Is he using me to support him?

Question

I have a b/f with a criminal record and he has tried really hard to find jobs, even got hired in 2 jobs and then fired once they notice he has felonies. when he was young he did stupid things in life that lead him to trouble, now he gets depressed by looking for jobs and getting turned down. If he puts the truth or lies in the interviews he wont get called anyways, so he basically stopped looking for a job. Im the one who works and pays everything, and Im getting frustrated because even thought I can pay the bills, it still bothers me when I see him in the house all depressed and feeling like a nobody. he says that I can work and he can stay home and help in the house. he does all the house work (washes, cleans, cooks, ect.) but it kind of looks bad for a man to stay at home and the woman going to work, sometimes I even feel he is using me to support him.

should I leave him or help him?

does it look like he is using me?

is it bad for men to stay at home and the woman go to work?

Answer 1

I see no issue as long as he is doing the house work. If you are struggling then he needs to get a job to pitch in and more important he needs to get a job to feel happy with himself if it depressed  with him staying home, We do have double standars for men. You just need to be more open minded. If he is out spending money and you are paying for it then yes I would feel used.

Answer 2

OMG! Are you dating my boyfriend? That sounds exactly like what I'm going through. My boyfriend dosn't work, and he can't keep a job because of his felony. He has had good jobs, but when they check his background, they fire him. He just sits around the house all day moping because he doesn't have a job. He has to walk everywhere he goes because we don't have a  car, hut his mom takes him to certain places to fill out applications. I feel sometimes that he uses me because he doesn't clean, he may take out the trash once in a while, but he is always depressed. I don't have the heart to leave him because he helped me out when I didn't have a place to go. I don' t think it's bad for the man to stay at home while the woman works, the role has been reversed these days you know. Just bring him job leads like I do, keep his confidence going by telling him about others in his situation. Not everyone is working. It's not like he's using you, he just doesn' t have any way of helping you right now. I love my man and he has helped me,and I help him. Don't look at it as he is using you , you guys are a couple, that is what couples so for one another, I mean, for better or for worse right?

Answer 3

i can see why you would feel like this. i probably would too.

it sounds like he DOES do all the housework though..it's not like he says he will do it, and then lays around all day.

if he ever starts slacking, thats when i would have to worry.

i think you should both help him look for a job though..also, try to improve his self esteem because i'm sure its not very high right now. just convince him that he's doing a good job with the house work but you can't afford to have both of you NOT working right now.

be very subtle about it..you have to put yourself in his shoes..he probably feels like a loser.

Answer 4

I don't think its bad for the man to stay at home if that is something you both agree on. But I think he might need something to boost his ego in the work force. I understand that when you have a record its really hard to find a good job but sometimes you have to start at the bottom to built yourself back up. Or is he just to lazy to get a job and is using the record as an excuse? I think it would be best for you guys to sit down and have a talk about how you both feel because it might not work out but it also could be wonderful if you can work it out.

Answer 5

He's using you. If you're not comfortable being the only one with a job, then "take a break." Leave him until he gets his act together, and then consider being together again.

Answer 6

it does in a sense look like he's using u. u should help him,find a job, but don't let him have too much access to our money. it's not fair to u. he might end up stoping hids work around the house and do nothing. i've seen that happen too many times b4. be careful with your money and your heart.

Answer 7

I used to have a boyfriend who had a criminal record. With him for 2 years. I actually visited him in jail.. and rode it out with him in there for 8 mths. < Thats a whole nother story. Anyway, yea, he pulled the same stunt on me. Wouldn't get hired, has a record.. etc.etc.I must agree-- it is HARD to find a job with a record.. but you make a way. People make a way. You have to hustle.. HARD and you can make it happen. I hope he doesn't think that there a all these ex felons in their homes cleaning up and cooking. I know you love him and you wish things would be different.. you have hope, and you want to believe that he's trying, etc. Fact is- he's not trying hard enough. There IS Something he can do about his situation. Sulking doesn't do anything. Now, you have to decide at one point, what you will and won't accept. Remember... your happiness comes first and people will only do to you what you enable them. Good luck.  

Answer 8

No, you should not leave him. It might look to some like he is using you, but if he is doing all of the chores around the house then he is earning his keep. Regarding your third question, it shouldn't matter whether it's a man or a woman who stays at home to take care of things while the other works. It's called a "partnership" and both are contributing to it.

Answer 9

Start his own business like painting or lawn mowing.

Answer 10

Ok to answer you " it looks bad for a guy ", you should be happy we live in a nation were its alright if he is doing house work, if he sat on his *** all day thats one thing,plus you should realise you guys didnt find eachtoher for money, its out of love. Respect that he is trying to get jobs, and change his live for the better. How do you think men felt for the past million years ahah.

Answer 11

I hope you don't hate me for the answer but sweetheart....you can't help him.  He has to help himself.  Lying on a resume or application will get him fired.  He's going to have to be up front and get 'er done.  There are many construction workers that will train people like him and give him a second chance.  Unfortunately even if he's "straightened his life out" he will have to start at the bottom and work his way up because he has felony charges.  Encourage him and see if he's willing to take a job that's not so appealing.  If he's not really trying....give the boot!  If he's serious he might have to do concrete work or carpentry (they will train him).  And for you last question....yes he should work.  If he doesn't there will be too much for him to get into.  Think about it! Good Luck.

Answer 12

dont hang around people like that ur setting ur self up to be used  

Answer 13

IF he helps out and you really love him and support him, I would keep trying to see if it will work out for you guys.

But I do want you to try and help him with his depression issue.  There are ways to work without working for others.  Perhaps he can look into starting something on his own or just volunteering?  That may make him feel like he is helpful.

Get a skill like carpentry or electrical work  -- he sounds like he is handy and willing to work.  Have him learn a skill and try to get odd jobs here and there, build up his repertoire and his confidence to do more.  

Everyone makes mistakes and I hope he is given second chances.  And stay supportive.

Answer 14

I didn't have to read but one sentence!

Get out of that relationship. My mom always says...if your partner isnt bring you forward but dragging you down than its not worth the time! Those ppl will never change. Let him deal with w/ever prob he may have and see if when things are better he comes around! One thing is support and another help.

Let me tell you something...I worked with a man how had been in jail for 20 years for murder! and he managed to get himself a stable job...what makes you think he can't get one too?  

Answer 15

no if you really care for him.

yes it does.

no not really they do it all the time in the real world.

Answer 16

It appears he could be using you.  He could find a job somewhere, maybe it won't be what he originally had in mind, but I've known people who were felons that found meaningful employment, although it was harder for them than the average person.  Unless he was in prison for x years for example he murdered someone he should be able to find something at a convenient store or restaurant.  It's not terrible idea for a man to stay home but the fact is he could be working, and it doesn't sound like you really like the idea very much.  It's really up to you.      

Answer 17

it sounds like he is trying and doing things at home is awesome. he is basically playing house wife. if it is ok for women to do it then why not men. i understand why he would be upset about it. it is really discouraging. but try to help him out. get some info for him.  

Answer 18

1. Yes

2. Yes

3. No, not always but he sounds lazy and bad

Answer 19

It's the stereotypes set by society that make us think it is appropriate for men to work and women to stay home and manage the house.  In reality, whatever arrangement suits both people is the one they should be happy with.  They shouldn't worry about nor accept the judgments of others.  If this arrangement was great with both of you, you wouldn't be asking the question and he wouldn't be depressed about it.

You should be proud of him and he should be proud of himself for doing all the work around the home.  It only looks bad to the narrow-minded.  No one would say you were using him if your positions were reversed. Your boyfriend, with your help, should be making a list of his skills and what job uses those skills.  If those skills allow him to be self-employed, that's the route he should go.  He will be his own boss and that boss will never judge him by his past record.  When he does apply for a job, he should be completely honest about his record, but also volunteer how long ago it was, and show what he has done to make sure the criminal activity will never be repeated.  He should present his past as a  very painful, but very powerful lesson -  one that he has learned.

My personal opinion:

1.  You should help him, not just financially support him, but emotionally support him, so he feels worthy for the work he does for you and feels worthy enough to get a job.  I think it's his attitude toward himself, not his past record, that keeps him from getting or keeping a job.

2.  It doesn't look like he is using you.  He is doing his part at home.

3.  It is not bad for men to stay and home and for women to work.  But, whatever arrangement you two agree on, you should both be happy with.