Question:

Is he just doing it or does he really mean it?? Do I just deal with it or just give up on him ??

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I have been with him for 21 years and truly love him, but he has been having a mid-life crisis (age 43) that has been going on for 4 years and I hate everything that has come from it. He did have an affair after 16 years of marriage that I still have trouble dealing with because of the things that happened, everything was destroyed on all levels, trust, respect, love, $ and he's true self and mine. And he wonders why I have such a hard time with this. It kills me to see our relationship that has been everything to each other, just disappear, like it never existed. We were everything together, husband/wife, partners, lovers, best friends.

Our lives and future were destroy and for what??? Nothing, which he can even admit to. But, all he ever does now is talk about getting a divorce and his own place everyday, it is so boring. I tell him go get it, but he always has an excuses, too much $, don't have time to look for place, etc. He has the $ to file and get a place, I feel if he truly wanted to he would go and do it, nothing is stopping him. I agreed to it for him, I never wanted it, deep down inside still don't but what can I do??

Yet, we do everything together like a married couple does,pay bills, eat meals together,discuss issues, take care of house, raise our daughters, s*x. But, if I say anything that has the word "we" with it,like- We had a good time at the movies, we should go to dinner, he feels it necessary to automatically, say something mean, we there is no we, we are divorce, I am going to have so many women and have my place on the beach. Do what ever I want. It hurts me and makes me feel worthless, like our marriage was nothing. I have tried so hard to figure out why he does this and I just can't see it. Maybe I am blind or maybe there is no logical reason???

We have been through so much and been together for so long, I always wonder why does he want to hurt me on purpose??? He admits that I have been by his side and supported his and loved him truly and I know he did, but with this lifestyle change, I can't handle it, but I know that it is not true him.

Even our families and friends we know have seen the change and wonder how I put up with him now. I don't know if he feels guilty for the pain he has caused and feels ashamed and wants me to hate him so it make feel better or does he truly want to hurt me and be divorced and just use me and my feelings against me. Your basic have cake and eat it too complex???

I wish I knew what really happened to him, but I feel as if he is lost and in a tunnel and he doesn't know which way to go. I really want to be there when he finally makes it out. Because, no matter what divorce or not, he will be a part of my life forever and I am truly grateful for all that I experienced with him.

I just hate this daily pain, one day I am his wife and everything is great and the next moment I feel like a hooker and he should be leaving $ on the dresser, because he acts like he never met me, just there for s*x and see ya, next time. I feel I have to defend myself everyday and I thought that was his job,or at least to help.

How do I handle this? Can he make it through this mid-life crisis? Does he really know what he wants?? Somebody please, is he doing it on purpose or not??

Somebody asked me, will my life be better with or without him?? I said I wish I could answer that question, because if it is the true him then no, he is a wonderful, caring, loving, s**y man, if it is that man that I have been dealing with for 4 years then yes, he is horrible, non-trustworthy, mean, makes me feel like nothing.

This part of my problem I had the good one for so long, he out weighs the bad one, but I scared the real one is gone forever. No matter what I hope he is okay. I just wish I had a clue of what to do, my head say one thing, but my heart says something else!!

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2 ANSWERS


  1. Wow. It sounds like there's a lot of history there, but it also sounds like you've made up your mind. Yes, you guys have been together a long time. You both have changed and have grown apart. If I were you, I would move on with my life and let him figure his out on his own. You've given him the opportunity to leave and he doesn't. He needs to sh** or get off the pot. If he can't do it, you'll have to do it for yourself. It would drive me nuts to be with someone like that. The real one is never gone. Chances are, as long as you're with him, you won't get over the cheating.


  2. I don't know what to tell you other than this.  Ask him if he will go with you to counseling.  If he will, then both of you go and get this mess fixed up.  It would be worth it I think.  If he won't, then tell him you are leaving him and won't be back.  If that doesn't change his mind, then give it up and start anew.  You don't need to take this anymore.  You've had enough.

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