Is he a better dad when someone's looking?

Question

Ranty rant rant...

Okay, here's the scoop. My SO loves to play with the baby, but he's never eager to do any of the work associated with having a baby: bathing, diaper changes, cleaning him up after he eats, etc.

But, as soon as MIL, my mother, a friend, even a total stranger is present, he's suddenly "Father of the Year": "Oh, honey, does he need a bath tonight? Here, let me change that diaper...Uh-oh, I think he needs Desitin. Has he eaten any solids yet today? I'll feed him then...Oh, he looks tired. Let me rock him to sleep."

But, someone has to be looking! If it's just him and I shuffling around the house, it's like pulling teeth to get him to do anything other than lay on the floor with his son.

He's a great dad; don't get me wrong. But he's an ultra-super primo fantastic dad when there's someone there to see it.

Does anyone else deal with this? Please share your experience or thoughts.

Answer 1

I know what you mean exactly.  my dh is a great dad, loves all our kids, but when its just "us" he pretty much sits around.  He does play with the kids though, so i'll give him that.  But i can pretty much count on one hand the number of baths he has given in the last 1 1/2 yrs..LOL.   BUT.... when his mom is around, its oh let me get their snack hunny, and oh i'll go see why he's been so long on the potty!  WOW... what a difference.  

When we are getting ready to go somewhere i'm trying to get myself and 4 kids ready, and he's playing playstation and complaining we will be late...BUT... when my mother is there or his mom... he is up my butt asking what he can do to help.

i think its just a man thing honestly.  i have said nicely to him that i wish he was more helpful like that all that time, not just when people are around, but he just shrugs and claims he does help enough.

oh well... us wives/girlfriends will be complaining about this forever...

Answer 2

wow that sounds familiar! my dad has actually commented on it as he can see straight through the 'act'

i let him get away with a certain amount as he works all day, and he works hard. however, when i go back to work, we will be doing equal amounts. we both made him we can both take care of him!

Answer 3

lol...sounds like my dear husband! He is a wonderful dad all the time but I didnt even think he knew what desitin was until my parents were visiting one day and he asked me where it was so he could change a diaper...I was like, ummmm, what did you just say? lol, I dont really mind though. He helps when I ask him to and he is such a loving, doting father and that is what counts the most to me!

Answer 4

Have you tried pointing that out to him?  

EDIT (To OP):  Ah, a question for the ages.  Just be careful how you phrase it, and try not to sound like you're accusing him.  Something like, "I appreciate everything you did to help out with _____ today, but I feel like you make more of an effort to help out with the baby when other people are here," and see where the conversation goes.  Try not to make him defensive, and tell him that you would like for him to be as enthusiastic about helping with the baby when it's just the two of you.

Answer 5

Haha, I think that's very normal. My husband has always swooped in and did all the "baby chores", especially when someone from his side of the family is present.

However, I think it's true for the mom as well. At home, if my daughter has a messy, dirty face from eating, I'm sometimes like "Eh, I'll clean her when it's bath time..." But if we're eating at a restaurant and she gets a pig face, I'm all of a sudden sporting baby wipes in both hands. Or how I usually don't care if my daughter has some candy every once in awhile.....until we're in a store, and people are watching...LOL

Answer 6

Luckily for me, I don't have this problem.  A possible solution for you does come to mind, though.

Maybe you can just tell him that with the baby and all of your other responsibilities, you feel stretched too thin.  Tell him that you would like to create a baby schedule that you and him can share.  Let him (or even guide him) pick his own duties.

Just keep it positive.

Answer 7

No, my husband is very much under the thumb at home and he does loads for me but I have to ask him. ( he would never do anything without being asked) Whenever we go anywhere or have guests, he sees it as an opportunity to pass the baby on and have a break.To me thats much worse cos people will think he's a lazy father when in fact he is the opposite.  

Answer 8

I'm not personally in that situation, but a close friend of mine is. The entire time she was pregnant she kept telling everyone that he would be a great father because he already has a child and knows what to do. Well, in the back of my mind I'm thinking yeah right because he doesn't take care of the one he has already. So after he was born, sure enough my suspicions became true. The baby was a week old before he changed a diaper. And he only did so because the MIL was around. The entire time the MIL was there he did everything a father should do. Feed, change, clothe the baby. My friend calls me about 3x a week complaining about how he doesn't do anything. How if the baby is crying he'll tell her to go and check on him. He won't even watch the baby long enough for her to take a shower!! Now when I come over, it's a different story. The baby cries, he's right there checking on him. He plays with him. Feeds him. Even offers to watch him while we go out. It's all very strange to me. If a man can do it when someone else is watching, why can't they do it when there's no one around? I don't know if they have some kind of insecurity or what. But it doesn't make any sense to me.  

Answer 9

When you get "frustrated" at him with stuff like this..Remember what you found in the basement a while back?? and smile about that and remember how great he is..even if he isn't doing all the "baby stuff" in his mind you know what he is focused on...

((HUGS))

Answer 10

oh yeah i know what you mean! i think every one needs an audience time to time to do something though. ex: don't you sometimes let dishes sit a while in the sink or skipping a day of washing clothes but as soon as mother in law or a friend is there you suddenly become a busy little bee?  

Answer 11

HA!  I have the same thing.  

My husband is with my son when I am at work and can't be bothered to pick up toys, wash bottles, or even put his dirty clothes in the hamper right next to the changing table, but as soon as my mother comes over he is helping out with housework, washing not just bottles, but the entire kitchen.  This was driving me bonkers!  

I said something to him and he got upset.  He said, "Well, I do that stuff all the time."  SURE you do.  

So, now I just asked my mom to come over more often, have other family and friends visit when he is home.  

He is a great dad, don't get me wrong, but he is so much better when my mother visits.  I am not sure if he is scared of her or what.  I can't say too much because, I clean the house up a lot more when she is coming over too, so I suppose that she is good for both of us.  

Answer 12

There is but one solution-life sized cardboard cut-outs strategically placed throughout your home.  Problem solved.  Anything else I can help you with today?

ETA:Seriously, don't say anything to him, you will just feel like a nag and wish you had never brought it up.  He wants to look good in front of your family because he wants them to know he is taking care of his family.  He could grab a beer and plop himself in front of the boob tube every time some one came over and profess how he could relax because you have "help" now.  If you want him to do more, just say it.  And he will do it, just say it matter-of-factly, "Darling, change his diaper, please", not "Oh, my feet hurt, man this boy poops a lot, guess I'LL go change him now" and then get upset when he says "Great, thanks." and doesn't pick up on your hints.  Men need billboards, not signs.