Is his ex-wife ever going to accept that he's moved on?

Question

I've been dating a divorced man for the past year. I was not the cause of the divorce. We love each other very much and have talked about getting married in the future. He has two kids who I haven't met...we've decided to wait until we at least get engaged before they meet me.

I don't know what it is but his ex-wife has a hate on for me like nothing else. I'm his first real relationship post-divorce, and I think she believes if it wasn't for me they would have reconciled. She can't seem to realize and accept that she no longer has any say in what he does in his life.

She's been in his house a few times to pick up and drop off the kids, and took that opportunity to snoop around and find everything little thing of mine (right down to bobby pins). She then emailed him a big long list of everything she found that she wants out of his house. She's knocked on my door and called my house because she wants "questions answered" (I didn't answer because I don't want to get into it with her). If she sees me driving his car, she follows me for awhile and calls him to see why I'm driving his car. Once she even followed me through a drive-thru and almost ran a red light to keep behind me. She writes him lengthy emails saying how she can't stand for us to be together, I ruined her dreams of a happy family, and I'm "poison". He's talked to her more times than I can count, told her it's none of her business, etc etc. She seems to stop for awhile and she'll be sweet as pie to him, then it flares up again for no apparent reason.

Is this something that's going to eventually stop? I realize it may be hard for her seeing her ex-husband with someone else, but it's been a year. Did she think he was never going to date again? I should mention that I spend the night at his house once or twice a week, and I'd never leave anything innapropriate there that the kids could find (for example, underwear or a bra) It's stuff like running shoes, magazines, my coffee thermos.

I really love this man and I'm hoping this is just a phase and she'll come to accept things. Anyone else going through this? Please no innapropriate or hurtful comments...thanks :)

Answer 1

personally, I think you should forget about this guy, if he was a real man, he would always take up for you and defend you and he would not let his ex wife get away with this stuff...

I also think something else is going on...  behind your back...  and your man is sitting there laughing about it when you are not around, gee, 2 women want him!  he's getting a thrill!!!  =(...  you may really love him, but, my guess is, he's just using you, he does not really love you...  if he did, his ex wife would stop this c**p, he would change emails, he would change the phone number, etc...  even though he has kids with her that does not mean he should email her, he should block her...

that's the truth...  I'd never want to be a 2nd wife...never...  sure, he's a good man deep down, but, he won't be the 100 percent you need, never...  because he will always cave in to his ex wife, eventually...  in one way, or another, and his ex wife, will sit there too, and laugh...  if she gets a response from him, she wins...

so, if your man "really" loved you, he would never "give in" to his ex, not even a reply to email...that's the truth...

if you are thinking and doubting, good...  the same mistakes he made with her, he will make with you...

I have seen it happen to many...  he will give up when things get "rough", as he did with her...

Answer 2

She is hurt and you are the logical target in her mind.  It is not right or fair to you, but the situation of their divorce most likely was similar for her.  You need to stand up for yourself a bit.  You don't have to be in the middle of their issues to stand up for yourself.  Don't get nasty, just be a bigger adult person in the situation and make sure she understands that her actions are inappropriate.

Answer 3

nope, it is a control thing. she is peeing on the fence so to speak. get an order of harassment & fill it out & file it. then show your boyfriend that you are having her served. if he needs 2 deal w/ her 4 the kids that is on him. the g/f does not need 2 have a relationship w/ the mother. if the relationship last long enough 2 get married the order should be expired.

Answer 4

I'm afraid you'll think this is a hurtful thing for me to say, but I think you should discontinue this relationship.  This man and his ex wife obviously have unfinished business.  He has baggage out the wazoo.  I understand that you love him, but sometimes love just isn't enough.  Based on the lengths to which his ex wife goes, according to you, she sounds a little pathological.  Mentally ill people do not tend to improve without professional help.  If I were you, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for her to get it.

Answer 5

Don't listen to the idiot "first wives" on here...they are mostly just bitter grapes.

Most oftentimes, first wives are just "PRACTICE"  and second wives are generally younger, hotter, and not a nag.....oftentimes much more desireable.

Look out though, first wives like to manipulate using the "Kids"......

And one more thing, just because he is divorced doesn't make him damaged goods, SHE couldn't make the marriage work, either, obviously............

Answer 6

Kill em with kindness. Be the better person, don't give her any fuel for the fire. The more you smile, the crazier she will look and *hopefully*, sooner or later, she will either move on too, or at least see what a psycho ***** she's been acting like.

Personally, though, if this c**p kept happeneing, I would be likely to move on. You dont need the drama, he has a ton of baggage with this woman, obviously, and that really gets old fast.

I also think you are wise to not meet the children just yet. Can you imagine how much c**p that would start! Too much!

Answer 7

Eventually she'll get over it!  I used to the X. and than I realized it that he is not coming back to me,So I had to move on with life.. She has to do what ever she to ruing your life and he,Just because she's loosing control. You just be the beautiful person that you are and do what it take to make him happy, Don't put any pressured on him,He do not need it anymore.Good things come to good people,Bill Cosby.Best of luck to you and your

Answer 8

My sister have been there so I have seen close this situation and one thing is for sure:

when you have kids there will always be a relationship between the parents - you have to think if that is something you are willing to go through...This is not a phase - It is not going to change.

Also his ex will only leave him "more alone" when she engages in a relationship. Then things migh be better, because you know when a human being is happy they are more likely to see things in a better way.

Good Luck to you

Answer 9

When your boyfriend stops having s*x with his ex wife, her behavoir will most likely stop.

Answer 10

obviously the relationship isn't over for her and she didn't want the divorce (or if she did then she regrets it).

continue avoiding her.  maybe even look into getting a restraining order (I fear this may get worse before it gets better).  She hasn't done anything other than follow you--which is still stalking but so far she hasn't threatened you.  but get your ducks lined up in a row in case you need to move fast.

Let him handle her.  Understand that she is the price you pay to be with him.  She is NEVER going to go away--she may eventually get over him, but whether or not she does, she will ALWAYS be in his life.  Watch carefully how he handles her--you want to make sure he's not encouraging her behavior in any way.  Some men find it flattering that the ex is still in to them even though they don't want her back (these are the guys you need to drop and stay away from--they are as unbalanced as the women who stalk them & their new SOs)

If she turns dangerous to you, then he isn't worth the trouble.  Stop seeing him--it's not a matter of her "winning" and you "losing".  It's a matter of you retaining your sanity and you having the right to have a stable relationship.  you wouldn't have safe, sane or good one with him while she is in psycho phase.

what you need to do:

1.  decide now how much sh*t you'll take from the ex interfering in your lives together.  Know your leave the relationship point.  That's the point where her behavior is worse than how wonderful he is and you can no longer enjoy what he has to offer you.

2.  Avoid her at all costs and have only minimal contact with her if it is necessary.  you're doing right by not answering the door or phone when you know it's her.  Seriously consider a restraining order if it comes to that and she's interfering with your life away from him.

Answer 11

Keep in mind that he might not be telling you everything about what happened and what is still going on. You just may be the one thing keeping them apart.

Answer 12

just sit tight and be the better person.  by that, i mean, don't badmouth her to your bf, and don't respond in any way to her actions (no revenge, no harsh words).  but DO talk to a law enforcement officer and find out about getting a restraining order.  this needs to be reported.  

not only is she being reckless, she is endangering not only herself, you, the children and possibly innocent people by her antics behind the wheel of a car.

as far as waiting until you get engaged to meet the kids, i think that's a bad idea.  if you two are serious, you should meet the children way before the engagement.  otherwise they will resent both their dad and you for keeping the relationship secret for so long.

yes, he might reconcile with his wife, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it, and there is not much she (the ex) can do to promote it.  if it happens, it happens.

your major concern right now should be your own personal safety and making sure that this guy (your bf) doesn't string you along forever and a day while he's making up his mind about a future that may or may not include you.

one thing that you do need to realize, is that you will have to see this woman and deal with her every week for almost the rest of your life.  he will always be the children's father and you will always be "just the stepmother".  ask yourself if you are willing to accept that position in life and the difficulties it brings.  and if he could not make one marriage work, it's likely that a second marriage will also fail. the divorce rate on 2nd marriages is astronomically high.

so bide your time, and for heaven's sake, keep your options open.  if this relationship is going nowhere or it just gets too dramatic and stressful, try to find a man that doesn't have as much baggage and drama going on.

good luck to you.

Answer 13

Been there, done that! If you truly love him stick with it. As time goes by things will get better. Once SHE moves on your life will be much easier. With kids you will always have her to deal with though. Some days are better then others. My advise: Be as nice as you can to her. If she is following you wave and smile. She won't know what to think and you will probably feel better all day knowing you were the bigger person, plus the look on her face should give you a good laugh!  

Answer 14

some hold on a  long time.

Answer 15

Imagine that you are his exwife and you still loved him and didn't want him to break up the marriage and family you had.

Men have a tendency to repeat past behaviors. It isn't all her fault, as he's telling you.  He hasn't healed, I can promise you that, and he will pick up with you where he left off with her should you become Wife #2.

Answer 16

happy 2 is right! She does sound like a sociopath! Google that term if u don't know what they are. But everything that u described sounds like them. They lie, cheat, want everything perfect, if they don't get there way they will fight for it they will do anything in there power to get there way to.  

Answer 17

YOU HAVE TO REALIZE THAT THEY TOO WERE MARRIED AT ONE POINT. ALTHOUGH, THEY DIDNT LAST, SHE ONCE HAD A DREAM THEY SHARED A DREAM OF BEING A HAPPY FAMILY.

FOR WHATEVER REASON IT DIDNT WORK OUT. (WHY DIDNT IT WORK OUT?) U SHOULD FIND THAT OUT, IT IS IMPORTANT.

ANYWAY, IT DIDNT WORK OUT, AND SHE'S HELD ON TO THE DREAM OF THEM GETTING BACK TOGETHER.

MAYBE THEY USE TO BE ON AND OFF LIKE THAT UNTIL YOU CAME.

i do understand that ppl divocrce and move on. people change.

and her ex husband has found you, she just needs time to accept that, we cant tell you how long it will take, itll just take time.everyone is different, either keep your life on hold, waiting for things to calm down with her, and eventually she will accept the fact, or just move on, LOVE WILL ALWAYS HURT, but you know that he has drama/ and it seems to be a ton of it. just remember that you already KNOW all about this before marrying him, and also know that you cant expect a person to change because of you, they have to change for them, he is forever connected to her. its something you have to either accept, or just let it all go.

Answer 18

If you stay in the relationship be prepared for it to only become worse. Some ex's are psychotic and controlling. That will not change after being divorced this long. Once you do meet the kids she will just have more reasons to give you two misery.