Is adoption that bad?

Question

We plan on adopting. I have severe endometriosis and can't have a biological baby. We won't be starting the process for another year but I read this board frequently and often see people bashing adoption.

Is it really so awful? Is my child going to grow up completely messed up just because she/he is adopted? I have a few friends who were adopted and they've told me they've had a much better life than they would have if they hadn't been adopted.

I would love to hear experiences or opinions from both adoptees and adoptive parents. Thanks.

Answer 1

I think that adoptiom can go either way. Some children are adopted into good homes, raised knowing they were loved by both their birth mother and their adopive families...

Other adoptive kids end up with not so good homes and have a hard time accepting their adoption.

When you adopt your child, make sure that s/he always knows they are adopted, but feel loved by you and your husband as well as their birth mother.

Ther are lots of good books out there for young adopted children.  IThis way adoption is always a positive thing for them.

Good luck

Answer 2

I have had a wonderful experience adopting.  You can contact me if you have any specific questions.

This site is sad.  It is a bad place to go for real advice.  All the adult adoptees think that adoption is the worst thing ever.

Answer 3

I strongly believe that adoption should be for children who are from parents who are addicts, abusers, or profoundly neglectful. If you have trouble with the idea that your child has other parents, and another family, that they will want to know, and love--adoption is not for you.

Adoption should not be about taking children from people who have 'less than'.  Agencies are experts at coercing children from their mothers, and guilting them into turning their children over to people more 'worthy', to give them a 'better life'.  The BEST life most children will ever have is within their clan.

You really should do some research from the adoptee's perspective.  Most adoptive parents (and agencies) will tell you that it is all wonderful.  But to be fair--they only GAINED.  Adoptees have lost, and are expected to merge with a non-related family, and try to build a healthy identity.

Please read:

Lost & Found, Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton

The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier

Being Adopted by David M. Brodzinsky

Sites with a lot of adoption information:

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.com

http://www.origins-usa.com

http://www.babyscoopera.com

Some artices:

http://rondidondi.wordpress.com/2007/10/...

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

ETA: to "MAMA" d**n, woman, I pray you do NOT lay those stories on your daughter. (Shaking head)  Please, have empathy for her!  No one MADE you adopt her.

ETA: To "TWIN", Actually adopting is NOT exactly like having your own children.  Not by a long shot.  And you are wrong: adopted children are abused at higher rates than non-adopted children.

Answer 4

We were blessed with our foster daughter when she was 18mos. old. She weighed about 12 lbs. had lesions all over her body and was severely malnourished and dehydrated. Her mother was arrested at 3AM buying drugs with the baby in her arms, the baby had on a women's tank top (it was the middle of October) and no diaper.

In the motel room where the mother lived, there was no food, milk or formula. However, they did find drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and a known pimp passed out in the bed.

The mother had already abandoned an older child. She is now pregnant with her third child. All three children have different fathers. Two are currently in prison.

Our little girl is now a thriving almost three year old who is bright, articulate and sweet.

Now you tell me, is adoption bad in this case?

and what should happen to this new baby?

However, I do agree that there are many healthy women who are coerced to give up their child. These mothers should be supported and helped so that they can mother their children. Because being young, uneducated and poor does not mean that you will be a bad parent. Fathers should also be fully aware of their options and given the opportunity to parent their child, even if the mother decides that she cannot. If all else fails then adoption of this child is the best option.

BTW my daughter's mother has been offered every type of service and counseling available, even a program where she could go with her daughter. Everything has been rejected.

ETA Sunny, there is no way my daughter will EVER know anything horrible about her mother or father. We love her mother very much (she's my neice). I keep a book for my daughter about her parents; what they like to eat, favorite books, things they said to her, pictures from every visit. I am not sure her parents will even be alive so I must do this so she will always have part of her parents and  while alive her mother  will ALWAYS be in her daughters life...straight or sober. I was simply letting the asker know that there are situations where a child should not be with her parents.

And yes I DO have to adopt her...We love her & her mother and it is my moral obligation.

Answer 5

okay, while i am neither of those things (adopted or an adoptive parent) i am the child of 1. a mother that had to give up a child; whom i've met and 2. a father that was given up as a baby. For me, from what i've seen of my parents, my Dad was never unsure about his parents love for him, after all, they PICKED him, out of all the children they could have adopted. For my mom, hearing from her son that his family was everything that a mom could want for a child she cannot raise (loving, caring, rich enough that he wanted for nothing, kind) and seeing that his life was a rich and fulfilling one seemed to reassure her that she had made the right choice.

Many people see giving up children as a cop out, but in this day and age, with all the varieties of adoptive relationships out there it seems like a very viable option. If you want to adopt, do it; and dont let anyone's opinion hold you back.

Answer 6

For some people, yes it is that bad.  However, there is a TON of information out right now that proves the way adoption was practised in the past is NOT good, and a lot more information about how to go about it the right way.  I think that when the child's feelings are taken into account every single step of the way, adoption can be a good thing.  But the adults involved have to be extremely diligent in making sure they are using a reputable agency, adopting a child who actually needs to be adopted (i.e. the mother was not coerced, or adopt a waiting child in foster care).  Every effort needs to be made to learn about life from the adoptee's perspective, what it feels like when the adults around you are talking,etc.  Every effort should be made to have an open adoption, or at the very least make sure the child knows everything you can possibly tell him/her about his/her life, past, family of origin, culture, etc.

There are a lot of good books out there.  Start reading!  I think adoption can be a wonderful way to give a home and family to a child who needs one, as long as it's done right, and for the right reasons.  Good luck!

Answer 7

no, adoption is not that bad.  Really dear, it isn't.

Some adoptees will grow up with zero desire to search.  Some will want to.  Some will call their parents their parents and their only parents; others will come them greedy infertiles.  Some feel adoption is fine the way it is; others feel there is a great need for change.  Some will accept their birth certificates as the only true proof of their existance; others will want an OBC which shows the existance of a non-legal entity.

and then there are all the people in between.

Answer 8

Adoption can be good and it can be bad.  It all depends on the circumstances.

In order for a child to become adopted, he or she must first lose something...parents, sometimes siblings, grandparents, an entire family and history and heritage.  Because of sealed records and amended birth certificates, the adoptee "becomes" someone else...and who that child was born as is lost, is sealed away, kept secret.  Only 6 or 7 states in the US allow adult adopted people to have their own original birth certificates...this is pretty sad, considering this is the ON LY country in the WORLD that denies its adopted citizens this basic, fundamental human right.

While some adoptees never feel that loss and are fine with it, some adoptees DO feel that loss, and it is very painful for them to bear.  It is up to you as the adoptive parent to learn how to address those feelings, should they surface, and help your child process and heal.

Whether or not an adopted person decides to "search" for his or her bio-family is not an indicator of an adoption being "good" or "bad", nor is it a reflection on your worth as a parent or the adopted person's "loyalty" to you.  These are issues that are totally separate from the adoptee's adoptive family.  Usually it is a deep desire to know one's roots, who and where they came from, a desire to fill an emptiness from not knowing their origins.  This is something that should never be taken personally by adoptive parents and should, in fact, be encouraged.  Wouldn't you want your child to feel whole and happy?  

Giving children who need a loving, stable home is always a good thing.

Adoptions that take place under coercive or unethical circumstances are not so good.

If a mother can parent her child and just needs a little help, shouldn't she get that help?  

If a mother simply cannot or will not parent her child, then that child does deserve a loving home.  For the child's sake, if YOU were that child, who would you want to be with?  Your first choice would probably be your own family first...but if not, then by all means, let it be adoption.

I hope this answer helps.

Answer 9

As with all things in life, you will have people who have had good experiences with something and others who have not.  The same holds true for adoption.  

The best suggestion that I can offer is to do as much research as you can prior to adoption to prepare yourself.  Parenting in itself is full of the "unexpecteds".  I just keep telling myself that I will support my child with any obstacle that comes his way - adoption or not.  

Good luck.

Answer 10

I know this is something that you don't want to hear.  I think that the way adoption is practiced today is very very bad.  

It is an industry.  It makes over three billion dollars a year.  Its big business.  I have seen all parties living adoption get hurt in the process.  

If you do the adoption right  and ethical, then no your child won't end up messed up.  As a closed era adoptee, what I want from you are the following:

Honesty.

Openness.

Security in your love for child even when the child becomes an adult and he/she searches.  Its a scary road to search.  Your child will need your support 100%.

If you choose an infant adoption, please make it an open adoption.  Work at it with the natural parents.  They are just as important to your child as you are.

Do not ever diminish your child's natural parents.  Be honest but be kind.  

Fight like h**l for the civil rights of your child.  Your child's rights are stripped from him at the time of his adoption.  He deserves access to a document that accurately records his birth even if he never searches.  

You also want to be assured that your child is not be abducted or coerced from your child's natural parents.  

I do have a couple of agencies that I can recommend that honor your future child in his/her best interest.  All you have to do is contact me via email.

Answer 11

No, adoption is a wonderful thing. I had a great life and was never messed up by being adopted. Don't let people's negativity get in the way of giving a child a good life. Just know that you give your child a great life with loving parents because you can't really ask for any more than that. My adoptive parents couldn't imagine their life without me and I couldn't imagine my life without them. Good luck with the process, I know it was a long hard road for my adoptive family but it all worked out in the end.

Answer 12

As I was reading other responses, I saw many people say that adoption could be negative and bad. Both my brother and sister were adopted so it really made me think. What bad things have come out of adoption?? A child that was uncared for is now living in a hopefully better enviroment. In 99% of cases he or she will be loved, nutured, and taken care of.

Since when was helping an innocent child a bad thing? People are suggesting that some kids go to bad homes. But first of all, both the birthmother(if she wants) and the adoption agency check out the family first. Also, even if they family that is "bad" didn't adopt and just had a child regurlary and that child grew up in a bad home, what's the difference? Then couldn't you say that having a biological child is both good and evil?

Adoption is the EXACT same thing as having your own biological child. The only difference is that instead of your baby growing in your belly, they grow in your heart.

Answer 13

adopting a child is giving him/her a new better live... all u need to do is provide all the love u can I it will grow up to be success-full not a s***w up......

Answer 14

It is not awful at all. I am adopted and I am so glad. You will be saving a child from an uncertain fate.

Answer 15

Honestly you should not let the people on hear stop you from being happy. A child brings a joy like no other. It seems to me that alot of the ones on here that bash adoption are stating what they have heard, (my sister, my brother, my aunt, my friend) Not personal situations. Sure it isnt a bed of roses but when has being a parent ever been a bed of roses, never. I have a biological son who is my world, and he drives me up the wall! Pre teens. It seems that alot of people have something negative to say about everything, but then you have the ones that are truthful and loving and answer from the heart.  Its funny how you will have alot judge and comment, making it seem that adoption is wrong or we are bad parents. Like it they are angels and live a perfect life. But come to find out it is the complete opposite. They have no kids, have no family, never adopted, and have no life but the computer. Dont throw rocks if you live in a glass house.

Trust me you are going to get alot of great advise and some that you know in your heart is coming from a complete idiot. In the end remember it is all up to you. Half of the poeple on here are full of S**t. Good Luck and I hope you make the right choice!

Answer 16

First of all, I think it is wonderful you are looking into adoption. I am somewhat in your situation and I am going to adopt a child and have another through surrogacy. I have thought about the fact that my child will have questions about adoption, but I won't tell them until I am ready and I think that they are as well. Your child will not grow up "messed up" because you are giving that child a life they may have not had if you were not in the picture. Life is hard, whether we are adopted or not, and if you are there for your child no matter what, they will see that you love them and that is what really matters. You are doing something so very important because there are so many children who need people like you. Good luck with the adoption process - I will be there too one day and I am looking forward to loving someone.

Answer 17

Just like anything, there is potential for great joy and great sadness with adoption.  That's because it is not a simple thing.  It is complex.  And it is personal, meaning for some it may be good, and for others not.  It is not a "one size fits all" experience.  Much of anyone's response to important life events depends on their personality, s*x, emotional stamina, health, support, environment, etc.  So no one adoptee is going to have one cookie cutter reaction to adoption or anything else.  The reactions are as diverse as adoptees.  I would say the same with birthmothers.  In my work, I have  known about 400 potential birthmothers, most of whom did not place their baby for adoption, by the way.  They are very different as well.  Some are calculating, some kind, some sad, some cold, some mentally ill, some sweet, some harsh, sme thoughtful, some generous, and some shallow.  Just like the rest of us!  

Look at the research on Evan Donaldson Adoption Instiitute -- among others.  Adoptees as a whole (certainly not all) are well adjusted and happy individuals who were raised by pretty normal and caring parents.   Intellectually and emotionally, most fair about the same or better than the average bio kid.  And despite some of the reporting on this site, adoptees --from private agencies-- are abused much less than bio kids.  Having children is a risk, anytime, but if you are well informed, are truly supportive of open adoption, educated about real adoption issues, and are looking at adoption as just another way to parent (not rescue!), then I'd say  - don't let anything stop you.

Answer 18

see with adopting i would upfront with my child and let them know that they are adopted my best friend is adopted and she has a wonderful life. And she also knows both birth parents!! :) and she talks to her mother on myspace. there is nothing at all wrong with adoptions!! i think that it's a selfless act to place a child up for adoption and to adopt a child

Answer 19

Adoption is both Good and Evil

AS with ALL things in this world there is GOOD And then there is EVIL

Those that use adoption as a way to make money are evil, those that use the unborn child as a bartering chip for the highest bidder are evil.

Those who use adoption as a money making enterprise are evil

Those that adopt children only to abuse them are evil

Then there are those that adopt a child and do everything for that child And MORE, like my own parents.

I too had a wonderful adoptive life as far as my parents loving me, giving me security and al lthe material things in life, but when i needed to search and when i did search my world shattered into a thousand pieces 11 years ago and indeed again 1 day ago...

As for yourself being a  prospective adoptive parent I say to you, nuture your adoptive child, understand that she/he will be inherintey different from the rest of your family, and honour and understand that, Understand that one day the questions will most probably come, and do everything in your power to support and help her / him in that journey.

Do not adopt and keep ANY Secrets. They will come to light one day...

ETA I hope that came across the right way ? I meant if you adopt dont keep any secrets

Answer 20

hay,

no , adoption is not bad, problems can come whether you are from same parents... its all depends upon your relationships.

adoption is realy good, if you can adopt some one its realy good you are making some one life. you must be respected

thanks

Answer 21

hunny.. maybe if YOUR not the one that adopts the baby.. someone else bad will.

Answer 22

I can only speak for myself, but I will tell you that for me, being adopted really sucks.  I have suffered terrible depression all my life and have had the typical symptoms of "adopted child syndrome" all of my life as well.  

This link talks a little about that, and gives some good suggestions for further reading:

http://www.amfor.net/acs/

I recommend you educate yourself as much as possible.  Asking people on yahoo is not a good idea because too many people here have agendas or are just trying to stir up trouble.  Adoption is not all good or all bad.  Just be realistic about it if you decide to go ahead with it.  Be open to all perspectives, and realize that every person has their own truth about adoption, no one is wrong.

Answer 23

Adoption is GREAT. There are many people out there having babies and have know means in raising them and if they did the child may end up dead like the ones you see on the news so often. I wish I had been adopted because my father was a drug dealer and thought that money won love. I am 19 now but if he would have just gave me up when I was born than I would have had a good life although he was a wealthy from drug dealing but all things come to an end.

Answer 24

No, adoption is a beautiful thing even though some try to turn it into a bad thing.  Only a very small number of adoptees post on this site.  Even on this site, the "adopion bashers", as you say, are in the minority.  Many adoptees feel no need for adoption support groups or forums because they are perfectly happy and well adjusted.  In any circumstance, you will always find those with negative attitudes.  It's like everything else.....you can view your glass half full or half empty.  

Our glass is overflowing because of adoption.

Most of the "problems" in adoption were in the past--in the days of closed adoption.  These days most adoptions are open so the original birth certificate and finding birth parents are not an issue.

Please, just follow your heart and don't let Yahoo Answers influence you one way or the other.

Answer 25

no, my aunt has adopted and her kid is living a great life!! Nobody teases him and he looks just like my aunt and uncle. Adoption is a great and spiritual thing your helping who ever you are adopting because now they have a family!! Hoped this helps!!

Answer 26

I'm an adoptee & a birthmother.

Adoption can be great. I've seen it. When it's approached the right way, there isnt alot of the why me / poor me feelings. Adoption needs to be open, and openly talked about right from the start. Nothing can be hidden.

Adoption can be a bad thing too. When the wrong types of people adopt, or when it's treated as a big secret.

It's all in how you approach it. The onus is really placed on the aparents in what kind of childhood & experience it's going to be for the adoptee

Answer 27

Just like anything, I think there are good and bad aspects of it. Some people have had bad experiences. That does not mean that yours will be.

Answer 28

I dont know where people like school nurse and others are getting their information from, there are a lot of adoptees on this site, Im one of them.  Adoption isnt awful, it saved my life.  What is awful is that in many places adoption records are sealed, blocking adoptees from access to their identities and from medical information.  Adoptees should have the same rights as anyone else, problem is that we frequently dont.  I think that you are misunderstanding a lot of what you read on here.  There are very few adoption bashers, as you put it, although the are some people who strongly advocate that children should be kept within their bio family (not something I always agree with!)  What makes most adoptees on this site angry is that we are frequently shouted down for telling the truth.  Many adoptees experience loss and pain as a result of being blocked from the identity they were born with.  This is simple fact.  We have the right to state it, we are the ones experiencing it.  It does not mean that we are all anti adoption.

Answer 29

No, it is not, and coming here for real advice, is probably not one of the best places to come for unbiased info.  (BTW, not *all* adoptees think it is bad, I am one and very happy, no more upset, prone to depression, than anyone else.)

Get out and learn and talk to people.  You will find people that aren't happy to be adopted, some that are.  That's just life.  And to take a line from a movie, "Life is pain, Princess.  Anyone who tells you otherwise, is selling something."

There is pain with infertility, physical pain from Endo (been there, doing that), pain with birth mothers placing their child for adoption, separation.  Adoption done right is a way to help with all parties pain.  Done wrong (closed, hidden, unethically) will cause more pain to all.  

Do some soul searching as you look for agencies.  Be honest.  Don't say what you think they want to hear just to get a baby.  If you say that you are open to an open adoption, think about how you feel about that for the long haul.  Be honest.  This is a time to really explore your feelings.  I think that is my biggest advice on how to get started in adoption . . . BE HONEST!  

Many prospective adoptive parents feel desparate and say anything that they can to grease things to get that baby sooner.  They agree to an open adoption and drop away from their agreements.  Don't fall into that trap.  Be honest with yourselves, the agency, the birthparents, and your child.

Answer 30

I was adopted and I new it from the start. I was glad because I had a much better life than I would of had with my birth parents because they were druggies and real dirty unloved people. So I think that its gr8. There are many children in foster homes and orphanages just waiting and praying for a mommy and daddy and brothers and sisters to love them......

Answer 31

I am both adopted and an adoptive mom of 2 children- and I can say, FROM MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE- that adoption is great.    Before I continue though, please no emails from those who don't think so, like I got the other day, I am not saying that some adoptees and parents have not experienced adoption as not good.  I am so thankful that my birth mom and the birth mom of my 2 children- loved us enough to give us life-  according to my own birth mom, in a letter- there was no way she could raise me, and according to both of my kid's birth moms, we met them and still have contact with one- that it is was the best for their children. IT IS NOT awful for me,- go ahead and adopt- you deserve to have children, just because you cannot conceive yourself, and a baby is out there somewhere that will have a home because of you.