Is contact from the biological mother healthy for my newly adopted son?

Question

My new son, now age 6, has just settled into his new life, new last name, and new family. His bio mom has asked my permission to write him letters and would like me to send her photos of him. She lost custody thru the state, but she is not a bad person. I want to do what is best for him... i see a lot of people searching for their bio parents - I don't want that for him, but is contact going to hurt him? I'd love to hear from any former foster children or foster parents with advice.... This is breaking my heart.

Answer 1

Actually I think it would be a very nice thing of you to do, to help him have a relationship with her.  One little boy I know has a loving adopted family and a good relationship with his ‘bio mom’ as he calls her.  I don’t think he sees her very much but they do communicate.  I remember how excited he was when she came to see him in a play.  He seems very proud that he has two moms.  He definitely understands the difference between them.  But don’t for a moment think that he doesn’t love his adoptive mom- he knows who his ‘real’ mom is – if you ask him, his mom is the one who “feeds him his favorite lunches and takes care of him and tucks him in and buys his school supplies and gives him medicine when he is sick.”  I thought that was the sweetest thing I ever heard.

Try some limited communication with her at first, and see how he handles it.  If he seems to be stressed out or confused by it, you can always back off the contact with her according to his comfort level.  If she cares about his welfare, she'll understand and will want to do what's best for him.

Answer 2

this is definitely one of those things to go slow with.  You don't know this person!  Do not give her access directly to your son.  Have letters to you, if you so choose, sent to a po box.

Keep contacts casual, by mail, giving her reassurance that your son is well and happy.  A few photos would "verify" that and comfort her.  See how things go through the years.  Your son will know in the future that you treated his birth mom with respect and kindness, while protecting him.  Someday, he or you might want birth mom's help with something, medical issue or the like, and for that and for many other good reasons-- maintaining some contact can be a good thing if you can manage it without a lot of stress.

Answer 3

If she is not a bad person I don't understand why she lost custody. I have two step children who consider me their mom. The only time their mom tries to make contact is when she is in jail. I would send pics and let them know the bio mom cares but that is about it. It may do them more harm than good if they found out later she tried. Also I never met my biological dad. He very easy could of contacted me if he wanted to. But never did. When growing up especially through puberty I would of liked to know what he looked like. I did not look like my mom and sometimes that was hard on me.

With that said, you are the mom now. You have a mother's instinct. Go with your gut feeling.

Answer 4

Filter the letters though you. You can always send her photos of both boys and write to her to let her know how they are doing. Your children don't have to be in contact with her.

If he asks about her, you can update him on what she writes to you.  

Answer 5

Please don't be scared. Take things slow - and just see how things go.

Adoptee's - for best emotional and psych health - NEED to know - personally - if possible - all members of ALL their families.

Coming into your family didn't erase his other family.

They are all part of him - and for a better sense of self and self worth - kids need to know and be able to ask the important questions - that sometimes - only certain people can answer.

Do not be afraid.

I think it would be an extremely loving thing of you to send updates and photos.

Imagine if you lost your child. Wouldn't you want to be able to have some contact???

It's confusing being an adoptee - especially as you grow - but starting contact now - could be so good for him - and for all of you.

I wish you all the best.

Answer 6

Every situation is different. For my son, no contact was best. While in foster care his mother would often not show up for the visits or show up under the influence of drugs. When this would happen he would try to hurt himself. Also, after visits that took place, he would come home, hurt himself, hurt others, rub poo on walls, start peeing in his pants, and eat until he would vomit. When a period of two or weeks would go by without a visit (usually because she didnt show up) all of this behavior would stop.

So really it depends on how your son reacts. If he has a secure attachment to her and she is dependable (ie she doesn't stop sending letters suddenly) then it could be the best thing for him. If there is a history of abuse, it may not be a good thing. I would speak to your adoption social worker about it.  

Answer 7

I kept contact with my kids' first mom and don't regret it for a minute.  She passed away last week and I will forever be thankful that we stayed in contact.

That being said, we did it in small doses right after the adoption.  She wanted the adoption as bad as we did and understood that the kids had to "re-establish" themselves.  She was very understanding and supportive.  

I think that if she really wants to keep in contact, she will agree to whatever pace you are comfortable with.  All I can say to people now is, imagine if you never had your chance to talk to them agian...what would you be missing out on?  This sounds hypothetical, but it happens, trust me.

Answer 8

I have a seven year old boy in my care, and what I see is that he needs to know he is loved.  He feels very insecure most of the time, and the more I can surround him with love the better. His father is FAR from perfect.  I don't personally like him but I understand that his son loves him deeply, even more I understand that he needs to know that his Dad loves him.  It helps to know that even though his father cannot parent him he still cares.  

Feeling you were abandoned and that someone could care less about your existence is a double whammy.  I don't think hearing that he is cared about will hurt your son, I think it will actually help him with any self blame he has or confusion.  Love is a messy thing, you can't protect him from that. Regardless of how much he loves you and his new family he still is going to want to know he loved by his mother.  There is enough love to go around.

Answer 9

Sad to say, but it is often a myth that children "move on".  Instead, they internalize their grief and it can then be displayed as acting-out, withdrawing, growing up feeling they were unwanted and rejected it.

If she was not a bad person, why was she forced to give up her child?

She may not have asked for contact with the older one if she was advised that it would come to no good and only hurt him.  

Trust your gut instinct on this.  The letters and photos will do a LOT to assure him that he was not abandoned/rejected/unloved.  And saving them until he is 18 is dishonest to her and only will cause him huge confusion and emotional grief at that time.  Letters now and as he grows up will do much to help him develop a positive view, that his past is NOT something to be ashamed of, that you recognize his need for connection (and yes, he will have one), and that you are not threatened by this connection.  I think you are a very loving and caring parent.   Maybe send her letters and photos as well?  Can you get her address?  

Answer 10

You can tell her to write and send pics and you'll give them to your son when he's 18 IF he decides he wants them.