Is it OK for my daughter not to invite a frenemy to her 8th birthday sleepover?

Question

We've planned a slumber party to celebrate my daughter's b-day. She has a schoolmate whom she plays with at times but they have a difficult relationship. When I asked my daughter to make out a list of girls to invite, she made a point of saying she did NOT want to invite this particular girl, because after last year's b-day party, the girl had told my d-ter the next day that she hated her party and it was no fun (she had laughed and played through the whole thing.) Now, this little girl has found out about the party and is crying to my d-ter at school. She says my d-ter hates her and that is the real reason we are moving out of town soon (she doesn't hate her, and obviously that is not the reason.) I really don't want to make my d-ter invite anyone she doesn't want to, yet, I'm trying to teach some hosting manners. And I understand that this child's feelings are hurt & both my d-ter &I feel bad about it. Still my kid doesn't want the drama @ her party. What should I do?

Answer 1

like all good parents teaching that with every bad choice there are consequences.  If this girl acted out of line last year, she should not be let back this year.  simple lesson, right?  also, if she sniffles and whines and you let her back, you just taught her that by acting like a huge baby you can get what you want.  Tell the girl no.  no exceptions.  

Who cares about being a good hostess...your first duty is to be a good mom and protect your child from this brat!

Answer 2

You both stick to your guns!. If this little madam wants to continue to guilt trip your daughter, here is my suggestion for a little white lie to make her stop banging on about being left out,

"Sorry Jane, my mum said I could only have 2 friends over and I put your name in the hat with 4 others - but I picked out Julie and Joan.".

Hope you like my idea!

Answer 3

I don't think it's fair that your daughter should have this little drama queen compromising her party.  In the grand scheme of things, not inviting this particular person will not make your daughter a bad hostess.  We know later in life that we need to put up with people we don't like, but those people usually also have a little more decency than most 8-year-olds do.  If it helps, you can tell your daughter that you've decided she can only invite so many people to her party (whatever number she already has, minus this girl).  That way, she can tell the girl that she's not allowed to invite any more people (which is usually understandable since people can't always afford it, or can't handle tons of kids running around the place) but she won't have to feel like she's lying about it.  And after all, isn't part of being a good hostess making sure your guests are comfortable?  I think keeping the "riff-raff" out of the party will help ensure that.  Just make sure your daughter is still polite to her frenemy.

Answer 4

Of course its okay not to invite her. Children that age don't need any drama.

Answer 5

It's your daughter's party she can invite anyone she wants to invite or not.  This has nothing to do with "hosting manners".  I would never expect my kids to invite someone to their party that the didn't want there.

Answer 6

Glenna is absolutely right. First, it is excellent hosting etiquette to not invite people who have stated they hate your parties (whether they are lying or not). Second, your daughter is only eight. It's her birthday. Let her have a stress-free birthday party without having to worry about her "frenemy." In the long run, it ultimately won't matter, y'know? Plus, it might be a good lesson for the other little girl, letting her know that she can't treat someone harshly and then expect to be treated like a close friend.

Answer 7

It's fine not to invite someone that may potentially create trouble at her party. It will also put a damper on the other guests' time if that person is there stirring up problems.

Answer 8

Choosing not to invite someone that you don't particularly care for (and for good reason) doesn't necessarily have anything to do with "good hosting manners".  She's 8 for goodness sakes.  If she doesn't want to invite this girl because of how she acted last year, then she shouldn't have to invite her.  That's my opinion.

Answer 9

Well, if she acted obnoxious to your daughter, then why invite her? Chances are that she'll say she will hate the party again and play through it. Not inviting someone to a party does not show bad hosting manners. If someone asks you why you did not invite this particular girl, just reply and say how she acted to your daughter after the party last year.

Your daughter will most likely not enjoy her party if she was forced to invite someone that she did not want to. Plus not inviting her might teach her a lesson and maybe she'll learn to enjoy herself at parties she is invited to.

In conclusion, let your daughter decide. If she does not want to invite her, so be it.

That's my opinion.

Answer 10

i dont know why your confused. if your daughter doesnt want her there then there is your answer. that has nothing to do with hosting  a party. you should respect her choice of friends she wants to come. dont ever force a friendship.

Answer 11

That was the right decision to not invite her. Just hold on..... the drama will most likely continue after the actual party. Just support your daughter and reassure her that sometimes the right decision is tough to make, but worth it.

Answer 12

Honestly at 8, neither your daughter or the other girl has the skills needed to deal with this girl.  Sounds like some self-esteem issues, or whatnot.

Perhaps it would be very good to get in touch with her mother, I'm sure she's heard about it from her daughter, and even if you invite her at this point, the mother will be worried about why it's after the fact and leaving her at your home, etc.

It sounds like the Mom of the girl should be having a talk with her daughter about how she is talking to her "Friends" and being polite, etc.  

The girl is sort of freaking out and your daughter can't explain the complexity of it to her.

Maybe if you talk to the mom and kindly kindly kindly explain what has happened she can have a thoughtful discussion with her daughter and still come to your party.

Good luck....

P.S.

Remember that a year ago she was only 7!  Her reaction "hate your party" sounds like a playground fight... my 4 soon to be 5 year old hears something similar all the time, "I'm not your friend anymore" whenever someone does something on the playground.  My 3 year old picked up on it.  It's not allowed to be said by my kids and they know it.

But it really sounds like silly banter.

Is she vying for position with your daughter?  Are they "equals" and one is trying to become dominant?  IN every kid relationship, they have to figure out who is the leader and if your daughter is not a follower, she will encounter challenges her whole life by other people.  IT's also a good lesson for her on how to deal with her peers and tactics people use to win arguments by emotionally manipulating us, etc...

Answer 13

She shouldn't invite her.  Tell her not to let her put a guilt trip on her because of the way she acted last year.  Just ignore the crying and drama.

Answer 14

it is your daughters party and if she doesn't want this girl there she shouldn't be there. Get her to tell the girl she was only allowed a certain number of kids and that she is not allowed any more

Answer 15

She doesnt have to invite everyone. If she doesnt want this girl at her party (due to reasons that have already happened I.E her last b-day party) Then thats her choice. If you do invite her and the girl acts up again, it can ruin your daughters b-day! She is young and its HER birthday, let her have who she wants there. It really doesnt have anything to do with good Hosting Manners, good hosting manners is making a good party for the people you care about and making sure they have a good time. If you invite that girl just because you feel bad and she ruins the party thats kinda bad hosting manners since you knew this was probably going to happen. Just let the party be fun for your daughter and HER guests.

Answer 16

tell her if she wants to come she must eat her own boogers! if she doesnt do it then she doesnt want to come as bad as she said she did