Is adoption often both a serious loss and a real opportunity?

Question

There seem to be two competing "factions" here: those who want adoption to be viewed as a tragic loss and those who want adoption to be viewed as a beautiful "win-win" opportunity. Here's the thing. I think for adoptees it is often both a very real loss and trama and also a true opportunity in their life. This really hit me the other day when a friend of mine and I got our 2 year olds together for a play date. My friends daughter was adopted from China at 15 months old. For the first 15 months of her life she spent about 23 hours a day in a crib. When she joined her family, she couldn't crawl. I She was tiny. I have seen this little girl of course be scared and sad and confused about what was happening to her when she joined her family. I'm sure that she faces dealing with loss and identity issues her whole life. But, I also see a little girl who has blossomed amazingly. The little girl who couldn't crawl is now running around with my daughter. She no longer has to

Answer 1

Adoption is a bit of everything. I just want people to see it that way instead of alot of adoptees using adoption as being the depression in their lives.

I just want people on here to stop assuming evey adoptee must have issues! People need to have respect for those adoptees who just dont actually have any issues with adoption.

I have issues, well I did untill I met my birth family, But I know how to deal with them. My kids come before my adoption and I WILL NOT spend the rest of my life treating my adoption like an alchoholic programme of taking it one step at a time! Whats done it done. My family are important, not my adoption. Its over for me.

Adoption  is alot of things and people must stop pretending its just about one certain thing.

Wake up people.

Answer 2

I agree with you on everything. People need to have a balanced view of adoption. There is no rosy view of adoption, neither is there a horrible view of adoption. Adoption is not black and white, it is in  fact a gray area.

Answer 3

Wow,waht a wonderful explanation and insight to this situation that so many from both sides feel.

Answer 4

I agree, the complexity of adoption definitely gets lost here, I myself am guilty of it as well.

I don't like to credit "adoption" as the "real opportunity" I think that the opportunity came from the parents adopting, not adoption does that make sense? Its not "adoption" that gave them a second chance to a crib that doesn't even give them space to roll over. Or a govt. that could care less. Its the parents who wanted to help a child.

Could it be possible without adoption? I guess at this point in time, I don't know that answer.

The complexity again is key. Could an american couple help a baby in a chinese orphanage without adoption? I think they potentially could. But i'm not sure to the degree of "help" compared to the amount enabled by the adoption process. I think for the time being, without reform, that may be the best way to help the thousands of children in china. But I'm not sure about society there to make a confident judgment. I don't know about single parenting, i've only read a few articles on it. I don't know about sponsorship programs, or what life in china is even like.

I think there can potentially be a real opportunity given to a child that has been through serious loss, achieved only in adoption. But i also think that the amount of children who need that "real opportunity" get overlooked and unecessary serious loss gets created by adoption as well. Again its the umbrella of adoption.

Many unecessary losses are being created in the white,  newborn adoption market in the US. There are also children being trafficked and sold from Africa, India, Guatemala to name a few countries.

But then there are explosions of children in orphanages in cribs without enough place to roll over with bottles propped up on them and they need homes too.

The complexity is far to large scale for anyone to make a sound judgement and pinpoint adoption as black and white as Yahoo answers, and as good or bad overall.

Answer 5

I agree with you.  It can often be both, I recognize that and I try to make others, IRL and online aware of this as well.

Your story really shows that point.

Answer 6

I absolutely agree. In an ideal world, all babies would be wanted and would live with families that love them and can provide for them and would only give birth to them under perfect conditions. But we all know that it doesn't work that way. I think there is no doubt that a child who is given up for adoption has to experience a loss that most of us can't understand. I adopted my son at birth and I know (he is now 12 yrs old) that he has a hurt down deep inside of him that I can never heal, and that I truly can't even ever understand. That said, he is a very loved and very wanted child and he knows that. He also knows that his birth parents gave him to us to love and that he is wanted and provided for in ways that they were not capable of. There is a major sadness to that fact -- no way around it. I don't really see the downside to adoption -- if you are reality based about living in this world.

Answer 7

I Iook at adoption not as a win-win, but as a potentially "redeemed" situation.  To be redeemed means you have lost and suffered, but then gained so much more back.  It doesn't minimalize the loss, but there is an appreciation for what has been given.  Sadly,  not all adoptees experience this, but I think this what is hoped for by all involved in adoption.

Answer 8

In my mind adoption is a guaranteed loss and a POSSIBLE opportunity.  The possibility of a successful adoption depends on so many factors...some adoptees will have it better than others.  

No one is ever going to say that a neglected child is better off staying in a bad situation...never.  Of course adoption into a family that provides a healthy environment is better than 23 hours in a crib.  But not all adoptions are like this.

Answer 9

There are infinite situations to a singular theme, but the "sine qua non" [central element] is love and understanding. Mentoring, friendship, and coaching skills far out weigh the traditional parenting-style, be creative and kind. The child will both know your intent and feel your love. Enjoy.

Answer 10

Well, it seems that your point is that given food and the ability to be physically active a child will "thrive".  Um....duh?

What exactly is your question?  Yes, this poor child had serious loss and she's been given an opportunity to have her basic human needs met.  Everyone on Earth should have the right to have their basic needs met.  This shouldn't be an "opportunity", it should just be.  

Personally, I would much rather help children have their needs met in their own countries, with their own families.  I think if more people concentrated on helping to relieve the problems that make foreign adoption necessary, this would be a much better "opportunity" for those children.

Answer 11

Yes!  At its best, adoption is both loss and opportunity.  There is not always opportunity (I got a great set of adoptive parents, but I know many people who did not), but there is always a loss.  Inasmuch as I can be said to represent the "tragic loss" side, that's we  need to have recognized:  that someone else's gain is always our loss.  It can be healed or compensated for to a certain degree, and it may carry its own benefits, but ignoring or denying that a loss is present only makes it worse.

Answer 12

it was an opportunity for me.  I had imperfect parents but hey, who doesn't??  it was an opportunity for me to grow up in a stable home.

it was an opportunity for my bmom and her son to continue their standard of living (which was difficult) without having another mouth to feed (she made the voluntary decision to give me up - no coercion involved whatsoever).

it was an opportunity for my parents to parent from the infant stage on up.  btw, they requested a mixed race child like me.

it was a loss for my bmom despite the fact she willingly made the decision.  but, by her own admission, she is thankful for her decision because none of us (me, her, her son, my parents) would have had the lives we had but for her choice/loss.

I acknowledge she had a loss but my selfish feelings of having a good life growing up outweigh that.  I will admit those selfish feelings openly and honestly.  I had a good life growing up -- not spoiled by a long stretch but i had food every day and shelter and lots of love.

She acknowledges her loss as well but understands the opportunities created by her decision.

We are all satisfied with her decision to relinquish.

Answer 13

Of course,in most cases,the adoption issue is a real opportunity for the child  who is adopted to have the kind of life that they wouldn't have had a chance to otherwise.When i gave my daughter up for adoption it was to give her the opportunity to have the type of loving parents who reared me and not have just me and no father willing to share in her life,and i knew more about this than most as I was adopted as a baby myself,but there are also some cases when the adoption process doesn't work and then both sides lose  but i think there are a lot more good stories than bad ones it is just that most people who are happy with their situations don't need to talk about it as they do not see any need to

Answer 14

Bless you.