, no. If they're being abused or neglected, OF COURSE they should be adopted or at least put in foster care.

Except that, y'know, not every case has neglect and/or abuse. Someone is always willing to shoot that retort at us, but what about the cases that don't have abuse and/or neglect? Don't they count as well?

We are trying to convey that adoption is not sunshine and daisies.

"Asking their families to support them when they are not interested is not ethical."

How so? They're FAMILY. Oh wait, no they're not. It's just white-and-red blood cells that ties them together. Whoops. Forgot that blood means nothing in this board because clearly adoptive families are absolutely perfect and EVERYONE (including the "birth mother") is always happy.

Funny how red-and-white blood cells is how a family is actually formed, yet when adoption enters the picture, it means absolutely nothing. Funny how that works.

Of course, you probably won't care about this link, but I'll paste it up here anyway. http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/

It's a blog based on adoption, and it tells of my perspective much beyond what you see me reply in here.

Answer 11

Putting your child is one of the best things a parent can do for her child.That child is going to be brought up in a loving home with loving parents, so i do not see any problems with that.

Answer 12

I do just that.  

I spend my own time and money volunteering for a family preservation support network, which enables women and families to stay together  in situations that, without the support we give, would lose their kin to adoption.

There are some great mothers out there who don't deserve to lose their children to adoption because of temporary difficulties in their lives and with just a little help and support, they are soon up and running and doing a great job raising their family.

Answer 13

I have never understood why a lot of folks on here attack pap & ap's. They act like it's the ap's fault that the child is put up for adoption. When the truth of the matter is it's the pap and the ap's that want to give the child a home. I don't think it's their responsibility to support these women. Most never even actually have any contact with the birth mother. In some infant adoptions they do, but not all do. For those that do I know that most do try to talk to the mother and make sure this is the path she wishes to follow. There are to many on here that think that every adoption, and every child that is placed for adoption was stolen or the mother was coerced into giving the child up. Granted some were but the majority was not. It's the ones that were that they should be concerned about. They try to say that every kid that is adopted will grow up a screwed up individual. This is also not true. There are many like myself that are very happy about their adoptions and wouldn't have had it any other way. No adoption isn't all sunshine and roses, but it isn't all doom and gloom either. As far as if a family helps the girl or not is up to the individual family. Some are not in a position, physically, emotionally or financially to take on the responsibility.

When someone applys for adoption, they are wanting a child to raise and love and give a chance at life. If they wanted to start a home for unwed mothers then they would have done that. It is not their responsibility to take on the care of the mother. Some seem to forget that most adoptive parents don't even know what child they will get until a week or two before the child is placed with them. What are they suspose to do track down the mother beg her to keep the child and give them all their money? I think not.

Just because someone offers financial help to a pregnate woman doesn't mean that she would actually parent the child.

Some need to realize that  there are truly women who give up their children because they (heaven forbid) know that they can't parent or have no desire to. And it is their choice and that choice should be respected.

There are services available to help those who truly want to keep their children. But it is up to them to seek out these places. It is not the pap or the ap's responsibility.

An ap's responsibility is to raise the child as their own love and guide them. And to be honest with the adoptee about their adoption.

And I do agree there are alot on here that need to quit being victoms and take charge of their own lives.

I am an adoptee who has embraced the circumstances of my life and am not a victom.

Answer 14

it shows you love and want the best for your child. I have just talked my grandson's mother into letting me adopt him, because he is happy and has always lived with me and Another  thing to think about, especially grandmothers, who adopt their grandchildren, we are not young anymore, depending on your age if something happen's to you the child can at least drawn a Social Security check to help with finanical needs.

Answer 15

Adoption is the better alternative to abortion because it allows the child to live, and it allows people who cannot have children the chance to raise and love a child.

Answer 16

wow, another poster abusing us adoptees!! Just because i'm adopted doesn't mean i'm less of a person. it's people like you that i'm aganist.

eta--i'm not making myself a victim. but when you rant like you are doing, all it does is make you look mean. Maybe i did misunderstand your question but it is a rant. if you want proper discussion, then allow people to email you or im you. I have my email open so when there is disagreements they can be resolved.  I mean in your response you insulted me.

Answer 17

Wow!  You are on the wrong section here.  Like Mei Ling said...look at it from the point of abused / neglected children - these are the children that I take into my home.  And the comment about the "inconvenience" of raising your grandchild is classic...I am sorry you would rather it live with strangers or just die?

Blech - my eyes need to be washed out with soap after reading such a rant!