Is he cheating - should we work this out?

Question

I've been dating my bf for 5 years, we are in our 2nd house together. Last year he wanted to get engaged, I wasn't ready - so he wouldn't propose on our vacation (and make it odd) - and I would say NO, I told him that I wasn't ready and please don't ask. He ended up returning the ring. This has caused a lot of problems with us. I've been in counseling for over a year and a half about this. I am ready to get engaged, but now he is not, he said I hurt him too much.....(I don't regret telling him not to ask).....now things are fishy - he has a new job, works late, keeps blackberry in car, locks i-phone with password, distances himself, he exhibits like 6 of the 7 signs of cheating from true.com.....I confronted him, he has reasons for everything, some good, some could be excuses. He said he did not cheat, he has no one else, no emotional affairs, no crushes, a small part of my gut tells me he is either lying or is doing this intentionally to get back at me for telling him not to propose last year, (this would be his second marriage, my first) - it is hard for him to want to marry me again - he said because he failed at his first marriage and when he was ready to propose I wasn't. HELP>>>>are these signs of cheating?? or is he just hurt??? what do we need to do to fix it???(we are in counselling, but with his "working late" he can never schedule an appt - or should we break up. I love him and I am ready to move on with the relationship. However, I won't stand for cheating and if I have to leave, I will.....

Answer 1

  No, he isn't cheating.  He CAN'T.  He is neither married, nor engaged.  So, it is impossible for him to cheat.  Only people in an exclusive relationship CAN cheat.  What you two have doesn't fall into that category.  You told him not to ask you to get married.  A marriage proposal that is refused doesn't transmute into a marriage or engagement.

Answer 2

Sounds like it, and not necessarily because of the signs but because of your gut feeling. Your two scenarios-- lying or cheating to get back to you--are both deal breakers. You're not even engaged and you're already in counseling? Let him gooo... You should leave anyway. You don't trust him.  

Answer 3

WELL YES HIS SELF ESTEEM MAY HAVE BEEN CRUSHED AND TO THE POINT WHERE THERES NO POINT OF RETURN BECAUSE THAT LACK OF SELF ESTEEM BEING CRUSHED MIGHT HAVE BEEN HIS EXCUSE FOR GOING OUT AND DOING WHATEVER IT IS THAT HE'S DOING. DONT FEEL BAD THOUGH IF YOUR NOT READY FOR SUCH A DRASTIC MOVE AND DECISION IN LIFE THAT IS YOUR RIGHT AND HE NEEDS TO RESPECT THAT. IT IS NEVER OK TO CHEAT ON THE ONE THAT YOU LOVE NO MATTER WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFES!!! IF YOUR GUT IS TELLING YOU SOMETHING TAKE IT IN FOR CONSIDERATION

Answer 4

Men are different from women when they get hurt. You hurt him badly when you refused his proposal so his whole thing is to hurt you. You two should take a  break and if it is meant to be it will. He is going to do whatever he wants to do with you so he mine as well do it without you. It is a reason you said no when he proposed. Don't ignore that reason.

Answer 5

no...i don't think that he is cheating...i just think that it hurt him when you told him you where not ready..that can always take a big part out of a guy when a woman does not want to marry him now

Answer 6

Give him more time it take a long time for a man to get over being hurt.

Answer 7

Well do what you think is best for you. I thought you knew that men don't take rejection very well. You have a lot to learn. Give him some time and maybe he will come around AGAIN. Also, you can't accuse him of cheating because now you're insecure because you said no. You did say that you all were on your second house. When you do things like that, that spells committment. Stop leading the man on.

Answer 8

You have been together 5 years....are in your second home together...and yet you didn't want him to propose to you because  you weren't ready?  I would say that the poor guy is hurt....and he could be cheating.....at any rate...you don't need to get married anytime soon...you both need to figure out what you want....

Answer 9

I am sorry. but i think you lost him. Guys don't like to show emotion, and when we do we bear it all.

This guy pretty much opened his heart to you, you turned it down. I dont' know what you can do to gain that trust again.

If I were him, I would have ended it after you said no.  

Answer 10

You weren't ready? Come on! You were dating for 5 years and had 2 homes together!! I have been married over 3 years and we haven't even bought our first house yet. He had more reason to think something was going on with you.

There really is nothing you can do about this. Since you aren't married, you have no way of knowing whether or not he is getting paid for this "extra work". You can't use the "hey, I'm your wife, let me see your phone/ phone bill" thing....I don't know what to tell you. Your best bet is to go to his workplace one evening and see if he is there or who he is there with. If he's not there, confront him and kick him out.